Tuesday, September 30, 2008
f1's over;like finally.
it was a really torturous 3 days;
though i hafta admit that i had a lotta fun too.
too much details for 3 days to be put into words;
so this is it.
"there were so many moments during these 3 days;
that had me so close to breaking down.
so wish that you were there with me.
or at the least contactable;
for me to rant,
and provide me with some comforting and encouraging words that will get me moving again.
but none;
nothing at all.
all i could do is to look at your face plastered to my wallpaper;
and tell myself that you would want me to be strong.
yesterday,
when i was told that you were coming;
my mind instantly went blank.
was really happy;
but nervous and scared at the same time;
losing all the concentration that i totally needed to survive the rest of my day at work.
no matter how much i hide;
deep down inside i know how much i yearn to see you.
but at the same time so afraid.
yet,
still couldn't help it but feel so upset and disappointed when you didn't turn up in the end.
it seems like i don't know what i want anymore.
or maybe it's not that;
just that i know it's impossible for me to get what i want.
so...
i still miss you;
so much.
i still love you;
so bad."
i don't like complications;
so don't make things confusing for me.
Keep Mum.
1:33 AM
she writes
Thursday, September 25, 2008
woke up in the middle of the last night;endless coughing,
totally outta breath.
for a moment;
i really thought i was gonna die.
:\
i'm starting to learn that -
there are some people in your life,
who will never be replaced;
no matter how much time have past.
"you seems to be doing really well without me.
i'm jealous;
cause i wish i could be doing half as well as you are.
i'm hurt;
cause it shows how un-important i've always been to you.
hope you did well for exams.
and you'll definitely be one of those people in my life;
irreplacable."
gotta pack up all my emotions,
and prepare myself physically and mentally for f1.
at least 16 hours a day for 3 days;
it's gonna be draining for the mind and body.
but tell me about that;
who haven't had a single off day since last thursday,
and will only be having an off day next wednesday.
13 days of non-stop work marathon;
i don't seems to know how tired is spelt anymore.
Reminisce Every Moment.
2:20 AM
she writes
Monday, September 22, 2008
the marriage -that seems to be broken;
to the point of no return.
i don't want anything to happen.
but there's absolutely nothing;
nothing that i can do.
totally helpless.
i'm really really really afraid.
i don't wanna be alone.
i just want someone to be here with me.
but like always,
there's always nobody;
just me with myself.
i feel my entire world;
slowly collapsing.
Crushed.
1:04 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 21, 2008
knowing some things yourself is one thing;but having someone say it to your face is another.
something i learnt from a movie -
sharing the bad moments with someone you love;
make things only half as bad.
sharing the happy moments with some you love;
makes the happiness double up.
"no wonder bad times seems so much less bearable these days,
and i don't feel so happy anymore.
imu;
so bad"
no longer know what to do.
i feel myself heading in the wrong direction all the time.
And The Cries Goes Unheard.
5:26 AM
she writes
Friday, September 19, 2008
as time pass;people eventually starts to forget that you have hurt,
and they ain't aware that you are still hurting.
that's why no matter how hard i try to search,
i still find myself all alone;
having only me with me.
"to me;
you're gradually becoming,
the most familiar stranger."
i just can't seems to get a wink of sleep tonight.
In My Heart.
3:19 AM
she writes
Thursday, September 18, 2008
so i slammed my cupboard door against my baby finger yesterday.and banged into something at work today earning myself another blue-black slightly below my hip.
i assume i'll prolly slipped and fall while working in shang tomorrow then.
it just keeps getting worse.
"if all these misfortunes in my life;
could exchange for your happiness, good health and safety.
i have no complains."
if tears had feelings;
they'll prolly be whining;
about being tired of having to roll down my eyes every now and then.
i'm just unsure of how much further i can go on.
Follow Your Heart.
11:26 PM
she writes
cooked myself macaroni with campbell soup for dinner earlier.
that was the last meal i ever cooked for him.
it was a saturday afternoon;
and he was rushing off from my place to attend his secondary school dinner.
that was also the last time i saw him;
as his girlfriend.
i remember the first time i cooked campbell soup for him.
he had this really contended look on his face;
though i guess it was prolly because he was starving.
but it made me have this extremely sense of satisfaction -
that there were still these little things which i can do to make him happy.
:]
i remember the times we used spend at our hideout.
we used to take turns to get up earlier to cook curry maggie for lunch;
till the point that he started cheating and refusing to wake up,
saying that we'll just eat out instead,
so slowly it became me who got up earlier everytime to cook.
yet he complained about the maggie i cook;
about how i didn't wash the vegetables properly,
and how there were ants in the soup.
but still;
he eventually learn to love the curry maggie i cook.
:]
i remember the times where he drove a great distance;
just to bring me to places where he felt sold good food,
no matter how late it was,
or how much he was clueless of the directions there.
punggol nasi lemak,
hougang sum lou hor fun,
geylang ba chou mee (which i complained so much about just because he didn't tell me it's mee soup!),
and holland village katong laksa (my favourite!).
:]
sweet memories these will always be;
but yet so painful at the same time.
"these memories;
just too painful to bear.
i've tried so hard to stop them from flooding back;
avoiding the places we used to go together,
prevent doing the things we used to go as one,
and exhausting myself to the point that i've nothing left to give.
but ultimately;
even such a small deed of cooking myself dinner,
could bring back so much memories.
i've tried so hard to suppress the urge to wanna see you,
to wanna talk to you;
working the soul outta myself just to shake the thought off,
keeping my phone as far from me as possible,
and refusing to sign in to msn.
but at the end of the day;
i just find myself staring at your photo,
crying and talking at the same time.
till the tears make my eye lids so heavy that they eventually close.
even though i've never ever tried hard enough to pick myself up,
i've tried my best to pretend to be alright;
cause that's just what everyone wants to see.
but all these tryings;
are draining every ounce of energy left in me.
where are you?"
left all alone;
i find myself wandering around outside alone,
more often than not.
i'm just pure silly;
ain't i?
i'm just rambling.
Right Here.
12:42 AM
she writes
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
i don't know what is wrong with me these days.it's either i experience;
headache,
migraine,
or giddiness.
and i keep;
losing my balance,
banging into stuff;
which explains the new blue-black on my right hip in addition to the already existing one on my left,
tripping,
or falling;
which gave me two new blue-blacks on both my knee caps as well as bruises on my elbow and palm today.
am i sick or something?
:[
"bad happenings seems to be occuring around me without fail everyday.
or is it that things have became less bearable without you by my side?
i miss you."
i haven catch a movie in the longest time ever.
:[
Tomorrow Is Just A Step Away.
12:00 AM
she writes
Monday, September 15, 2008
WHY?WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
"it's been 2 months;
yet i'm not a tinny winny bit over you.
but i see traces of me;
slowly disappearing from your life.
i carved your name on my heart;
so deeply.
and i safely kept it in a locket.
do you know how much i wish you were here?
baby..."
i need big hugs;
real badly.
*SCREAMS SCREAMS SCREAMS
Hate This Feeling.
1:50 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 14, 2008
too much unhappiness in just a day alone.if only there's something that i can do for everyone;
to bring back their big sunshine again.
anything;
anything at all.
depressed;
still.
the fringgin migraine is eating into me.
"imu."
Make Things Better.
2:12 AM
she writes
Saturday, September 13, 2008
didn't have the intention to blogbut i guess with this much that i'm containing;
insomia sets in,
and i really needa rant it all out.
this malay lady who used to work at tangs' chanel counter;
lost her husband.
no one is sure if he's dead;
though of course everyone's hoping that he's still alive.
afterall he's still 26 and just a father to his one month old daughter.
but missing admist the sea for 3 days;
we all know the chances.
but whatever it is;
we should all pray for a miracle.
my colleague is now a mistress of a married man with 4 daughters.
she's not directly ruining the marriage of this man;
though indirectly.
the point is;
i can see that she's learning to love this man a lot.
and for him;
she's exposing this side of her that i've never seen.
but this is exactly what is worrying me;
cause we never know where this sorta relationship will lead to.
but that risk she's exposing herself to,
is far far far too much;
it's like jumping into a bottomless pit.
though all she wants;
is just simplicity through all these complexity.
it's always during times like that,
that i wish i could do something for everyone.
anything;
just to take away a little of their pain,
or make them feel a little better.
but nothing;
so helpless.
depressed.
"i...
you...
no longer able to put it into words.
won't you just say something to me?
anything.
anything to take away all these awful emotions.
i miss you."
*SCREAMS
The Countless Tears.
1:15 AM
she writes
Thursday, September 11, 2008
why does every today;hafta become yesterday?
"i really really really wish;
i could go back to the yesterday,
where you were still here with me.
i miss you;
so much."
You.
6:06 PM
she writes
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
the same day last year;i managed to wake up from a nightmare.
the same day this year however;
i'm trapped in yet another nightmare.
surrounded by darkness,
i can't seems to catch a glimpse of light;
that will wake me up from this horrifying dream.
i'm lost.
"my little darling angels;
happy birthday.
i'll be there at the same spot;
to celebrate this special day with you two later tonight.
loves."
UcKyBoI+-(129).jpg)
My Picture Perfect.
12:11 AM
she writes
Monday, September 08, 2008
considering the option of going to melbourne to complete my last year;again.
"i remember 2 years back;
when i told you my mum have the intention of sending me to switzerland after my A's,
you didn't say 'don't go'.
but through your eyes,
i could see how much your heart was yelling out 'don't go!'.
though all you just said was you'll always be here waiting.
i remember a few months back;
when i told you about the option of going to melbourne to complete my last year,
you didn't say 'don't go'.
all you say was 'is it necessary to go?',
and that very moment i knew i didn't wanna go.
cause i don't wanna be there all alone;
without you.
this time round;
will i still be able to see,
the same kinda sadness in your eyes?
will i still be able to feel,
how much you're longing to scream out;
'don't go!'?"
I Try And Try; So Hard.
6:47 PM
she writes
"i wish,
i wish,
i wish.
i'll be able to hear you say;
that you still miss me,
and that you still love me."
i'm so greedy;
am i not?
Don't Wanna Go On; Living All Alone.
1:33 AM
she writes
Sunday, September 07, 2008
so much to say;yet so indescribable.
tried to drown all the emotions with drinks last night,
but i just ended up feeling so much more miserable physically and emotionally;
with the never-ending throw-ups and the even harder crying.
"i no longer know what i should be doing.
tell me;
will you?"
still waiting.
Can't Take Away The Memories.
2:04 PM
she writes
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
to wenli and gary -
"thanks for constantly reminding me that the heavy rain will eventually go away, and that there'll be a real prettay rainbow awaiting me when the dark clouds clears. thanks a lot; really."
but i can feel myself reaching my limit.
i find myself dying for some consolation.
but when i look around;
i realise i'm all alone.
because i'm afraid of bothering people.
because i'm afraid of getting them to hear the same things over and over again.
because i'm afraid of hearing what they hafta say.
because i'm afraid of seeing that disappointed and worried look on their faces when they know that i've yet to "recover".
because i'm so afraid...
thus i chose to pretend,
thus i chose to face it all alone.
but it's getting harder and harder to control the tears and the emotions;
to confine them until i'm well hidden in my room all alone,
late at night when everyone's face alseep.
cause they seems to be surfacing more often than not.
"i can pretend to be so strong in front of everyone;
but at the end of the day.
these lies i can never accept.
because i know how afraid i am;
without you here with me,
i can't find the strength to carry on.
i need your words.
i need your promises.
i need your hugs.
i need your kisses.
i need you.
i'm so afraid;
of everything.
baby...
i'm really afraid..."
i find myself being driven to a corner;
not given an escape route.
yet trying so hard to run away;
because i'm so afraid...
Yesterday.
2:08 AM
she writes
Monday, September 01, 2008
like michelle;i wish i could lose the ability to love someone.
因为像我们这样的爱；
好像对自己太残忍了.
也不知道哪天才会有结果，
也或许这一辈子都不可能让我们等到想要的.
可是自己却还是傻傻的,
努了地试了再试.
不管自己一次又一次;
跌得多重多痛,
还是不肯放弃.
charlene wrote in her blog saying -
'I always knew looking back at the cries would make me laugh,
but i never knew looking back at the laugh would make me cry.'
i truly agree.
cause it has never crossed my mind that sweet memories;
could be yet so painful at the same time.
but now,
i really understand how that feels.
"till now;
i still dare not honestly admit to those who are still unaware -
that it's over between us.
is this what they call,
'refusing to accept the fact'?
or is the hope of a miracle,
far too overwhelming?
yet however,
the occurance of this miracle;
seems to be slipping further and further away from me.
i'm really afraid;
but who can i tell to?
i miss you;
truckloads.
i love you;
so much still."
The Promises; That Were Once Made.
2:23 AM
she writes
to MLBF -
"happy 32 months anniversary my love! may there be many many many more anniversaries to come! i love you so much so much so much! muacks! :]"
"if only,
if only,
if only;
i can still say such things to you."
Denial.
12:00 AM
she writes
