Thursday, December 11, 2008
it happened again
yesterday this morning.
streams of blood, again.
and again, i just stood there, totally helpless,
allowing the warm moisture from my eyes to wet my entire face.
"i'm sorry i couldn't follow through what i said.but baby,i'm so scared, i really am.i considered the option of calling you.i so desperately wanna hear your comforting voice;telling me everything's gonna be perfectly fine,chasing all my fears away.but i knew it wasn't a good idea,since it's all none of your business now.i settled for my bed instead,somewhere i used to be able to feel your warmth, so strong.i curled up like a ball,crying out uncontrollably,and hugging on tightly to xiao gui zai.all i could do was to only imagine,that you were there, right there beside me;with your hands around me, you'll keep me safe in your arms, providing me with all the warmth that i'll ever need.then you'll plant a kiss on my head, and whisper 'baby, don't needa be scared. everything's gonna be alright. i promise. i'll be right here with you.'and that'll be all that i'll ever need.i'm fucking scared baby.i miss you so much baby.i really wish you were here baby.i really need you here baby."no matter how much i wanna deny,
i hafta admit that i'm failing physically.
i feel myself slipping as each day pass,
growing weak.
but i know i couldn't allow myself to collaspe,
at least not now.
i just need a bit more time;
even if i hafta stretch myself over limit,
i gotta work through this month,
and earn all the money i can.
all i want is for all my plans to fall into place.
this is all i ask for.
so please don't let me fall.
please, not now.Blinded.
9:10 PM
she writes
Monday, December 08, 2008
sometimes, no matter how much i tell myself not to be affected,
i just can't seems to help it.
seeing how sweet couples behave around me;
of course i feel happy for them,
but at the same time,
they just can't help having these very depressing impact on me.
like seeing boyfriend buy a diamond ring for girlfriend,
i can't help feeling envious.
it's not like i'm a big fan of such femine accessories,
but still, i thought it was a really sweet gesture;
especially when you see how excited boyfriend was the entire time, from planning to buying.
well, i should try to contain my envy,
since i gotta experience a fair share of such sweetness on my 18th birthday -
from SK jewellary, a really special heart-shaped pendant chained by a necklace.
it's a shame i didn't really appreciate back then;
it's not that i didn't like it,
but like i said,
just not a big fan of such stuff.
but it's a totally different story now.
though still not a big fan of such stuff,
but i really learnt to appreciate this very necklace.
it's not because of regret of anything like that,
but because i understand the kinda effort and thought behind this gift;
having a guy have this thought of buying and making the effort to buy such gifts for a girl,
is just like having a girl have a thought of buying and making the effort to buy a watch for a guy.
as simple as it may seems,
it's never as easy as seeing something that catches your eyes and just paying for it.
you'll have to know the particular person's size; of their wrists, fingers or neck.
you'll have to know the particular person well enough to pick out the suitable designs.
you'll have to try to visualise which will be the best design for that particular person.
you'll have to contemplate how the particular person's reaction will be upon receiving it.
trust me, i've been through it.
threw up again this morning,
not like it's anything new,
but streams and streams of blood followed,
the most of whatever that i've seen so far.
totally stunned.
absolutely helpless.
i just stood in the toilet crying for the longest time ever.
i'm scared.
Pouring All The Same.
10:38 PM
she writes
Thursday, December 04, 2008
just got home from dbl o!
wasn't high on booze at all, though there were loads involved.
dance didn't get me really high either.
but still, i had fun;
though not as fun as hanging out with my usual girlies of course.
broke one of my clubbing rules;
not just once, but quite a few times.
but who cares!
most importantly is that i had fun right?
at least i stuck to my whatever-that-happens-in-the-club-should-just-stay-in-the-club rule.
western families always have their kids hang that kinda christmas socks at their fireplace so parents could leave the presents for their kids in them on christmas eve.
i always wanted to do the same hoping that santa will drop by on christmas eve to leave me a present.
though i don't have a fireplace at home,
but i figured hanging it outside my door is prettay much okay.
the point is, i just can't seems to find a socks big enough for santa to leave what i'm wishing to have for christmas this year.
if you get what i mean.
so totally hate the fact that christmas is approaching.
and that's so totally unlike me.
wish so much to end this post like how i always end all the others previously.
but since i'm really trying to stick to what i've mentioned in the previous post,
so i guess i just hafta keep them all to myself.
I'm Not Your Princess.
3:57 AM
she writes
Monday, December 01, 2008
i drink, i smoke, i club.
i laugh, i scream, i cry.
i go high, i go wild, i go crazy.
i hang out, i stay out, i refuse to come home.
i fell out with my sister, i broke my mum's heart, i worry my friends.
i work my ass off, i don't sleep, i don't eat.
but ultimately, what good has all these done to me?
i was never truly happy;
not even for a single day.
still exactly the same way i was 4 and a half months back.
"i realised i was never a good girlfriend.despite thinking that i gave you the best of me.despite thinking that i can never ever do the same for any other guy.i still wasn't good enough.i'm sorry.i strayed along the way;mentally, i admit.so sorry.but ultimately, i figured all that wasn't worth risking our relationship for;so i put an end to everything.after losing you once, i knew who i wanted to spend forever with;and from then on, it was only you.my greatest weakness - emotions.like you said, too much 'i think' and 'i feel';i always assumed.too much effort and love put in;i was so afraid of losing you.too little words from you;it made me felt damn insecured.and all these,totally made me lost trust in you, totally made me lost confidence in myself.so fatal.baby,i miss you; truckloads.i love you; so much more than myself.but what kinda difference does it make now?it's impossible to turn back isn't it?it'll never be the same isn't it?it's over isn't it?you prolly had all the answers to all my questions a long time ago;just don't wanna hurt me further.thankyou.i know you loved me;i felt it.and again, thankyou.but it's prolly that, that made it so hard for me to move on.i hope there's never gonna be another post about you.i don't know if i can do it, but i'll try;though i don't wanna promise.cause i don't wanna end up having you say i always act differently from what i say.it's time i learn to really leave you alone;no more seeking your attention, nothing.it's time i learn that i brought everything upon myself;unable to move on, unable to stop loving you.it's all my own problem, nothing to do with you.it's our monthsery again;35 months supposingly.i'm not gonna say 'happy anniversary';cause it's no longer a special occasion to you,and i'm not happy at all.maybe it'll be more appropriate to say 'happy day' to you.i'll be happy for you, if you are.the best i can do for you now.i still, love you."i let the tears fall uncontrollably once i board the cab.
had been holding back since i was at taka;
too tiring.
but it haven't stop since.
don't think it'll ever stop tonight.
i just wanna leave,
as soon as i can.
Left.
4:51 AM
she writes