Thursday, July 31, 2008
its such an irony to find out that the person who you thought you love so much more than he loves you actually love you far more than you ever know.
when we just started off as an item about 31 months back, he treated me like a princess; someone who he couldn't do without. even after knowing that i still wasn't over my ex, he never left. he stood by me through the most difficult times that i had to face, despite having every reason to leave. regardless of his busy schedule, he always make time for me. even if it was rushing to and fro between hougang and jurong or skipping school. he never once complained.
his commitments and responsibilites started getting heavier after he got into poly. though he couldn't allocate that kinda time and attention to me like he used to, and wasn't as expressively in terms of his feelings towards me anymore, in his heart, i'm always his top 3 priorities. no matter how much i demanded from him, he will try his best to fulfill me. though there were times that he complain about how much i'm controlling him, but most of the time he just tries to please me.
i don't know if i should be blaming myself now for not appreciating his love for me. but i really wish i realise this much much earlier. then we wouldn't be caught in the situation that we are now in.
"i don't wanna be relying on my one-sided feelings anymore;like you always complain that i'm imaging things.all i want now;is to believe in you.i hope i'll be able to continue to shower you with my love, care and concern.not to repay you for everything that you've provided me with;but to learn to love you all over again.and ulitmately;i guess you'll have an answer for me."Blinded.
8:09 PM
she writes
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
after two weeks of crying and repetitively asking myself why.
i finally found all the answers that i've been looking for.
"though we managed to patch things up after we broke up last year. but my heart has never mend. deep down, i've always been harbouring the fear of losing you. to the extent that i lost my faith, trust, and confidence. in me, in you, in this relationship. if faith, trust and confidence have existed in our relationship; i wouldn't have came up with "rules" like must meet up every saturday and must talk on the phone before we turn in. i wouldn't have been constantly looking through your messages, call lists and contacts worrying that you are secretly contacting some other girls behind my back. i wouldn't have tried so hard to change myself just to please you and become someone you like. i wouldn't have asked you again and again if you love me. cause if i had faith, trust and confidence. i would have known that it's not the meet-ups and conversations that keep our relationship strong; but the love we have for one another. i would have known that i'm the only one you love; and no one else. i would have known that you love me for who i am; not who i'm trying to be. i would have known that you love me in your own ways; far beyond words can expressed. i always thought that all these that i've done was keeping the relationship going. but instead, it tore us apart. because it made us both so exhuasted; i got tired of trying so hard to make you see everything that i've done for you. and you've got so tired of reassuring me.the fact that i failed to understand why people always compares love to a kite - "the harder you pull; the more it'll break." is also a major reason why this relationship failed. cause i made you feel suffocated.though throughout the relationship you've been again and again trying to drop me hints and doing small actions to tell me that you need space to breathe. but i've failed to pick them up. i've been too absorbed in looking at the changes that i've done. to the extent that even on the day that we broke up, i couldn't understand why you said you feel stranded when you're with me. cause i felt that i've made a lotta changes to accomodate how you want to live your life; i've cut down our meet-up to only every saturday. i'm fine with only contacting through smses and calls on weekdays. i'm agreeable with you meeting you're friends on saturday nights. so where have i still not done enough? but now i finally know. it's precisely all these "rules" that i've set that's suffocating you. it's the way that you've to abide by them, and the way i make you feel guilty when you do not do as i planned that make you feel controlled.I'M SO SORRY!i can't believe that i actually thought i was a prettay good girlfriend. but the fact is that i fail terribly as one. i couldn't even do the simplest thing that someone as a girlfriend should; that is putting myself in your position and knowing what you really need and want. i guess i just love you too much that i'm overwhelmed by the fear of losing you. i'm so so so sorry.the only way that i can salvage this whole situation now is to learn to overcome the fear of losing you, and gather back whatever that i've lost these 2 years; including my faith, trust and confidence. cause only then will i be able to truly feel that your love for me is actually as much as mine for you. cause only then will we have a chance again. i don't know how long is this gonna take me. and i don't know if you'll still be standing at the same place by then. but all i know is that if this relationship matters to you as much as it does to me, we'll eventually find each other where we left; standing at the same spot waiting to continue the journey together.i love you."i guess what michelle said is so true;
it's time i find my old self back.
"michy. thanks a lot!"The Answer To All My Questions; Lies In Me.
11:41 PM
she writes
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"i'll open your chat window everytime i see you online;just to stare at it hoping that you'll message me.everytime my message ringtone sounds on my phone;i pray really hard without fail that it's you.but the truth is always disappointing.did i vanish from your heart and mind;when you chose to make me disappear from your life?how long do i hafta go on without you?i miss you;so much.baby..."If Only You Knew.
11:48 PM
she writes
Monday, July 28, 2008
no matter how hard i try to pick myself up over and over again.
i find my heart falling back to the same spot;
refusing to budge.
"nothing seems to be able to occupy my mind;
cause you already have;every moment.it's been exactly 2 weeks since you left.but the pain;is still as fresh as ever.and even deeper.what kinda emotions did you bring with you when you left?when will you be back?baby..." this song is me.
i feel alive but yet not living.So Badly.
11:31 PM
she writes
Sunday, July 27, 2008
"you once told me that as long as i wait;you'll come for me.does it still applies now?baby.come back to me."The Past; Have Never Been So Painful.
10:30 PM
she writes
the very moment i saw him;
i had the urge to run over to hug him and never let go.
although i didn't mention anything about the entire situation to him;
but i could hear my heart screaming "don't leave!" over and over again.
i really wanted to stay 1 more minute just to look at him;
but i could feel the tears already welling up in my eyes.
and i know time's up;
i had to leave.
so i quickly ran down the stairs.
with tears flowed freely the moment i turned my back against him.
although the whole "meet-up" was probably like less than 5 minutes.
but after what seems like the longest 2 weeks ever.
this was like a super big bonus to me.
"i promised you and promised myself that i'll leave you alone after this "meet-up".but my heart is aching like never before.i've always picture forever with you. so why is all these happening?!i pray everyday;for you to turn back.for our paths to cross once again.but do you know how afraid i am just imagining if this day will never come?!all that i've left now are -memories of you.pictures of you.messages from you.and a glimpse of hope that one day we'll have a chance to start all over.i'll keep waiting.cause i love you;and will always do."When You're Gone.
2:09 AM
she writes
Saturday, July 26, 2008
the fact that i might have a chance to see him later;
makes butterflies flutter in my stomach.
i feel so nervous;
i don't know what to say when i see him.
i feel so scared;
i don't know if i'm able to control my tears.
but no matter what;
i know the rule -
i can't cry in front of him.
but then again.
i might not even have a chance to see him afterall.
"i'm sorry i bothered you so much recently.
i failed to keep my promise.
but for the last time today;
then never again.
maybe one day -
you'll get tired of being alone.
and when you think of me;
you'll still feel the love and happiness.
that will be the day that i'll be waiting for.
but for now;
i'll leave you with all the happiness and blessings.
and i'll carry with me the unhappiness and memories.
but please always remember;
i'll keep waiting.
and i love you."
Once So Dear.
10:08 AM
she writes
Thursday, July 24, 2008
although we don't meet up very often previously;
ultimately i know he'll still be there.
but no matter how hard i try to look now;
i know he's no longer there.
i feel so alone;
and i'm so afraid of being alone.
i know many will tell me i still have my friends and my families.
but we all know that it's not the same.
"i hope your presentation went well today.i really wanna drop you an sms to find out.but i can't;i don't wanna be bothering you.when you left;i lost a part of me.what about you?"tears just keeps flowing non-stop no matter how hard i try.
my heart just keeps raining like it'll never ever stop.
i can no longer gather myself to do anything else.
Hurt; Beyond Words.
7:10 PM
she writes
just got home from a movie.
watched red cliff.
great show;
interesting.
can't wait for the second part.
something unhappy happened just now.
although not to me.
but still someone close.
i don't wanna go into details.
but just wanna say -
some wounds which look like they have already closed up on the outside;
will never heal inside.
"i believe you would have the same kinda comments if you watched red cliff.i hope we'll be able to catch the second part together.i miss you so much.i love you too much."You're Impossible To Find.
1:00 AM
she writes
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
i ought to be feeling tired after 4 consecutive days of work;
but i'm not.
still sleepless at night.
"i keep hoping that we'll go back to the days we use to share.i keep praying for a future with you.i've never asked myself what if all these will never happen.cause i know no matter the outcome;my choice will still be the same -i'll wait.cause i know it's you i wanna spend forever with.no matter how much others tell me to move on.i felt the love;and i know it's worth.we missed the chance to watch fireworks together on the last national day.i really hope we'll have a chance to make it up this year.i miss you;so much so much."Afraid Of Being Forgotten.
10:48 PM
she writes
Sunday, July 20, 2008
i actually climbed every storey of the carpark near his grandma's place in search of his car.
i don't know why i did that.
i'll prolly just be looking at an empty car even if i manage to find it.
but i guess all i wanted was to find a tinnie winnie trace of familiarity;
to reassure myself that nothing has changed.
but instead;
all i came to realise when i reach the highest level of the carpark was;
things will never ever be the same again.
"we were suppose to catch batman together this week.and so many more good movies in the days to come.but i don't know if we'll ever have a chance to do that again;just the two of us.i have so much so much i wanna tell you about.but i can't.cause all i can do for you now is to leave you alone.i miss you so much.and i wonder if you feel the same too.i love you."they say distance makes the heart grows fonder;
and i wanna believe it's true.
Silently Waiting.
10:20 PM
she writes
Saturday, July 19, 2008
feels so weird being home on a saturday.
but i guess it's something that i'm gonna hafta get used to.
i'm not gonna allow myself to stay at home the whole day though.
i've decided to move my ass back to shang to work every saturday.
to keep myself occupied.
and go back to the place where we started.
i don't know if it's gonna help.
i don't have a reason to justify as well.
maybe i'm just hoping, praying and waiting that we might one day be able to start all over at the place we first did.
skipped work and bunked over at my sister's place yesterday night.
just didn't think i was ready to head home alone after knocking off at 11pm;
when i'm so used to have him picking me up and then head for supper.
just didn't wanna come home to an empty room on a friday night;
where i used to have him sitting in front of my desktop playing away.
the lingering memories is hurting me so bad.
but i know i'll never wanna lose them.
"i always be silently praying that you'll turn back.i love you."to lings-
"i know it's always hard to make a choice.although it's not as easy as choosing between 2 pieces of clothing.but like the way you decide which piece to purchase.weigh their worth.test their suitability.look at which flatters you more.which do you see yourself wearing more often.and most importantly which one you desire more deep down.don't be overcome by-the length of time that you've spent looking for that piece of clothing.or your friends' comments about how you look in them.or the right way you should be dressed in.and most importantly impulse.follow you heart my dear.
cause people lie and actions deceive.but your heart will never cheat you.though the truth may not always be a rational or model decision.but we'll worry about that later.no matter what.do remember we'll support the decisions you make.love you."I Don't Need An Imitation Of You.
12:58 PM
she writes
Friday, July 18, 2008
"how can life be beautiful again;without you.i miss you.so much."Raindrops Keep Falling Into My Heart.
12:51 AM
she writes
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
had a prettay freaky encounter with this lady while working earlier.
and the first thing that came to my mind was -
"i have to call baby later to tell him about this!"
then there was this "pang".
and this sudden realisation flooded me;
i'm no longer attached.
and the fact just kept sounding in my head.
there're so many questions that i wish someone could answer.
"how can someone change in just a blink of an eye?"
"how can your love for someone just disapper?"
"where did i go wrong?"
"where have i not done enough?"
"is he feeling as upset as i am?"
"does he miss me as much as i'm missing him?"
"does he really feel happier this way?"
"will we ever have a chance of getting back?"
"why must this happen to me?"
so many unanswered questions.
and the list just keeps getting longer.
i don't know how long more i can remain rational.
i feel myself losing it.
i used to look forward to fridays and saturdays.
but now i wish these 2 days never existed.
i'm afraid.
"turn back and look at me again will you?"On My Mind.
11:12 PM
she writes
to mummy who i dug up at 3 plus am just to get a shoulder to cry on, hugs and comforting words.
to sis who called me up halfway through work to analyse the situation with me and let me know i'll always have her support.
to waifong who came over just to keep me company and cry with me.
to my twosome and jason for wine-housing trip just to get me occupied and make me feel better.
to michelle neo who sent me an sms and dedicated a post to me to let me know i'm not alone.
to girlfriends who dropped me smses and planned to meet me up soon.
to wenli who msned to comfort me.
to michelle yeo who kept messaging me just to make sure i'm fine.
"a super big thank you to all of you dearies.thanks for making today passable for me.and letting me know that i'll still have you all in the days ahead."at least in a way;
i'm know i'm still blessed with families and friends.
"if you're feeling as upset as i am.i hope you'll have loads of people around you to make you feel better too.i thought over what i want;and that is for you to be happy.although i cant be beside you to make it happen.but the least i can do now is to let you go and leave you alone.please find your deserved happiness.i'll make sure i'm a better and stronger person the next time you see me.not to make you regret the choice you made.but to wipe off your guilt for leaving.i can only pray so hard that our fate has yet to end.and our paths will cross yet again one day.maybe then you'll turn back and see me for who i am.maybe then you'll sincerely feel my love and love me wholeheartedly like you used to.maybe then i might still be standing at the same spot - waiting.or maybe then i might already have moved on. no matter how these maybe(s) turn out to be;at least i know you once loved me so wholeheartedly.enough.you'll still be the one i love most.i miss you.""i'm sorry i failed to protect our picture perfect.my darling angels."So Sweet and Innocent; Then.
1:49 AM
she writes
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
it's over.
again.
2 years 6 months and 14 days.
"i tried so hard to keep it going.but you chose to give up.leaving me without a choice.you wanted me to let you go;because you wanted to be free.because you said you didn't love me anymore.so i did.and so be happy.i'm sorry that i still ain't good enough in your eyes.i love you.and will still do."it hurt far more than the last.
but it was the risk i chose to take.
i have no one to blame.
and no regrets.
i'm silently hoping our paths will cross again;please.Fly Away.
9:27 AM
she writes
Monday, July 14, 2008
i ask myself;
if it's all still worth it.
and all i wanna ask you is
"will losing me be losing a part of yourself?"You Froze My Heart.
10:52 PM
she writes