Wednesday, September 29, 2004
I'm blogging.. Hahax.. Suprised.. Nono.. My computer haven't recovered.. And neither am I at Suxian's house.. Hahax.. It's a secret..
Today is Graduation Day.. Although it's not as though I'm officially graduating.. Cause I still have to go back to school for another 3 weeks.. But today was definitely fun.. Hahax.. We only had 2 periods of English lessons.. The rest of the time was spent on taking photos.. Then after having early recess.. We went to the hall to attend the graduation ceremony..
The ceremony was rather okay.. Except for the fact that the guest speaker went totally out of point.. He spent like almost an hour talking about lawyer stuff which I don't think anyone there was interested in listening.. I bet everyone would have fallen asleep if Mrs Ee wasn't walking around.. There was this slide presentation displaying a lot of our photos.. And it was really hilarious to see our lower secondary photos as well as some stupid photos we took last year.. It would have been perfect if Suxian's and my chubby face wasn't displayed as the last slide of the slide presentation which stayed there for like quite a while.. So damn embarassing.. Although I was already informed before hand about that.. I still can't help screaming when I saw my chubby face on that big screen..
After the ceremony.. We went down to canteen to have the reception.. Although we were finally served with some nice food instead of the usual stuff.. But I didn't eat abit.. I was so nervous at the thought of taking photo with Melvin that I just couldn't seems to calm myself down.. Fortunately.. With the help of Jessica.. I still managed to get a photo with him.. But I was like so nervous that I destroyed the picture.. But Melvin was still as cute as usual.. Zhong Wei also plucked up his courage to ask Jessica to take a photo together.. And I thought the photo was really nice.. Maybe partly because I was the one who took it.. =X
On the way back to class.. I kept on whining about the picture me and Melvin took being destroyed.. So Gennie went up to Melvin to help me ask if I could get another photo with him.. Although he agreed.. But he seems kinda shy.. He was like standing quite far away from me as if I had some germs.. Awww.. I bet he was freaked out by me.. Hope he doesn't avoid me or what when he sees me tomorrow..
Something happened between us yesterday night.. But I shouldn't go into details.. Cause kinda inconvenient for me to bring it up here.. But I can't believe I actually cried in the middle of the canteen and scared everyone because of that.. Sigh.. Why can't I seems to be able to control my emotions..
I did mentioned in yesterday's post that I have a lot more to say.. But due to inconvenience.. I don't think I'll be able to include it in today's post.. Sigh.. Never mind.. I'll definitely write it down if I have the chance to blog again..
Anyway.. Today is also Mid-Autumn Festival.. Wonder how I'll be spending my night..
It Only Takes A Few Seconds To Wipe Off The Tears From My Face.. But It Takes Forever To Mend The Hurt In Me..
8:58 AM
she writes
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
My computer is down again.. Of all the time.. Now.. When I just finished prelims.. When I got so much things to blog about.. When I have the idea to create a gallery cause I got so much photos I wanna upload.. And when I got so many songs I wanna download.. Sigh.. I wanna use computer..
So.. I'm now blogging at Suxian's house.. Trying to summarise my past few days..
Wednesday (22nd September 2004).. It's our 1st month.. Hahax.. Went town with Jessica.. Suxian.. Wan Mei.. Celestine.. Him and Ee Jun.. We walked around.. Took a few pictures.. And watched "The Terminal".. It was a really nice show.. Very funny also.. Hahax.. Oh yah.. I also spotted another nice skirt in Topshop which cost $73.. But I don't think I'll be able to get it any time soon..
Thursday (23rd September 2004).. Went to school as usual.. Took back a few of my papers.. Got B4 for English.. B4 for Higher Chinese.. And 33/50 for Social Studies.. Although I'm expecting myself not to do well for this prelims.. But I still can't help feeling disappointed when I got the results.. And of course.. As usual.. I cried.. Sigh..
Friday (24th September 2004).. Went back home to changed after school.. Then went to his house to study.. Now I really understand why his mum face difficulties asking him to study.. It's really like so hard to get him to study.. He was like playing on his commputer for three quarter of the time.. And all he managed to do was about two graph questions before we left for dinner at MacDonalds.. After eating.. We went to the nearby playground to play with the swings and talk.. And he promised me to quit smoking by the end of this month.. Heex.. Hope he wouldn't lie to me.. Cause I believe he'll be able to make it.. On our way home.. He also did some shopping.. Hahax.. Bought a bit of food.. And a lot a lot of instant Campbell soup.. Hahax.. From the packet type to the canned type.. From western soup to chinese soup.. Hahax..
Saturday (25th September 2004).. Met him in the morning and then headed for Ee Jun's house to slack.. Then I left for Esplanade to watch Mama Mia.. It's such a great musical play.. They played really really nice oldies.. And the ending was so romantic.. Awww.. Glad I went to watch it.. After the play.. We took a lot of photos and then headed for the Marche at Suntec for our dinner.. I ate the Smoked Salmon Rosti which was really nice.. Suxian.. Chin Hong and me left first cause I had to go to meet him.. Again.. Didn't do anything much after I met him.. I simply sat there and watched Ee Jun.. Him and this other 3 girls eat.. And something made me kinda pissed off.. But I guess I shouldn't mention it here.. Don't wanna make things difficult..
As for yesterday.. Didn't do anything much.. Spent the entire day out with my family.. I also managed to clean up my room.. Hahax.. And I baked cookies.. But my thumb got burnt by the oven.. So now I have 3 blisters on my thumb.. *Sobx*
I got a lot more I wanna say.. But don't think I got the time to put them all in.. Cause Suxian has to go out.. And I dopn't wanna cause her to be late.. Sigh.. Hope I'll have the chance to blog as soon as possible so I can put it all down.. Haiyer.. Why is my computer down at this time.. This is irritating.. I got nothing to do at home.. I don't wanna study..
Give Me A Reason To Believe.. Say You're The One And You'll Always Be..
7:12 AM
she writes
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Today is such a super duper ultra mighty great day for me..
Firstly.. Today marks the last day of my prelims.. Although both the Chemistry paper 1 and CME paper sucks.. But with the end of prelims mood taking over me.. I can't really be bothered anymore.. Hahax..
Secondly.. Which is the main reason which make my day today is.. I got to spend my entire day today alone with him.. And we parted kinda late.. Although not as late as the other time when we went for the concert.. But can be considered as a new record.. Heex..
I was dismissed rather early today.. So I came home.. Changed.. And went to meet him.. I waited for him like for almost 45 minutes due to some "technical problems".. And I was kinda pissed off with him.. But after thinking.. I felt a bit guilty because I thought I was being kinda unreasonable for being angry at him cause it wasn't entirely his fault either..
"Sorry.."
After taking an entire bus 300 journey.. We went over to Ee Jun's house to visit him because he's sick.. Poor thing.. Hope that he'll get well soon.. A little bit of drama happened at Ee Jun's house.. But this time it really isn't my fault anymore.. I'm borned to be emotional and sensitive..
I went back home with him to get permission from his mum to go Chinese Garden with me.. Cause Jessica said maybe we shouldn't go tonight cause it's raining rather heavily.. But I thought I can always go with him tonight and go with Jessica tomorrow night as we seldom have the chance to go anywhere special.. And his mum actually allow.. So nice.. Can see that his mum is a really very nice person and she loves him a lot.. Lucky boy..
But on our way there.. We've decided to change our plans.. Cause I'm afraid that we might see my sister at Chinese Garden.. So we went to Jurong Point to maybe catch a movie instead.. But we were still spotted by my brother-in-law when we were at Jurong Point.. And my sister still discovered about us afterall.. But she promised me she wouldn't tell mummy.. How nice..
We didn't catch a movie.. Neither did we do a lot of things.. We simply walked around and went to the arcade to play a few games.. He's really good at playing King Of Fighter.. And I we played Puzzle Bobbles and I actually lost to him.. Hahax.. Then after that.. We went to eat Long John Silver and then went to get the pink cap from Man Master that he considered for very long before buying.. Although the cap looks kinda sparstic.. But I must admit.. It looks kinda nice on him.. Hahax..
He was so nice and sweet.. He actually insisted to take 187 with me just to accompany me.. Although he must like take from one end right to the other end to get home.. And on the bus.. He actually took off one of his shirt to cover me cause I was feeling cold.. But of course.. He's wearing two shirt.. But I still thought that it was really really sweet of him.. Heex..
I must really admit.. I seems to be falling deeper and deeper for him.. I'm missing him more than ever.. And I feel fearful at the thought of him not wanting me.. I definitely not doubting him.. I just don't have the confidence in myself that I'll be able to keep him with me.. I don't have the looks.. Neither do I have the qualities of a good girlfriend.. And there are also other girls out there that wishes to have him.. His ex just asked for a patch with him a few days ago.. Sigh.. But I've thought over it.. He can not want me.. Just as long as nothing happens to him and that he's happy.. That's what matters more to me.. Afterall.. What really matters in a relationship is not the result.. Is the process.. So I guess all I can do now is learn cherish and treasure every single day that we spend together.. And not let things that have happened in my precious relationship happen again..
It's Wednesday tomorrow.. Our first month anniversary.. And also the day that he have to go to court.. Hope everything will go very very smoothly for him.. And let nothing happen to him.. Please..
Without You.. I'm Just Like A Butterfly With Tattered Wings And Fading Colours.. Slowing Losing Its Ability To Move On And The Shine In Its Life..
2:59 PM
she writes
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
One more paper to go for tomorrow.. And it'll be the end of prelims.. So exciting.. We're gonna be dismissed at 10:30 tomorrow and we'll be having a holiday on Wednesday.. Now I really pity the Biology students.. Hahax.. Cause it definitely don't feel good to be mugging away when the rest can already enjoy themselves..
"Good luck people!"
Geography paper was alright today.. But the map work part was kinda tough.. I either didn't understand the questions..
Or my answer wasn't in any of the options.. And I actually fell asleep towards the end of the paper.. Don't really know what's with me.. I suddenly felt so tired.. So I just rested my head on the desk and I fell asleep..
As for the E maths paper 2.. I really don't know what have gotten into me.. I was so blur.. I keep having the idea that the paper was ending at o1:35.. But it in fact ends at 01:05.. So at ll:45.. I started to kinda panic.. Cause I thought that it was already 12:45.. And I still had like 5 questions undone.. Including the last 3 questions which were graphs and locust.. But when I looked around.. Everyone was still so relaxed.. But I guess panic overwhelmed me and stopped the right thoughts from flowing through.. So I just hurried through the paper for the next 50 minutes.. And when it was 12:35.. I thought it was already 01:35 and they will be collecting the papers.. Only to realised that I made a mistake.. So I was kinda relieved.. And started to look through the questions slowly thinking that the paper will be ending at 01:35.. But at 12:55.. I started to panic again when Mrs Chiu announced that we have only got 10 minutes left.. Then.. That was when I realised that the paper will be ending at 01:05.. So I tried to fill up as many questions that I left blank.. But in the end.. I still had questions worth about 12 marks undone.. And I think my whole circle question which is worth about 8 marks is wrong.. Guess I really have to kiss goodbye to the A for my E maths.. Cause I must obtain at the least 112 marks upon a 160 marks to score an A.. Don't think I will be able to.. Sigh..
Don't feel like going to school on Thursday.. Cause I think we'll be getting back some of our scripts.. Don't really feel like getting them back.. Bet I'll be crying a lot.. And it's gonna be so embarassing.. Must borrow somebody's shoulder to bury my face..
The damn school said that they will be holding a head to toe attire check for the enitre school.. And ours will be held after our prelims.. I bet I'll be caught for everything from head to toe.. Hair.. Earrings.. Socks.. Shoes.. Blouse.. Skirt.. But who cares.. Can't really be bothered.. Furthermore.. I'm graduating next Tuesday.. Heex..
My room is in a really big mess.. There are books and clothes scattered all over the place.. Can't believe that I've been living in this condition for weeks.. Have to spend a bit of time either tomorrow or Wednesday to clear up the mass.. Change my bed sheet.. Mop the floor and pack my wardrobe..
I finally got to see him today after 2 whole day.. We met this morning as usual and went to school together.. But today seems a little different from the other mornings.. Don't really know why.. Can't really explain that kind of feeling.. But it just feels different.. Maybe cause we didn't really talk a lot today.. Or maybe it's just the sensitive me taking over again.. *Shrugs*
Feeling kinda down today.. I don't know why.. Feel like talking to someone.. But who I can talk to and about what I really don't know.. Feel like going for a run as well.. But too bad I gotta go for tuition tonight.. But I'll definitely go for a run some day this week.. Miss the feeling of having the wind blowing in my face..
Don't have the mood to study for Chemistry.. Can I not study.. I don't think so right..
If You Only Knew.. That I'm Crazy For You.. Then You'll Understand..
7:07 AM
she writes
Monday, September 20, 2004
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people feel that they have known you their entire life. Many often open up to you for they view you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although people trust you, you have a hard time trusting them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled up inside, or display them very quietly. It is alright to open up every once in a while.
10:36 AM
she writes
I changed my blog skin.. Again.. Hahax.. Was kinda bored yesterday afternoon.. So was browsing through the blogskin webbie when I found this skin.. Thought it was simple and sweet.. My style.. Hmm.. Not sure if I should add in the scrolling title and scrolling words.. Or should I just leave it as it is.. Don't wanna make my blog look too complicated.. Also hope I can perfect the font colours as soon as possible..
It has been 2 days since I last saw him.. Miss him so much.. But fortunately.. Tomorrow is Monday again.. Though it's a signal to tell me that my weekend is over.. But it also means that I'll be able to see him tomorrow.. (*^^*)
Don't really know what's wrong with me.. But these few days.. Everytime when he told me something sweet.. Something comforting and reassuring.. I just can't help to wonder if he ever said the exact words to any other girls before.. But I guess.. This I'll never know.. Cause I wouldn't wanna find out as well.. Maybe you can say that I'm someone always hide from the truth.. I admit.. But I feel that.. What matter is the present.. Why bother to dig up the past and make myself feel miserable..
While I was walking home yesterday night.. I saw loads and loads of stars twinkling in the dark sky.. And it made me think of this very special friend of mine.. It've been ages since I last saw him.. And I'm missing him a lot a lot.. We used to be so close so close.. But we started to drift off by a lot.. Everytime something happen to me.. Good or bad.. He'll be the first one to know most of the time.. I can never seems to be able to hide anything from him.. In front of him.. I don't have to hold my tears back when I'm upset.. He's always there to let me wet his shoulders and wipe away the tears from my eyes.. And when I'm happy.. I can just totally show my craziness without worrying that he'll be scare off like others.. Hahax.. We went through so many things together.. We went to so many places together.. And watched uncountable movies together.. He's like my best guy pal.. But now.. Everything change.. I no longer know what's going on in his life.. Just like he is clueless about mine.. I no longer feel appropriate to call him when something happen.. I no longer feel the closeness in his tone when we converse.. But I guess.. Maybe his life will be better off this way.. But I just wanna say.. "Thanx.. For everything.."
My starhub bill came in yesterday.. It's a $156.21.. Oh my gosh right.. But I think I already paid about $50 plus the other time.. But it wasn't updated.. So now I still have to pay about $100 by the 30th of this month.. But it doesn't really seems to make the situation look any better for me.. Cause I only have $20 left from the $50 that I saved last week.. Hahax.. Cause I went out on Friday.. And I bought a top yesterday which cost $14.. I know I know.. At this point of time I shouldn't be buying clothes.. But.. So irresitable.. And it wasn't entirely my fault.. I was just browsing for the top that I was looking for.. Then my sister went to ask the shop attendance for it.. So I thought she was gonna buy it for me.. But.. Hahax.. Guess I was just expecting too much.. It's okay lahx.. Not very nice to keep spending her money too.. And I'll have to spend money soon.. I'm going for a movie on Wednesday and the Latern Festival thingie at Chinese Garden on Tuesday.. So don't think I'll be able to save much this week.. But hope I'll at least be able to pay off a bit by the 30th.. If not it's gonna be just as bad the next month..
Guess I'll have to get two jobs after my O's and skip my 3 months course.. But don't think I can even get in in the first place.. Cause there's just so much I wanna buy.. Like all the stuff I listed in one of the previous entry.. So much I wanna do after my O's.. Like getting my hair done and coloured.. Into what I haven't really decided.. I also wanna stop taking allowance from my parents during that period of time so that I can like help to lift off some of their burdens.. And also earn enough money to pay for the things I'll be needing for JC.. Not to forget.. My bills as usual.. So.. Guess I'll get a job for the day.. And for the weekend nights.. Try out the banquets.. But this is gonna mean less time for any other things.. Sigh.. But I don't have much of a choice either..
I feel so slack.. Haven't even finish the maths paper that I started doing at 12.. But now I'm facing a crisis.. I don't have graph papers.. Hahax.. But I'm so lazy to go get it.. I also haven't started studying for Geography yet.. Hahax.. Although it's only paper 1.. But I no nuts about the human geography topics.. As well as coast and plates.. And I've forgotten everything about map work.. Hahax.. So dead.. Better get going now..
Now All That I Can Do.. Is To See Phtographs Of You.. And Stop Myself From Crying..
7:48 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 19, 2004
There were many many occasions that tears fill my eyes.. But I tried my best to hold it back.. I told myself I cannot be weak like I am in the past.. I needa be strong.. Cause he needs me to be there to encourage him.. And how am I gonna do that if I'm so weak..
But I cannot take it anymore.. I can no longer hold back the tears.. I can no longer to pretend to be strong.. Cause I'm not.. I'm not..
Everytime when he tells me time is running out.. And ask me what if something really happen to him.. I always tell him everything is gonna be fine and ask him not think so much.. But deep down.. I'm scared.. Really scared.. I don't want time to run out.. I don't want anything to happen to him.. I'll do anything.. As long as nothing bad happens to him.. Even if you ask me to leave him.. It's fine with me.. As long as he's okay.. Everything is fine with me..
Everytime when he feels troubled and moody.. I feel so stressed up.. Cause I don't know how to cheer him up.. I don't know what I can do.. How I can help.. I just want to make him feel much better.. But everytime I open my mouth to say something.. I'll just make him feel worse.. No matter how hard I try.. I just can't seems to make him feel any better..
Why am I so useless.. Why does everything I do and say seems to be wrong.. Why can't I just seems to be strong enough.. Why am I still crying.. Why..
So I'm Counting My Tears.. Till I Get Over You..
2:18 PM
she writes
Many have been tagging in my blog asking me not to go on a diet.. I bet everyone thinks I'm paranoid.. Cause they don't think I'm fat at all.. But I have reasons for this.. I didn't really wanna mention them before.. Cause I thought it is kinda embarassing.. But now I guess I must..
I admit that maybe I'm kinda paranoid.. But I really really think I'm fat.. And one thing for sure is.. I look at myself in the mirror more often than anyone look at me.. So I know it well how exactly I look from head to toe.. And the conclusion for it is.. I'm really fat..
I wish that I can try out as a model at the end of this year.. Although it's not my aspiration to be a model.. But we only live this once.. So I thought I should just give it a shot.. And if you notice.. What matters to the modelling companies now is not only the height.. There are tall girls all around the place now.. What they're looking out for is the height.. The face.. And the figure.. And out of this 3.. I only got the height.. The face.. Nothing I can do to change it.. I'm just ugly by nature.. So I'm already losing out a lot.. I needa work very very hard on the figure..
Maybe it's just my luck or this is fate.. The boyfriends that I had and am having.. Is all.. Thin.. Or in another words.. Much much thinner than I am.. Although it is a fact.. But it doesn't feels good to like have people commenting and constantly reminding you of that.. It's like so super embarassing.. You just pray that a hole will immediately appear for you to jump in and hide there forever.. And it feels even worse when your own boyfriend mention that you're fat and big sized.. Sigh..
You Make The World Go Round WIth Love.. You Are My Angel From Above..
5:28 AM
she writes
Saturday, September 18, 2004
I feel so dead for the A maths paper today.. It's like out of 12 questions.. I only did 6.. So I don't think the marks for all the questions I did is able to bring me to a pass.. Hahax.. Chemistry paper was rather okay.. But for the section B.. We were supposed to do 3 questions.. And each question is supposed to be done on a fresh sheet of paper.. But I wrote all my answers for the 3 questions on a piece of paper.. And the people around me all seems to have written a lot in their answer.. I seems to be the only one who managed to squeeze the answers for all the 3 questions in a piece of paper.. So as usual.. Don't think I'm gonna pin too much hope on it as well.. Cause for Chemistry.. Everytime I thought the paper was rather okay.. The result I get back is like.. So disappointing..
Today was a really great day for me.. Really.. Hahax.. I came home after the papers.. Changed.. Then went to meet him.. Then together with 2 of his friends.. We went to Bukit Timah to play pool.. I didn't play of course.. I just sat there all the while and watch them play.. But suprisingly.. It wasn't really very boring.. Cause they were quite entertaining.. Hahax.. Yong Ann is super super lame.. Everytime he opens his mouth.. He just makes me wanna laugh.. =X Then after that.. We went to Singapore Poly to watch their concert band.. The concert was really good.. The songs they played were really really nice.. Then the conductor also kinda funny.. Hahax.. But most importantly.. The reason why I thought today was a really really great day is because I got to spend it together with him.. It's like the first time we really spend so much time together until so late.. Heex.. (*^^*)
I feel so proud of myself again today.. I didn't eat for the entire day.. Except for a bit of sweets.. And I also drank a bit beer just now.. =X Just about half a mug.. Haven't drank for like ages.. But now my craving for alcohol is back again.. Wish I can like get out of the house now and go get some.. Argh.. This feeling is terrible..
He doesn't seems to be feeling too good today.. He seems to be thinking about a lot again.. He asked me a lot of questions that I didn't really know how to answer just now.. And now.. He seems to be really moody.. He keeps "haixing".. And there's nothing I can do except to feel the ache in my heart getting worse.. Sigh.. I really really wish I can do something to help.. Make him feel better.. Take away all his troubles.. But I needa know how.. How can I help.. Why am I so useless..
"I'm willing to be anywhere.. As long as you're with me.. And if something should really happen.. And we separate.. As long as we still feel for each other.. We'll never separate in hearts.. We never really left each other.. I cannot promise you that if something is really to happen to you.. I'll not wait.. Neither can I promise how long I'll wait.. I'll just leave it for my heart to tell me how much I love you.. But something I can be sure of.. That is.. You made up another part of my beautiful memories.. Thanx a lot.. *MuackZzZ* "
There's So Many Things I Wanna Say.. I'll Always Love You.. I'll Never Leave You Alone..
2:59 PM
she writes
Friday, September 17, 2004
The papers today were both very tough.. Sigh.. The more papers I finish.. The more demoralized I feel.. But fortunately.. It's gonna be all over next Tuesday.. And I'm having a holiday on Wednesday.. Can't help looking forward..
Nothing much happen today.. But I got to see him quite a few times today.. (*^^*) We went to school together.. I saw him during recess.. And we also got outta school together.. Hahax.. And we going out together tomorrow I suppose.. If nothing goes wrong..
I'm so sleepy.. I'm suffering from "insufficient of sleep" syndrome.. I'm so tired.. And I'm having menstrual cramps.. What a time to have my period.. Hahax.. So.. As a result of my period and insufficient of sleep.. I'm suffering from a pimples outbreak.. But I guess it'll subside after my period.. Hopefully.. Like kinda obseen to mention something like that on my blog.. But who cares.. It's my blog.. I write what I like.. Hahax..
We Started Off As Strangers.. Began As Friends.. And Became What We Are Now..
10:21 AM
she writes
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Today's Physics paper.. Paper 1 was kinda difficult.. Then for paper 2.. I thought it wasn't as tough as our mid-year paper..
I feel more encouraged while I was doing the paper.. Cause like I could do more questions than usual.. But still.. Don't dare to pin too much hope on it.. Cause there's a lot of questions that I left undone or half done due to time constraint.. Sigh..
I've decided to give up on the A maths paper for this prelim.. Can't help it.. I'm having Higher Chinese paper 2 and A maths paper 1 tomorrow.. And Chemistry paper 2 and A maths paper 2 on Friday.. I know it well that I definitely cannot use the English marks for my language.. So I'll have to count on my Higher Chinese.. You also have to include one science subject in one of the 5 other subjects.. I guess I'll be able to do better in Chemistry as compared to Physics.. Hopefully.. Sigh.. So I just have to give up on my A maths and include the marks for E maths as one of the 5 subjects.. But I'm still kinda unsure of the idea.. I feel that it's gonna be so wasted.. Like if I really have the time to study for these 3 subjects.. Maybe.. Maybe.. I'll be able to do well for all 3 and include the marks to make up my other 5 subjects.. Haiyah.. This is unfair.. I envy those who does not need to take their Chinese anymore.. They can spend their time today to study A maths.. If only I didn't choose to take Higher Chinese.. Then I will be in the same situation as them.. Then I wouldn't need to give up my A maths.. What's the point of achieving the A1 for Chinese O'level last year when you can't include it as one of the other 5 subjects if you choose Higher Chinese as your language and still have to study the subjects when others can already not touch it anymore.. Sigh.. My A maths..
So.. After eliminating English.. A maths and Chinese.. I realised I have to include all the other subjects for my L1R5.. Which is.. E maths.. High Chinese.. Chemistry.. Physics.. Geography and Combined Humanities.. How great.. I bet I'll score a big fat 30 again.. Sigh.. This is really bad..
Anyway.. After our Physics paper today.. Yuzhen.. Shi Han and me were stop by V Lee on our way out of school.. And he actually told us something that I thought was super amusing.. Hahax.. Cause the 3 of us were all wearing the Kappa shoes.. And he told us that they had a meeting yesterday.. And the teachers were told to catch those students wearing "yellow" Kappa shoes.. Meaning dirty Kappa shoes which have turned yellow.. As the school thought that we're trying to create a new trend by wearing those shoes.. And we can even be bar from taking exams if we are caught wearing those shoes.. He even mentioned about the holes in our shoes.. Not in mine.. But Yuzhen's and Shi Han's.. Saying that we think we look cool wearing shoes with holes and kinda like accused us that we were trying to start a new trend in the school.. It isn't exactly like how I described.. As in like V lee wasn't reprimanding us.. He was just telling us while the 3 of us stood there laughing away.. Hahax.. What crap.. Starting a new trend by wearing yellow kappa shoes.. Thinking that we look cool with holes in our shoes.. It's just as ridiculous as Mrs Chiu's logic of we carrying our A maths textbook on our hands cause we think it looks cool.. Hahax.. What's the problem with the damn school.. Why is the school rules getting more amusing and ridiculous.. Fortunately it's already my last year.. Pity those who are still stuck there for another few years..
I miss him a lot.. I only get to see him when we came to school together and once before the paper.. That's all.. Sigh.. And if there's no mistake in the exam timetable for tomorrow.. I think I'll only get to see him if we come to school together.. Again.. Haiyah.. =(
He wasn't really feeling very good yesterday night.. He was very stressed.. Very troubled.. Sigh.. It's all my fault.. I got him into trouble.. Yet.. I cannot even do anything to help.. I can't even say something to make him feel better.. So useless.. Sigh..
Seriously.. I don't understand.. Why of all people did he choose me.. I mean like.. I'm not pretty and I'm fat.. Neither do I make a good girlfriend..
Everytime I look at the girls around me.. I feel sorry for myself.. Some of them are so pretty.. So cute.. They're so slim.. They have a good figure.. Beautiful eyes.. I feel so depressed just by looking at them.. But I feel even more sorry for him.. There so many other much better choices around.. Why must he choose to get stranded with me.. It's not as if he don't have the criteria to get someone better.. Sigh..
Oh no! Thunder and lightning! I hate it!
If Love Is A Crime.. Than Punish Me.. I'll Die For You.. Cause I Don't Wanna Live Without You..
6:28 AM
she writes
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Haiyah.. I can't concentrate at all.. Don't have the mood to study.. I don't like to study Physics.. I don't wanna study Physics.. I don't Know how to study Physics.. For once.. I wish I was a Biology student.. Sigh..
Why Can't You Just Love Me.. Please Don't Push Too Hard.. The Truth You Think You're After.. Might Just Break My Heart..
9:45 AM
she writes
I finished another 2 papers today.. Literature and E maths paper 1.. Literature was quite bad I suppose.. Cause like I didn't really never organised my thoughts properly for the set text question.. After writing like about a page.. I realised that I should add another paragraph in front.. I even thought about rewriting the entire essay.. But I know I definitely wouldn't have the time to finish.. So I just added the points of that paragraph in my conclusion.. As for the unseen part.. Worse.. I attempted the poem question and I totally wrote crap.. I didn't really understand what the poem was talking about.. And I don't even know if those poetic devices I identified are correct.. Sigh.. But what can I do.. It's over..
E maths was rather okay.. The question that I couldn't do were mostly the one mark question.. And I don't understand why.. But I don't dare to pin so much hope on it.. Although I know it's like the only possible subject that I'll have the chance to see an A.. Don't wanna be crying over it like I did in mid-year.. And I bet I'll have a lot of careless mistakes.. I was like half asleep while doing it.. Not that it's very easy.. It's because I'm really really tired.. And the reason for my it.. I don't really wanna go into details.. I should just leave it as I slept kinda late.. And my sleep was disrupted by whatever reason I really don't wanna mention.. So.. I ended up not having more than 3 hours of sleep..
Feel kinda guilty also.. Cause I'm suppose to wake Uncle up this morning.. But don't know why his phone was diverted to the voicemail.. So I couldn't reach him.. Hope I didn't cause him to be late for his exams.. But if that's really the case.. So sorry!
There's something that I really really wanna say and don't wanna say at the same time.. The reason why I don't wanna say is because.. I think I'm gonna be really really mean to say all these.. But if I don't.. It's gonna keep bothering me and I probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on studying.. But I've decided to say it afterall.. This is my blog.. I write what I wanna write.. Why should I not include things just because I'm afraid that some people that I don't want to might read it.. If that's the case.. Must as well just don't have a blog.. And furthermore.. I wasn't the person who ask them to read it.. They can always not read it if they don't like what they're seeing..
I know I've started all your misery when I asked for a break up.. But don't blame me for how you are feeling now.. Cause you're the one who chose to know what's going on with my life now.. You're the one who chose to read my blog.. I didn't wanna let you know all these.. Not because I'm wanna hide from you or afraid to let you know.. It's because I thought it would be more appropriate to only let you know when things between us start to clam down a bit.. And you're the one who refuse to pick up and move on with your life.. You're the one who chose to dwell on our past.. You're the one who made yourself feel so miserable now.. So stop blaming me or stop asking me why am I treating you this way.. I could treat you like a really good friend if you stop bringing up the past.. Stop making feel as if I was the one who is in wrong in everything.. Is it wrong for me to have picked up and moved on.. Must I be miserable just because you're feeling that way..
You can hate me for all you want.. You can go on and tell it to my mum or my sister.. Let them boycott me like the other time because of a stupid misunderstanding that you've caused.. I could take it the other time.. There probably wouldn't be much of a difference if it happened again.. I can take it again.. Anyway.. After that incident.. I realised what I really mean in my mum's eyes.. I'm a flirt.. I'm a bitch.. It's something I cannot blame her for saying.. Cause she said it was a fact.. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have to hear her say that to me again..
I can give you back everything that belongs to you.. Your clothes.. Your discs.. Everything.. But as for the bears and the photos.. Sorry.. The bears are given to me.. The photos have been all the while maintained by me.. They're mine.. They belong to me.. You have no right to ask them back..
I'm really not worth your time.. Your effort and your love.. I'm not worth everything you're doing for.. I really hope you can just pick up and move on with your life.. And for a start.. I think you should stop reading my blog to make yourself so miserable.. Of course.. If you wanna continue.. I can't stop you.. It's your choice.. Maybe we'll be able to be friends again when you finally managed to let go and move on.. Take care..
I must admit.. There's something he said that made me remember something.. Remembered the me I used to be.. I was someone who totally detest smokers.. I remember I once stood in the middle of no where and cried.. I even bit myself because I found out that Ec smoked while he was out with his friends.. But what's with the me now.. Sigh..
Anyway.. His brother found out that he was smoking when he came across his blog.. Feel kinda guilty.. Cause he set up the blog partly because of me.. Then now.. It got him into trouble.. But afterall.. I really really hope that he can try to like quit smoking like he promised to before we got together.. But who am I to actually ask for so much.. Sigh..
Why am I feeling this way..
There's No Laughter In The Air.. Only Silence Everywhere.. And So Much Left Unspoken..
6:39 AM
she writes
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Have been practising my maths after I finished my previous entry.. But till now still haven't even completed an entire paper.. This isn't a really very good sigh.. Cause I'm suppose to finish the paper in 2 hours tomorrow..
But since I'm like kinda losing concentration.. I granted myself a short break to wake half an hour tv and come online.. Hahax..
I should be getting back to work soon.. Try to finish up this paper and another paper.. Then study and memories all the formulaes.. Then revise the poetic skills and read try to memorise all the special events in the Literature text.. Guess I'll have to stay up again tonight..
Feel so proud of myself.. Cause I only ate an apple for dinner.. Looks like I'm going well with the diet plan.. But hope the apple can last me till tomorrow.. Don't wanna "qian gong jing qi"..
When This World Doesn't Turn Anymore.. When The Stars Decided To Stop Shining.. Till Then I.. Gonna Be By Your Side.. Gonna Be Loving You Forever.. Everyday Of My Life..
11:15 AM
she writes
One good news to share.. I finished 2 papers today.. Yeah! =P So now I'm like another day closer to the 21st of September.. The last day of my exam.. Hahax.. And I don't have to go to school on the 22nd of September.. Cause they're Biology paper is postponed from this Saturday to Wednesday.. Kinda encouraging isn't it.. Hahax..
But.. The bad news is.. Both the papers today suck.. Totally.. It's like.. The Chinese compostion.. Out of 3 topics.. 1 of them I don't know what they asking about.. Another one I don't know how to write.. Than the last one.. So difficult.. Organ transplant.. Tell me what I'm suppose to talk about.. How would I know why people refuse to donate their organs.. So I just totally crapped my way true.. Sigh.. As for The Geography paper.. Even worse.. Not enough time to finish.. So didn't finish 10 marks worth of questions.. Then I identify the wrong natural vegetation.. So another 7 marks gone.. And to say that natural vegetation is my best topic lorx.. Sigh.. But I guess the worse is yet to come.. I'm having Physics paper 1 and 2 on Wednesday.. A maths paper 1 and Chinese paper 2 on Thursday.. And Chemistry paper 2 and A maths paper 2 on Friday.. How's that.. So dead.. Sigh.. Afterall.. I'm more or less prepared to see 30 points for my L1R5 again.. But still.. I bet I'll still feel damn disappointed when I get back the papers.. Hope I don't cry.. Like they say.. No point crying over spilt milk.. And who else can I blame.. I was the one who didn't study..
Although I know I wouldn't be able to achieve good grades.. But.. I stil wanna wish those taking prelims now good luck.. Hope they'll do well.. Especially Uncle.. Cause can see like he's really putting in a lot more effort in his studies.. And he's really really studying very hard.. So hope he'll able to pass with flying colours.. But at the same time.. Don't overwork himself.. Must get enough food and enough sleep..
Wasted one hour plus just now waiting for nothing.. I could have spend the time studying.. Should have listened to Suxian and Yuzhen to not go back and look for him.. Make me sit there like idiot and feed mosquitoes.. But then.. Since at least he took the iniative to suggest on meeting.. And it wasn't really his fault also.. I should forgive him.. Hahax.. Don't wanna make him feel guilty..
Gotta stop here.. Have to go do some maths practices.. I'm having E maths paper 1 and Literature paper tomorrow.. Talking about Literature.. I don't really know what to study.. Furthermore.. I haven't even read my entire Literature text once yet.. I stopped at the chapter before they went into Hang Wood during my Secondary 2 end of the year holidays.. Hahax.. This means that I have been taking 3 major Literature papers and all the Literature tests since last year without finish the text even once.. And now.. I'm only managed to finish chapter 1 after I started to re-read it like a few months ago.. Oh yah.. And they say the poem question for tomorrow's paper will be much easier than the prose.. But I suck at poem.. I always don't understand what they're talking about.. And I don't have the skills.. So.. By attempting either questions.. I'm risking.. Sigh..
When Winter Comes In Summer.. When There's No More Forever.. When Lies Become The Truth.. That's When I'll Stop Loving You..
8:28 AM
she writes
Monday, September 13, 2004
Today is a super boring day for me.. The first thing I did when I wake up.. Is to study.. And till now.. I'm still studying.. Sigh.. But the irony is.. I don't think I'll be able to finish studying.. Think I'll hafta stay up to finish.. But I'm already kinda of tired.. Hope I'll be able to make it through the night..
I'm still left with like 2 big chapters.. Weathering and Weather Studies.. But I still needa go through the chapter on Rivers again.. And I totally know nuts about climate despite spending so much time on it.. Sigh.. This is really bad.. And I haven't revised my Chinese too.. I'm so dead.. So so dead.. I'll be so damn happy if I don't get 30 for my L1R5 again this prelim.. Sigh..
I miss him a lot today as well.. Haven't seen him for 2 entire days.. But fortunately.. I'll be able to see him tomorrow.. Cause it's monday.. Heex.. (*^^*)
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved top the chart! Hahax.. Although it totally got nothing to do with me.. But I just love that song.. It's a really great song..
Anyway.. I lost weight! Hahax.. Although it's only by so little bit.. Hahax.. But at least my effort did pay off a little.. Must continue to work harder on my diet plan to achieve my ideal weight..
Oh yah.. And my saving plan officially starts tomorrow.. Hope I'll be able to make it through the week..
Don't Be Afraid.. If You Got Something To Say.. Just Open Up Your Heart And Let It Show You The Way..
11:13 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Guess what.. The reminder bills for both my lines just came.. What the.. And as usual.. I got blasted off by Daddy.. Sigh.. So dead.. The two bills adds up to a total of a $120 plus.. And I'm supposed to make the full payment of one of them by 24th of September.. And the other by the 21st of September.. But till now.. I've only managed to save $55.. Which is like not even half of the amount.. How great.. Just when I realised I that got loads of things I wanna buy.. Hope Ec can terminate the Pod Lite line for me as soon as possible.. Don't wanna waste money paying for a line that I'm not using.. Sigh..
Have to try to clear off everything by next week.. But how.. I got something that I wanna buy next week.. Okay.. Should say I really needa buy.. And I'm supposed to catch a movie with Jessica on Friday too.. ( I'm not trying to hint anything Jessi.. I really wanna watch that show too.. So no matter how hard it is.. I'll still catch it with you on Friday.. Don't worry kayx.. ) Sigh.. Guess all I can do is try not to spend a single cent of my pocket money next week.. But even if I can not spend a single cent.. It's impossible to clear off the bills.. Cause I'm not even getting so much money a week.. Haiyoh.. Headache arhx..
I Was Only Trying To Keep The Walls From Closing In.. I Was Only Waiting Round For Something To Begin..
12:09 PM
she writes
I planned to wake up at 8:30 this morning to study.. But I only managed to drag my butt off my bed at 9:30.. I thought it was already quite an achievement.. Hahax..
But after going through all the trouble of trying to wake up early.. I only managed to finish the part on River Nile before I headed for granny's house.. I intended to study there.. So I brought my books along and made my bag so heavy.. But when I reach there.. I was too tired to do anything.. So I slept.. Hahax.. And by the time I woke up.. It was time for me to go for my guitar lesson.. Hahax..
So that's how my day went.. Boring isn't it.. Sigh.. I miss him a lot.. Guess it's because I've been spending a lot of time with him for the past two days.. Then it's like suddenly he isn't with me today.. Feel so.. Weird.. It isn't exactly the most suitable word to use.. But I just cannot find an appropriate word to describe that feeling.. But.. Never mind.. What's important is.. He enjoyed his day.. (*^^*)
Talking about missing him.. I kinda miss Li Zhen.. Li Zhu and Karen also.. Hahax.. This is indeed kinda weird.. Cause I just gotta know them like 2 days ago.. And I didn't really talk to them much either.. But I must admit.. They're really nice people.. HmmM.. Just hope everything will go well and smooth for them..
I feel so guilty.. Cause I injured Grant this afternoon.. Oh my gosh right.. He came into my room when I wanted to change.. So I chased him out and closed the door.. But I didn't realise he placed his fingers at the door hinge.. And now his finger is kinda swollen and flattened at the same time with a blue-black.. So guitly.. Bur fortunately.. I didn't slam the door close.. If not his finger would have definitely broke.. Ewwww.. I can't imagine..
Something is really wrong with me these few days.. My thoughts and actions just don't seems to telly.. Yesterday.. I've decided that I should buy Burger King.. But I ended up walking to McDonalds.. As for today.. After much consideration.. I've finally decided that I should eat rice.. But I ended up buying noodles.. What's with me..
When I was walking home just now.. I suddenly realised that there's really loads and loads of things I wanna buy.. Let me list them all out.. I wanna buy a new pair of slippers.. Adidas shoe.. And sneakers.. The skirt from Topshop that cost $80.. The top from Espirit that cost $30.. A new pair of pants and hipster jeans.. And also a new bikini.. Hahax.. I also wanna get a new wallet.. Bag and pencil case.. And not to forget.. My discman and laptop.. And something else that I shouldn't mention here.. Oh my gosh.. This is like.. A lot.. And on top of all these.. I still have to settle my monthly bill and stuff.. So all I can do now is.. To work harder on my dieting and saving plan.. Good luck to myself.. Hahax..
School is gonna reopen in like a day.. Mixed feeling.. I'm feeling happy because I'll be getting to see him for at least 5 days a week again.. Hahax.. Although it's not as if we're gonna spend a lot of time together.. But to me.. Seeing him is enough.. But then.. What's making me really nervous about school reopen is.. I'll be staring straight into the prelim papers that I'm not even prepared for.. I feel dead.. So dead.. I probably wouldn't be able to make it to the 3 months' course.. I know it well.. So.. All I can do now.. Is to hope for the better for my O's.. Have to eliminate the thought of taking a short break after my prelims.. Cause I really don't deserve it at all.. I'm not even studying.. I'll just have to study really really really hard everyday after my prelims.. Hope he can study with me.. Cause his exams are nearing too.. He really need the good grades as well.. But I believe.. We'll both make it through.. Together..
You Can Call Me Selfish.. But All I Want Is Your Love.. You Can Call Me Hopeless.. Cause I'm Hopelessly In Love..
10:41 AM
she writes
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Gosh~ I haven't been studying a lot today either.. Guilt-stricken.. Why am I such a slacker.. I don't understand.. I guess I can really kiss goodbye to my 3 months course.. *Sigh*
My day was okay today.. Got the chance to see him and keep him company today again.. (*^^*) Although as usual.. We didn't really go anywhere special.. But like I've said.. I'm satisfied enough just to have the chance to see him and be around him.. And I actually did manage to study a bit when I'm with him.. Although not a lot.. But if you really think about it.. It's quite an achievement.. Hahax..
Guess what.. I've came to a conclusion that.. I'm really such a weakling.. I can't seems to be able to reject people.. I just keep giving in.. And like what Lynn once told me.. I'm that kinda person who just try to swallow all the unhappiness.. HmmM.. Don't exactly know how to explain this side of me.. But sometimes I just really wish I can grow out of this 'keep-everything-inside-myself' me.. I just wish I could display and express all that I feel.. My unhappiness.. My jealousy.. My curiousity.. Everything.. But I guess it wouldn't be very possible.. Cause it just wouldn't feel like me if I'm not like that..
I feel like drinking alcoholic drinks.. Hahax.. Sudden urge.. The last time that I really really drank was during my birthday chalet.. Which was almost 3 months ago.. I drank like 4 bottles on the first night.. And the bottle of red wine that Wai Leong and Aloysious gave me as birthday present on the second night.. Although I didn't finish the entire bottle.. Hahax.. I'm gonna find myself a night after the prelims.. Provided I'm loaded.. And get myself really really drank.. Hahax.. Quite a crazy idea.. But I don't have the chance to do that every other day..
I Spread My Wings And I Learn How To Fly.. I Do What It Takes Till I Touch The Sky..
12:00 PM
she writes
Friday, September 10, 2004
I am so selfish.. I went all the way out to achieve a life that I really wanted.. A life of my own.. In the expanse on two guys' happiness.. Now they're suffering.. Now they have changed.. They're no longer the wonderful people that I know.. They no longer feel happy.. How could I have done something like that.. I'm inhuman..
"All I wanna say to you two is that.. Now.. I'm kinda like trying to contact you guys lesser.. Or maybe not at all.. I avoid bringing up the past as much as possible.. It's not because I've forgotten.. I haven't forgotten a thing we went through together.. I've kept them as a part of my memories.. I'm doing all this.. Sincerely wishing that I can make you guys forget me.. Forget about the past.. Completely.. Stand up on your feets.. And move on with your own life again.. Become the wonderful guys I used to know again.. Even if it means that I would have to lose the both of you.. I don't mind.. Not because I don't care.. It's just that the both of you means so much to me.. That it really cuts and hurt me to see the both of you in this state.. I know it wouldn't like make the both of you feel better at all.. But.. Sorry.. I'm really sorry.."
I Used To Be A Moth.. And You Were A Butterfly.. But Now I'm A Butterfly Too.. Cause You Have Painted My Wings With All Your Colours..
3:54 PM
she writes
Although my computer has already kinda recovered.. But I haven't been blogging for quite a few days.. So here am I to touch up a bit on my past few days.. As well as today..
Nothing special have been happening in my life.. I have been going to school this few days although I'm suppose to be having school holidays.. But no choice.. Exams is coming.. But I've decided to give myself a break by skipping Literature lesson tomorrow.. Cause it's like it's only starting at 1:30.. What an akward timing.. So.. I've decided to give it a skip..
Everything went okay for him yesterday.. Fortunately.. Although it's gonna happen again on the 22nd.. Our 1st month.. But it's okay.. At least if anything should happen.. I still get to spend another 13 days with him.. But of course.. I totally believe that nothing is gonna happen..
As for today.. I went to school in the morning for Chemistry remedial.. Then after that.. I went to meet him.. Heex.. So happy.. Cause the last time we met was like last Friday.. Which means that I haven't seen him for about 5 entire days.. Although we didn't do anything special today.. We just walked around a lot.. And went to his friend's house to watch VCD and slack for the entire afternoon.. But I am already happy and satisfied enough.. Cause I finally got to see him and spend some time with him.. Hahax.. (*^^*)
But right now.. I'm feeling extremely guilty.. Cause I skipped tuition and I didn't study for the entire afternoon.. I better get started later.. Don't think I'm gonna do well for prelims.. Nothing new I guess.. I'm such a slacker.. I'm feeling so stressed.. But yet I'm not studying.. No logic right..
I Would Never Find Another Lover.. Sweeter Than You.. And I would Never Find Another Lover.. Precious Than You..
11:20 AM
she writes
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
I'm blogging at Suxian's house.. Again.. Why.. It's not beacuse my computer is down so I have to come to her house to blog.. I feel pathetic saying the reason.. Okay.. This is how it goes..
I asked him if I could meet him today.. Cause it's like it's gonna be Wednesday tomorrow.. And I really really really miss him a lot.. I just really really wanna see him.. Even if it's for a while.. Even if I have to go all the way down to Woodlands.. It's okay for me.. It's really okay..But he told me maybe he will be going cycling with his friends.. Or maybe he can't even go out.. But he say he'll sms me in the morning to tell me if we can meet..
So I went to school in the morning.. And waited.. And waited.. And waited.. Nothing came.. No call.. No sms.. Then my lesson ended around 11 plus.. And I was thinking if I should call him.. But I was worried he was still sleeping and I don't wanna wake him up.. So I waited.. And waited.. And waited again.. Then at about 12 plus.. I really cannot take it anymore.. I called his house.. And guess what.. He's out.. No where to be found.. I thought for very long before msging his best friend to ask if he knew where he went.. But he didn't know it too.. So there was totally nothing I could do.. Except to continue waiting.. So I waited.. And waited.. And waited.. I tried to drag time by staying around Lot 1 cause I wouldn't want a situation whereby he only call and ask me to meet him at Woodlands after I get home.. Cause I don't know if I'll be able to go out once I reached home..
Finally.. At exactly 01:23:38pm.. He called to ask me if I wanted to go down to Woodlands to meet him.. I was like really really happy that he called.. And naively thought that I'll finally be able to see him.. But guess what.. He said I will be needing to cycle.. Cause he and his friends will like be moving around the place and I wouldn't be able to catch up if I walk.. But I told him I was in school uniform.. And he actually told me to go back home and change first then meet him.. But that's exactly what I don't want and why I have been trying to drag time.. But I though never mind.. I just go down to meet him in school uniform.. If they will like be moving around and it will be inconvinient for me.. I'll just have to head for home.. At least I still get to see him.. I'm satisfied enough.. But before we could even confirm anything.. He said he gotta hang up and will call me back later.. I thought he'll call back very soon.. So I decided sit down at the interchange to wait a while with the company of Suxian talking to me on the phone.. But after like half an hour.. He still didn't call back.. So I came up to Suxian's place to wait..
It's already 4:04pm now.. Exactly 2 hours and 41 minutes have passed.. And he have yet to call back yet.. How great..And till now.. I'm actually waiting.. Still waiting for him to call back.. Still waiting to get the chance to see him..
I feel so sorry for myself.. I feel so pathetic.. I feel so cheap.. To stood myself so down to such a level just because of a guy.. Although I really really miss him a lot.. But if tomorrow isn't Wednesday.. I wouldn't have been so desperate.. So desperate to see him.. Although I believe that nothing will happen to him.. But what if.. I don't wanna regret not meeting him today only then.. And at this point of time.. I just wanna see him.. I just wanna keep him company.. But I bet it didn't matter to him at all if he really don't get to see me again.. Sobx sobx..
Maybe everyone was right.. How true can his feelings for me be.. I shouldn't have been so serious in this relationship.. But how.. Tell me how.. If I didn't wanna be serious in this relationship.. I wouldn't have accepted him in the first place.. But like Jessica said.. Since I choose this path.. I shouldn't be complaining.. Yah.. Sorry about everything.. It's all my fault..
I Need Someone To Hold Me When I'm Lonely.. Someone To Tell My Secrets To.. Someone Who's Living For Me Only..
7:16 AM
she writes
Monday, September 06, 2004
Amazing isn't it.. I'm actually blogging at home.. Hahax.. This is my computer.. If it's in a good mood.. Everything will go well.. If it isn't.. Nothing you can do to make it work..
Hahax.. I'm enjoying every moment now.. I'm downloading all the songs I wanna download.. =X It feels really great.. Hahax..
But sad to say.. My MSN isn't working.. I don't know why.. Still trying to work things out and get it right so I can chat with the people online and ask them to send me all the stuff I've been missing.. ('-^ )
Oh yah.. I'm going out later.. So excited.. So happy.. Heex..
I've Never Felt Like This Before.. I'm Loving Every Minute Of It.. Don't Stop.. You're All I Ever Want..
1:39 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Sobx.. I hate it.. Why is he always like that.. I've always been accomodating with him.. But he always seems to be taking advantage of things..
We were supposed to go out today.. We were supposed to go catch a movie at Jurong Point and take pictures.. I didn't even mind when he said one of his friends was gonna tag along.. As long as we get to spend the day together.. As long as I get to see him.. Cause like he say.. We don't really have a lot of chance to spend our time together le..
I was really really really really looking forward to today.. And he told me he was looking forward to it too.. What rubbish.. What crap.. Liar.. He just called me and say he couldn't catch a movie with me today.. I thought it's okay.. Maybe we can go for a walk or something.. But he told me he's roller blading with his friends and asked if I wanted to go all the way to Woodlands to accompany him cause they have three person there and he seems to be the odd one out.. Then when I asked him what do I do when I reached there.. He just say we'll be sitting with his friends and talk.. Then he send me to the MRT station cause he needs to be home at around five.. Seriously.. I wouldn't mind going down to keep him company.. But he always seems to ask me out only when he feels out of place or extra.. Not because he misses me..
It's not the first time something like that is happening.. Why.. Is it really like what he say.. All he expects of his stead is only like for her to be there when he needs her.. Then how about the rest of the time.. Does it mean that I mean nothing to him during the rest of the time.. How about the times when I need him.. Sobx sobx.. How about the times when I really misses him.. Sobx sobx..
What am I to him exactly..
Everytime Is Back To Square.. It's All About Me Being Stupid.. Silly.. And Naive..
5:53 PM
she writes
Friday, September 03, 2004
I'm at Suxian's house.. Again.. Sigh.. I miss my computer.. When will it be okay.. I miss switching on my computer the first thing I get home everyday.. Sigh.. And I miss all my songs too.. I want my computer..
Sigh.. I'm now in a mess.. My life is now in a terrible mess.. I feel like a changed person.. I don't seems to be able to relate to anyone as well as I could before.. I don't seems to be enjoying going out with friends as much as I do anymore.. All I wanna is be alone.. I miss myself.. The me I used to be..
Why must I be so affected by them.. Why do I have to constantly be blaming myself for what thye have become.. Is it really my problem how they are doing now.. Is it really my fault that all these are happening..
I don't wish to know anything about you people anymore.. I really don't wish to know how you guys are feeling.. I really don't wish to know how you guys are doing.. I really don't wish to know how you guys are suffering.. I really don't wish to wake up every morning blaming myself for what you guys have become now.. I really don't wish to live everyday feeling so wrong.. I know you guys are suffering.. But what about me.. Have you people spared a thought for me.. For every pain you people feel.. I feel double.. Many triple.. Or maybe even many many times more.. You people just needa handle your own emotions.. Me.. I needa handle all of yours.. Plus mine.. Plus many many other things.. My world don't only live the few of you and myself.. I'm tired of having to go through all these.. I'm wanna life of my own.. I wanna live like how I use to.. I wanna live everyday doing the things I like.. I wanna live everyday feeling happy.. I wanna concentrate on my studies.. I wanna achieve all my aims.. I want my a life of my very own.. Not a life that I have to share with all of you and not feel happy about it at all.. I want my own life..
How selfish.. Pure selfishness..
Sigh.. Although I really wish I could be selfish for this once.. Just this once.. But I know I can't.. Even if I realy pretended that I don't care.. Deep down I know I still care.. Cause I caused all of them to become what they are.. Cause I cannot bear to let myself see them suffer.. But tell me what can I do.. Give me an ideal solution.. Tell me what can I do to make all of you happy.. How am I suppose to act to make all your dreams come true.. Cause every step I take seems to be wrong.. Every step I take seems to be hurting you people more than ever.. Sigh.. Tell me what should I do..
But thank goodness God gave me my friends.. He blessed me with friends to patch up all my weakness.. I always have Jessica there to think for me when my small brain can no longer go any deeper.. I always have Suxian to dry up all my tears and give me a hug when I'm really really in a bad state.. Thanx a lot.. I love you guys.. A lot..
Once Upon A Broken Heart.. I Was Walking Alone In The Dark.. Looking For A Way To Start Again..
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7:40 AM
she writes