Monday, August 30, 2004
Today is Jessica's birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to my dear! Happy Birthday to you! So I'm now over at her house.. Cause she say she wanna stay home to study for Social Studies.. So I came over to keep her company.. How can I leave my dear alone at home to study on her birthday right.. And if I don't keep her company today.. It will be the first birthday I didn't spend with her..
Loads and loads of things happened during this period of time I should say.. Okay.. I got a new boyfriend.. How unbelievable.. How contradicting.. Don't really know what to say.. I got no explanations for my actions.. But so far.. Things have been going okay for us.. He's okay lorx.. Wan Mei told me I shouldn't be so serious.. Wait and see how things go.. But it seems that I've already went a bit too deep.. He seems to be affecting me a lot.. Sigh.. Maybe this is just me.. Just the silly and naive me.. But if one day we really broke up.. And I'm really really hurt.. And I start crying and doing all the stupid things again.. Don't sympathise me.. Don't bother about me.. Just leave me alone.. Serve me right.. I should learn my lesson.. Sigh..
My actions hurt someone really really badly.. Sigh.. Don't know what to say.. I feel so sorry.. I feel so guilty.. I know sorry wouldn't bring any help.. I know sorry wouldn't make him feel any better.. But I still got to say it.. Sigh.. HaiX.. I'm sorry! Really sorry!
Anyway.. Prelim started.. Can you believe.. I don't seems to be prepared for it yet but it's already here.. Crap.. I've already finished my Physics Practical and English paper.. And they both suck.. Having my Social Studies paper tomorrow.. Hope everything goes well..
Everything I Do Is Wrong.. Everything I Say Is Wrong.. Everything Is Wrong About Me.. It's Wrong To Have Me Living In This World.. I'm Wrong.. Just Wrong..
6:41 AM
she writes
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Suprise that I'm blogging.. I'm at Suxian's house again.. Cannot post a very long entry because I have to leave for tuition in like 7 minutes time.. Sigh..
I'm tired! I'm suffering from lack of sleep! What an irony.. It's not as if I'm studying very hard but yet I'm experiencing insufficient sleep..
I just realise that I made a very grave mistake.. I'm leading things the way I don't want it to develop.. I really don't.. I hope it's not too late to make a change.. And I hope it's possible to make a change.. But no matter how hard I try.. I gotta improve the situation.. Sigh..
Why Do I Always Realise Things When It's Too Late..
7:45 AM
she writes
Friday, August 13, 2004
I'm currently blogging in Suxian's house.. Cause my tuition starts at 7:30 p.m. and I thought that I shouldn't be wasting tiome going home.. Anyway.. Even if I'm home.. I don't think I'll be able to blog.. Cause my computer.. Is permenantly down.. Sobx.. But my cousin was nice enough to offer to fix it for me.. Although I don't think he'll be able to fix it so soon.. Cause he's busy with his attachment.. But just as long as I don't have to lose any thing inside the computer and get it fixed.. I'll be happy enough.. Futhermore.. Like what my mum say.. It may be something good cuase I'll have more time to concentrate on my studies.. But I'll definitely miss my songs.. So.. The conclusion is.. I probably won't be blogging for this period of time.. It wouldn't be nice to like come over to Suxian's house just to use her computer yah..
Just came back from school.. Stayed back to practice the dance.. Things didn't go very well today.. We had a bit of a drama.. Cause many couldn't stay back.. But it kinda settled down in the end.. And we started practising.. Although we didn't really learn a lot of new steps today.. Just hope that we will do more tomorrow.. So that we'll be ready for the audition next week..
They got back their O'Level Chinese results today too.. Many of them got A1.. So happy for them.. But seriously I'm kinda jealous.. Cause they don't have to like ever touch their Chinese books again until they're in JC.. While I have to force myself to remember every single words in the 8 handbooks although I got my A1 too.. Sigh.. But I chose this path.. So I'm left without a choice.. I can always give it up.. But to achieve 6 points for my L1R5 and to get 2 bonus points.. I guess.. I guess I just have to hang on for a few more months.. Then I can probably not touch any Chinese books for the next 2 years..
I'm feeling really scared.. Examinations are nearing.. And yet I'm still slacking.. Really slacking.. I got loads of homework undone.. And I haven't even started on my revision yet.. Sigh.. I really don't wanna flop my examinations.. I really don't wish to disappoint my mum and myself.. But I just don't seems to be working hard enough.. Sigh.. I needa concentrate.. I really don't wish that he'll think that I'm only taking my studies as an excuse for the break up.. I really don't wish to disappoint him.. But the only way to prevent all these from happening is to come up with concrete prove.. But just look at myself.. What exactly have I even done to make me feel proud of myself.. Not to mention others.. He's trying hard to pick up in school.. But what about me.. Sigh.. I really really needa concentrate.. But isn't it a bit too late to only start concentrating now.. Sigh..
"How are you feeling? Have ya fever gone down? Have you recovered from your cough? Really hope you're feeling better.. Anyway.. Good luck for your exams.. *MuackzZ* Must jia you kayx.. Remember to take care of yourself too.. Don't tire yourself out.. I miss you!"
As Long As Our Hearts Stick Together.. We Never Really Left Each Other..
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9:05 AM
she writes
Thursday, August 12, 2004
I know I said I wouldn't be changing my template so soon.. But I don't knwo what's wrong with my old template.. The picture is gone.. So I don't have a choice.. I don't really like this template as well.. But I really don't have the time to go looking for nicer templates.. So I'm just making the best outta things.. Guess I'll be using this template for the time being until maybe after my O'Level..
6:28 AM
she writes
Wanted to blog yesterday.. But my computer was down.. Don't really know what's wrong with it.. Everytime I on it.. It will shut down by itself after a while.. But after persistant trying.. Everything finally went well.. But now I'm really afraid of shutting it down.. Cause I'm worried that the same problem will occur again.. Sigh.. Wish I was rich by nature.. Then I can buy a new laptop without needing to pester my parents.. I'm already of no help to all their burdens.. Shouldn't add on to their burden.. Sigh.. Guess I just have to be more realistic about things.. After this month.. I should slowly save up.. Then I'll be able to afford a new discman.. And if i'm determined enough.. A new laptop shouldn't be a problem.. HmmM.. Guess I have to give up on the idea of going overseas with Jessica at the end of this year too.. Gotta get a job and hopefully earn enough to pay for all the books and uniforms when I get into JC..
I should start off by sharing what happened on Monday.. Monday was National Day.. Suxian.. Wan Mei and me went to Marina Bay to eat steamboat and watch the fireworks display.. Jessica actually said she could join us to watch the fireworks together after we've eaten.. But her brother was running a high fever.. So she couldn't make it.. We ate quite a lot.. That we all nearly burst.. Then we went off to the bowling center.. I got an ice-cream from there.. And was waiting to pay as I watched the NDP being screened on tv when Suxian and me both saw a small firework display.. We panicked and wanted to rush off.. Then I remembered that I was holding the ice-cream.. So I quickly put it back and the three of us ran at top speed.. Out of the bowling center.. And into the field.. Only to realise that that was just part of the performance.. The three of us followed the crowd and stood by the sea.. I love that place.. It's really really windy over there.. I bet if it wasn't for the crowd there.. Only the sound of the clashing waves could be heard.. The fireworks display was extremely beautiful.. Some were in the pattern of stars and hearts.. And the rest just fell like glittery rain.. When it ended.. Everyone was clapping but complaining that it was too short.. So thinking that it ended.. Everyone started heading back.. But Wan Mei suggested that we should like wait for the crowd to disperse first then we head back.. So we stood there for a while.. And suddenly.. The fireworks started again.. Although it didn't last very long.. But it was still beautiful.. We went back to the bowling center after that to get the ice-creams and drinks that we intended to buy and walked to the MRT station.. It was a rather long walk.. But it wasn't very tiring because the weather is rather cooling and we all thought that it was necessary after such a big dinner.. We took the super long way of the MRT.. So I was supposed to take from the first stop right to the last.. But the ride didn't seems very long.. Maybe I was too occupied in my thoughts.. But I had quite a good laugh before Suxian and Wan Mei got off.. Cause there was this woman who "zhou guang".. Then Suxian keep telling us that we should go inform her.. But I thought it would be really embrassing for her.. So I asked her to forget it.. Then Suxian starting chanting the brand of her undies.. So she went "Yobo! Yobo! Yobo!".. And we all nearly died of laughing..
As for yesterday.. Cause I promised my mum that I'll stay at home.. Wan Mei and Suxian came over to my house to keep me company.. We watched 'Magic Kitchen' and slacked for the rest of the time.. We keep on eating and eating too.. Porridge.. Campbell soup.. Harshbrowns.. Titbits and jelly.. Our mouth just couldn't stop.. Suxian cried after reading some messages from her phone.. It really hurt to see her like that.. But there was almost nothing I could do.. Except sitting by her.. Sigh..
If you're wondering why I'm blogging at this hour.. Cause I'm sick and I didn't go to school.. Didn't feel too good yesterday night.. Was running a temperature and having flu.. So my mum gave me a tablet and chased me to bed.. But I woke up this morning feeling tight in the chest and nauseous although my temperature went down.. So mum allowed me to stay home.. Woke up again at around eleven and started to fix my computer and do a bit of work..
Mum isn't feeling too good these days.. Her legs seems to be hurting a lot.. Sigh.. I'm really really worried.. Please let nothing happen to her.. Please.. I cannot afford to lose her.. I really can't.. If God will allow me to exchange my life with the sufferings.. Pain and sorrows of the people around me.. I will gladly let him take me away.. I just wish everyone to be fine.. I just want everyone to be happy.. Cause everyone of them is just as important to me..
I've been missing him very badly these few days.. And I really hate the feeling.. Everything just refuse to spare me.. Everything just make me think of him..
I am living.. But yet no longer alive.. True happiness no longer runs in me..
"How have you been? I miss you.."
I Wish I Could Laugh From The Deepest Part Of My Heart.. But I Seems To Have Lost The Ability To Do So..
4:57 AM
she writes
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Went to watch the Fireworks Festival at Esplanade with Yong Hwee.. Wen Hao and Jessica yesterday.. Although it was really really crowded.. We got a good view of it.. It was really really beautiful.. But I don't know what happened to me.. I teared while watching it.. I wondered if he was watching it too.. I wondered if he thought it was beautiful.. Maybe we'll never have the chance to watch another fireworks together.. But at least we're watching the same thing..
We saw many familiar faces yesterday too.. We met Suxian and Junqi.. Wei Lun.. Aloysious.. Wei Min and Wai Leong.. Then we meet Tepang.. Si Liang and gang.. And many others..
But I didn't really enjoy myself yesterday.. Cause things just didn't seems to go well for me.. I dropped the bracelet Jessica gave me for my birthday present.. The one that I really really like a lot..
Then.. I learnt from Yong Hwee and Wen Hao that he is smoking.. Why.. It's all my fault that he became like that.. It's all my fault.. It's all my fault he turned to smoking again.. It's all my fault he don't see a meaning of living anymore.. It's all my fault.. Why must I do this to him.. Why must I destroy him like that.. What do I do now.. What can I do.. I wish I could make up for him.. I'll do anything.. Anything except going back to him.. Cause I cannot risk to hurt him again.. I'm willing to go through all the pain for him.. I just want to see the Eng Chee he used to be.. Not the Eng Chee now..
I'm the root to all evil.. I deserve to die..
"Stop hurting yourself.. I caused all your sufferings.. I made you who you are now.. Take a gun and shoot me.. Take a knife and stab me.. Just kill me.. It's much better than making me watch you like that.. It's torturing.."
I Hope You Always Stay The Same.. Cause There's Nothing About You I Would Change..
4:56 AM
she writes
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Haven't been blogging for a couple of days.. Was kinda absorbed in watching the taiwan series.. It's really really nice.. And I finally finish watching.. But it's so sad.. So many people died in the end.. *Sigh*
Nothing much happened on Thursday.. Went library to study.. Finished my Literature and Chinese assignments.. But I bet it was crap.. Cause I wasn't really concentrating when I wrote them..
We had National Day celebration in school on Friday.. It was quite okayx.. Had loads of fun fooling around.. Singing real loud n doing real stupid actions.. But I enjoyed myself.. Then we had community singing competition after the parade.. And the peformance.. HmmM.. I should grade them individually.. The Potatoes were the first group to perform.. And I thought they were really good.. Lame but entertaining.. But Yuhao was definitely sparstic.. Then after that.. We had this performance by a group of girls described as 'heart wrenching and nose bleeding'.. I was telling the rest.. Don't tell me is Jessica Kong.. But when the curtain opened.. It was really her.. And we all screamed.. Our reaction was like so super funny.. Everyone in that performance was wearing white.. And she was the only one dressed in total black.. Bet she wanted to look outstanding.. But she's already very outstanding in size.. Don't need to make such an effort to do such things.. *GrinZ* Then Yeu Ai keep screaming.. 'Black shirt! You rock!' And we all added.. 'Rock the stage!' Hahax.. Physically rock the stage.. Hahax.. Felicia sang.. And I discovered she got a great voice.. But her performance was toally ruined.. Cause there was Jessica Kong in the background.. Spoiler!
After the celebration.. The whole big bunch of us went to meet Nadalala they all to practice for the teacher's day performance.. And we're doing like a couple kinda dance.. So with not enough guys.. And my height as a contributing factor.. I am dancing as one of the guys.. But I thought it is kinda cool to get to try something different.. But I hope that I wouldn't look too bad that way.. Everything went quite fine.. We managed to learn quite a bit.. At least I thought it was quite an achievement with so many of us.. Oh yah.. And I got Charmaine as my dnace partner..
I went swimming with Charmaine.. Nadalala.. Izz and Simm Ynn in the late afternoon.. It was quite fun.. Although we didn't have much to do.. And I got a little darker..
Then went I came home.. I immediately went to bed.. It was about 7:30.. And I slept all the way till this morning 9:00.. It's about 13 to 14 hours of sleep.. Haven't slept for so long for ages.. Feel like a pig..
As for today.. Went to watch 'Si Mian Mai Fu'.. The show really really suck.. But overall.. I did enjoy myself..
I'm going to Esplanade tomorrow to watch the fireworks with Jessica.. Wen Hao.. Yong Hwee.. Edison and Yong Kang.. Feeling kinda excited about it.. Cause it has been a long long long time seen I watched the fireworks.. And it has been ages since I went out with Jessica.. Really miss her.. I feel like hugging her.. Cause I always feel comforted having her by my side..
I feel kinda dead.. Cause I haven't been following my time-table.. I've drawn a time-table for myself.. But I haven't been revising accordingly.. And I haven't touch any of my weekend homework yet.. Really got to work harder for the next few days to make up for all these.. So.. I've decided not to meddle with my blog so much.. I should change the template after my O'Level.. Cause it's really time consuming..
His dad just called to ask if he was at my house.. I tried to call him.. But I didn't manage to reach him.. His line got cut off I guess.. But I guess he's over at Auntie Doris house.. It's like a tradition.. I replied his voicemails with something really really really mean and harsh.. And I bet it hurt him a lot.. Cause it hurt me to have to this to him.. But I really really have no other choice.. Haix.. If he can't let things rest.. We can never be friends..
"Where are you? I'm really really worried about you.. Hope you're fine.. Hope you wouldn't do anything silly.. I'm really really not worth it.. I'm just a heartless bitch.. Forget about me.. Get someone better.. But whatever we'll turn out to be.. Friends or foes.. I'll keep the memories of us in a special place deep within my heart.."
The Image Of You.. May Slowly Fade.. But The Memories Of Us.. Stays With Me..
2:59 PM
she writes
Thursday, August 05, 2004
My Chan is so nice! He actually asked for my handphone number so that he can sms me the timing for my run cause he left the time sheet in the staff room.. My timing is 14:10.. Which I thought was kinda disappointing although it was an A.. I could have done much much better.. If my muscle didn't hurt and I don't have to stop like four to five times along the way.. I could have made it within 12:00 minutes.. *SigH* Shouldn't brood over it anymore.. At least I got an A.. Now all I have to do is achieve all A for the 4 stations and at least a C for my inclined pull up.. Then I'll be able to get a gold.. *GrinZ*
Wai Keong isn't in schoolt today.. And he isn't online either.. Wonder why.. Wonder how is he.. Did he get into trouble? So worried..
I try not to let memories of us cross my mind.. I try not to think of him.. But everyday without fail.. Someone will bound to be there to remind me.. Yesterday was Lionel.. He suddenly asked about us out of a sudden.. Today is my Grandma.. *SigH* Am I cursed or something?
Don't really have the mood to blog today.. Don't have much to say.. But anyway.. I guess I'll be changing my blog's template too.. Hope it turn out wonderful..
"You didn't leave me a voicemail yesterday.. I wonder why.. Hope those things I said yesterday didn't give you another sleepless night.."
I'm Here Without You Baby.. But You're Still With Me In My Dreams.. And Tonight.. There's Only You And Me..
11:52 AM
she writes
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I wish somebody can be here right beside me now.. I can't take it anymore.. I need to hug somebody.. I need to cry.. But there's no one here.. No one..
The pain is like millions of knife stabbing into my heart.. The emptiness is like living but not alive at all..
Can anyone feel exactly how I'm feeling.. Can anyone understand my reasons.. My actions..
I rather I'm dead.. Living this life is no where better than dying.. Let me die..
I hate myself for not treasuring you!
I hate myself for letting you go!
I hate myself for hurting you!
I hate myself for missing you!
I hate myself for loving you!
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!
Set My Soul Free.. Let Me Go..
2:05 PM
she writes
Wanted to blog yesterday.. But time just don't seems to allow.. So.. I'm gonna write everything that happened yesterday and today in this post.. And I guess it's gonna be a kinda long post..
Yesterday was a really cold day.. So I shared my sweater with Suxian.. We sat very close together and wore each sleeve over one of our arms.. So we ended up looking like a monster.. With two heads.. Two pairs of legs.. And a pair of hands which we used to do all our stuffs.. Although occasionally.. We accidentally used our "extra" pair of hands.. But I think it's really cool that we can actually typed a message on my handphone with "our" pair of hands..
Gentry bought me this blue scarf or I should say shaw from Indonesia during his trip there last week to perform the chinese opera.. So sweet right.. I always think it's very sweet of a guy to get girl's stuff like clothes as a gift for girls.. And he also bought this top for Jessica.. That I really don't know how I should describe.. But it sent us both laughing like mad when we saw it.. But afterall.. It's the thought that counts yah..
Anyway.. Something really really weird happened yesterday.. When I was on my way to tuition.. I board the bus and I noticed a few people staring at me.. Then after my tuition.. I past by this coffee shop.. And there were people staring at me again.. Then I bored the bus.. There were people staring at me again.. I was like wondering if there's a hole in my pants or something like that.. But I checked my attire.. And there was nothing wrong.. So I thought I was thinking a little bit too much.. But.. When I accompanied my mum to the coffee shop near my house to get something for my dad to eat.. There were people staring at me again.. And this time round.. Not only I notice.. Even my mum noticed it too.. But till now.. I still cannot figure out what's wrong with me..
As for today.. I ran my 2.4 this morning with 104 and 107.. And I was the 20th that came in.. Those in front on me were all guys except this small tiny girl.. And I actually lost to her.. *Gek!* Mr Chan said I got an A.. But he said he'll only tell me my timing tomorrow cause he forgot..
The police came to our school today.. And they took away Nouvelle and Wai Keong.. Don't really know what's going on.. But heard that they watched people fight or something.. But seriously.. I'm not interested to know what's going on.. But I'm really worried about Wai Keong.. Wonder how he is.. Hope he's okay.. Hope he wouldn't have a record or get punished in school.. As for Nouvelle.. Who cares.. Hope she get a big record and punished by the school.. Serve her right.. =X I know I'm really mean.. But can't blame ya.. I really hate her..
I tried to go offline when I saw him coming online.. But I guess I just wasn't quick enough.. And he messaged me.. Told me about his life now and stuff.. I really don't wish to talk to him.. Cause I know everytime I talk to him.. I have to say something mean and really harsh.. And I really don't wish to do that.. I don't wanna hurt him.. But at this stage.. That's the way I can behave.. Make him go away.. Make him forget me.. Wishing that hopefully.. When things start to settle down.. We can be friends again.. So that I can be there when he needs me.. As a friend.. *Sigh*
"It really hurts when I have to be so mean and harsh to you.. I'm really sorry.. I really wish to ask you everything about your life now.. Know how and what you're doing.. I really wish I can shower you with the care.. Love and concern like I used to.. But.. I'm really sorry.. Sorry.. Sorry to hurt you.. But everytime I hurt you.. I'm hurting myself just as much.. And maybe even more.. Although sorry cannot bring back anything or heal the pain in you.. But.. I'm sorry.."
It's Cruel.. The Way I'm Loving You.. It's Cruel.. The Way I'm Needing You.. But No Longer Can I Choose..
10:39 AM
she writes
Monday, August 02, 2004
I feel so useless! I just wish I could do something right.. I just wish I could make the people around me happy.. I just wish I wouldn't disappoint them.. I just wish I could lighten their burden and load.. But I'm too useless! Just too useless to do anything!
I just wish to help up my dad a bit by bringing Oreo and Ger Ger down.. So he didn't need to do it when he returns home.. But guess what.. I was so useless to do a simple thing like latching Ger Ger properly.. And she ran off.. I ran after her.. As fast as I my legs could carry me.. But I guess I was too useless to run fast enough.. I couldn't catch up with her.. And I nearly caused her death.. I nearly got her knocked down by a car.. I'm so useless! I can't even do a simple thing like that right!
And there are thousands and thousands of other things I am just too useless to do.. I can't juggle my studies.. I can't maintain a relationship.. I can't share my mum's trouble.. I am just too useless to do anything right! I'm too useless!
I feel like a complete useless idiot!
I'm not worth living in this world!
Just leave me alone to die!
I'm useless!
Completely useless!
I feel so helpless!
I hate myself!
USELESS!
"I am so helpless without you.. Where are you?"
How I Wish.. Wish I Had Done A Little Bit More.. Shoulda.. Woulda.. Coulda.. Are The Last Words Of A Fool..
8:42 AM
she writes
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Went to Hwa Chong Jc Carnival with Wan Mei and Suxian.. Didn't have much fun there.. Cause really nothing much.. Sumore the students over there all got the snobbish attitude.. Now.. I'm really wondering if that's really the place for me..
After that.. Went to town.. Walk walk and took pictures.. Then I went to watch 'Ella Enchanted' with him.. It was a really great show! So funny! So sweet! So cute! So nice! After the show.. Wasted some time standing around just like what we did before the movie start.. Cause some people just couldn't decide where to go.. I just hate it when people ask me out not knowing where to go or just expec you to walk around aimlessly with them.. But the worse thing is when you ask them for suggestions.. They just reply "Dunno lehx.." and expect you to decide.. So irritating! So I was so damn pissed off.. I got up the bus when it came.. And came straight home.. Not speaking a word to him.. Maybe he should count himself unlucky.. Cause I'm in a kinda PMS mood.. And I'm really tired.. But this isn't the first time something like that is happening..
When I reach home.. I just felt much better.. As in not so pissed but still very pissed.. Although whenever I'm outside.. I always don't feel like coming home so early.. But that's because I know I wouldn't get much of a chance to go out so often anymore.. It's defiitely not because I don't love my home.. I love my home.. I love everyone in the house.. My Mum and Dad.. Oreo and Ger Ger.. Grandma.. Sister and Grant.. They're the people closest to my heart.. Okay.. Back to the topic.. I got home.. And went into a hardowrking mood.. I bathed Oreo and Ger Ger all by myself.. Now that I'm without him.. And cleaned up my room a bit.. Although it's not like much of a difference.. But the floor.. Is definitely.. Much much much cleaner.. Thanx to myself..
There's so much things to complete this weekend.. So much of homework and revision.. HaiX.. I feel so stressed.. Prelims are nearing.. And yet.. I still feel so unprepared.. I'm really scare.. Really worried.. Oh yah.. And my 2.4 run is on Monday.. So nervous.. Wish me good luck!
"How have you been these few days? How's school? How's work? Hope everything is going well for you.. As for me.. I'm feeling really stressed.. Cause prelims are coming.. I'm worried I wouldn't do well.. Don't wish to disappoint myself.. HaiX.. Anyway.. You must try to sleep early and sleep well every night kayx.. Don't think so much.. Good night.. Swee dreams.. Sleep tight.. I miss you.. Oh yah.. So sorry.. But the answer is still no.."
In My Life There's A Love That I Put Aside.. Cause I Was Busy Loving Something Else.. And So For Every Little Thing That You Hold On To.. You Gotta Let Something Else Go..
2:22 PM
she writes