Friday, July 30, 2004
We had emergency evacuation exercise today.. It was so fun.. Cause we get to skip one period of Chinese.. Not only that.. When we were in the field.. Our class was lining up beside 5B.. So.. I got to look at Melvin as much as I want.. He's so cute.. And very lame too.. Cause there was this girl in his class squatting down behind them using her handphone.. Then he went to disturb the girl.. Pestering her to put down.. Then I was standing there.. Looking at him with the amuse look.. Then he looked up.. He saw me and gave a very 'paiseh' face.. So cute~! We also had a very good form of entertainment in the field too.. Nadya was singing and dancing to the William Hung version of 'She Bang' and it was so super funny.. We were all laughing away.. Even this group of secondary 2 boys were all laughing at her.. Then later we got to listen to songs sang by the 'out-of-tune' girls' chior made up of Hui Teng.. Nadya.. Shi Han and Izyanti.. They were singing mostly Britney's songs with their most horrible voice.. And they even sang them so loudly that I was worried we might get scolded by Tiger..
I also got to look at Melvin for quite some time during recess today.. It's always so coincident that the table Nadya they all choose was always in front of him.. He eats so much.. But still so skinny.. I wonder why.. I also noticed that he have a very nice pair of electrifying eyes with double eyelids.. And also very nice eyebrows.. Short and neat.. He's simply so cute.. And irresitable..
I always believed that if we do something.. God will see and note it down or your personal list.. So when you are in need of help.. He'll return you a favour.. And something that happened today proved me right.. There was these two different occasions where I was going to school.. And when it was time get down from the bus.. I saw my school mates still sleeping.. So when I walked past their seats.. I gave them a tap on their shoulder and woke them up.. And today.. On my way home when I unknowingly fell asleep.. So when it was nearing my stop.. I felt this tap on my shoulder.. So I woke up.. And turned.. There was a guy and a girl from Bukit Batok sec sitting behind me.. And the girl told me "Ni de zhan dao le.." Although I can still get down at next two stops.. But I still said thank you to her and I got off.. But till now.. I'm still kinda puzzled.. Cause when I just woke up.. I was feeling kinda blur.. And I didn't really take a good look at both of them.. So I don't know how they actually know that I'm supposed to get down at that stop.. I thought maybe they takes the same bus as me every morning.. But I don't remember seeing the girl very often on the bus every morning although she looks a little familiar.. Then I thought maybe it's the guy who happens to take the same bus as me every morning.. But as I just took a glance of him.. I'm really not sure.. But whoever they might be.. I really appreciate.. "Thanx a lot yah!"
Today during the last period of my Chinese.. Yong Hwee came and sat beside of me before he left his class..
Yong Hwee: "Are you still with him?"
Me: "No.."
Yong Hwee: "Oh.. I heard a lot of rumours about you.."
Me: "Oh.. From who?"
Yong Hwee: "I forgot.. But don't worry.. I trust you.."
And he left.. Actually without asking.. I can already guess who's the one spreading those rumours about me.. But who cares.. As Yong Hwee already said.. They are rumours.. So they are most probably not true.. And I seriously don't give a damn about what others wanna say and think about me.. I mean like.. It's their mouth.. It's their brain.. I can't do anything to stop them.. And their probably clueless about me.. So let them say what they wanna say.. Let them spread for all I care.. The people who really know me wouldn't believe them.. And these are the people who I consider as my friends.. So why worry.. I wouldn't be losing out in any way.. I may even benefit through it by discovering who are my friends.. And although I don't know if I can still trust Yong Hwee's words.. But if he really mean it that he trust me.. I'm really touched.. If he doesn't.. Then like I say.. Let it be..
I didn't miss him so much in school today.. Is that considered an achievement.. But when I came home.. And saw those soft toys he bought.. *Sigh*
"To the question you left in the voicemail.. The answer is no.. I'm sorry.."
Once In A Life Time.. You Find Your Reason For Leaving.. You Find The One Who Makes Your Every Dream Come True.. If I Could Search The World Forever.. No One Else Would Do.. Cause Once In A Life Time.. I Find Someone Like You..
12:06 PM
she writes
Thursday, July 29, 2004
I give up on doing my A maths revision exercise! It's such a simple exercise.. And yet I keep making mistakes in the workings and calculations.. So irritating! I have to keep re-doing and re-doing the same questions over and over again.. Argh!
Went to the gym with Suxian today.. I ran quite a bit and perspired so much even though the room was air-conditioned.. But the feeling of exercising is definitely great! I also did some sit ups and lifted some weights.. Now my shoulders are kinda aching..
On my way home from tuition.. I saw this really familiar face sitting at the bus stop at my house.. He was waiting for me to give me a box of Royce chocolate.. Thought it was really silly of him.. Cause he waited like for almost 45 minutes.. But it was really really really sweet of him.. And I really appreciate it.. So I should say.. "Thanx a million!" Cause he is always the one who I cried to.. He is always the one with me when I need someone by my side.. So without him.. I guess I wouldn't have been able to survive through this week.. The most difficult moments of my life..
Suxian is back with Jun Qi again.. Feel so happy for her.. I get to be greeted with her beautiful eyes and cheerful smile every morning again.. But I really really hope she wouldn't be making a wrong choice this time.. And hope that after this.. They both learnt how important they really are to one another..
Jun Qi wasn't very happy today that I asked Suxian to the gym.. Feel so super guilty.. This is always the case.. Everytime I asked Suxian out.. Jun Qi will just happen to call and say he wanna meet her.. So in the end.. I always cause them to quarrel and cause Jun Qi to be really unhappy.. I bet he hates me.. So.. I think it's time for me to stop occupying so much of Suxian's time.. Shouldn't ask her out unnecessarily or ask her to keep me company that often anymore.. Should let them two have more time with each other.. Cause I really don't want her to through the same ordeal as what I am now.. It always feels good to have the one you love with you.. So now.. I guess I just have to learn to seek companionship in something else.. Books will be good.. I guess it's high time I start preparing for my examinations too..
"How are you doing today? How is school? Have you started your CCA? What CCA did you choose anyway? Hmmm.. Think you're working today.. Hope everything went great for you at work.. Life is okay for me.. I am doing okay in school.. Absorbing well.. And I seems to be handling things better than last week.. At least I'm not crying that much anymore.. But it's hard not to notice things are kinda different without you with me.. I miss you so much.. *Sobx*"
The Nights Without Stars.. The Seas Without Waves.. The Beach Without Sand.. Is Just Like.. Me Without You..
1:49 PM
she writes
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Just finished my Chemistry ISP 5.. Feel so slack.. Cause that was the only thing I completed today.. HaiX.. I wonder when will I start pulling up my socks and really really work hard..
Today was a kinda tiring day for me.. School ended at two today.. Then Suxian and me went to the canteen to have our lunch.. Then I rushed off for my Physics remedial and she went off to meet Wan Mei.. Physics remedial was quite a torture.. It was so boring.. And so long.. I only got dismissed at 4:15.. To make things worse.. The weather was like so cooling.. That best kind of weather to be sleeping.. But I must admit.. I did manage to learn something today.. After the remedial.. I decided to skip tuition.. I felt really guilty.. Prelims are just like round the corner.. And yet.. I'm skipping tuition.. And by doing this.. I'm also wasting my mum's hard earn money.. But I know I'm definitely going to fall asleep over there.. Probably because I haven't been sleeping well these few nights.. I seems to be easily awaken by a little small noise.. And I have consecutively woke up late for two mornings.. This is just so not me..
So in the situation where I cannot head back for home.. Cause I cannot let my mum know that I did't go for tuition.. I went to Suxian's house to slack.. Wan Mei was there too.. They baked brownies and made jelly that were really really nice.. And I ate a lot.. I bet I gain like a kilo more after eating all that.. We had a lot of fun there.. We helped Wan Mei edited and improved her blog.. It's like so much nicer now.. And we also invented a new dance.. The 'shen tai' dance.. A kinda dance where you can only perform in front of a 'shen tai'.. Wan Mei is the lead dancer.. Suxian and me are the background dancers.. Sounds really lame huh.. But we had a super good laugh because of that..
After I left Suxian's house.. My sis called me and asked me to join them for dinner at Sakae Sushi at Westmall for dinner.. So I went over.. But I only managed to eat a little.. All thanx to the brownies and jelly that Suxian and Wan Mei made.. But I didn't have much of an appetite either..
Everytime I hear people mentioning his name.. Everytime I see something that reminds me of him.. Everytime the memories of us flood back.. I can't help but to freeze.. To feel my heart aching deep from within.. To have tears welling in the corner of my eyes.. It has already been more than a week since we broke up.. But his prensence still lingers around in my room.. Everything around my small personal space seems to remind me of him.. And till now.. I still haven't pluck up the courage to look through our possessions.. The photo album.. Our exchange diaries.. The movie tickets' box.. I really want to recollect the memories that we once shared.. But I'm really afraid I'll break down..
Since the day I start my new life without him.. This knot has tangled itself inside me.. I wonder how long am I gonna take to untangle it.. And who will be the one who will completely untangle it..
"How's school? Did you go for work today? Have you made any more new friends? How's your cough? Did it get a little better? You know.. I'm really really worried about you.. Hope you're juggling your studies and work well.. Hope you didn't tired yourself out.. Hope you haven't been skipping your meals.. Hope you gain a little more weight.. You really really have to take care of yourself well and have lots of rest yah.. Sleep early every night kayX? I don't wish to spend money to visit you in China's Zoo.. Promise you'll take care of yourself kayX? Good night.. Must remember to cover ya blanket tight tight tonight kayX? I got a feeling it's gonna rain through the night.. Sweet dreams.. I miss you.. A lot.."
Cause I'm Broken.. When I'm Lonesome.. And I Don't Feel Right When You're Gone Away.. You've Gone Away.. You Don't Feel me.. Anymore..
1:53 PM
she writes
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
I finally told my mum about it.. I feel a little burden relieved off me.. But not the hurt and the pain.. She is really upset by it.. She cried with me.. But she is kinda nice about the whole thing.. She just told me off a little.. And told me that I was no longer entitled to have another boyfriend.. Until like when I'm in University.. But I wasn't at all upset about it.. Cause I believe the thought of getting into another relationship will never cross my mind again.. At least not for now.. Or the near future..
There was something that she said that made me make up my mind never to turn back again.. She said something like.. "Since you choose to let it go now.. Don't go dig it up again when he managed to settle down with someone else.. Things wouldn't have turned out this way if you managed to completely let go when he was with Charmaine the other time.. At least at that time.. The hurt for him at that time wouldn't have been so painful like now.. With Charmaine around.." Then.. I realised.. How selfish I was.. When I myself was the one who chose to let go.. But when I saw him with someone else.. I wanted him back.. How could I do something so despicable like that.. Furthermore.. Love is not about possession.. But seeing the person you really love happy.. So if he really managed to get someone else this time.. I promise.. No matter how hurt I feel within.. I'll never turn back again.. But just give them all my blessings..
Nothing much happened in school today.. P.E. was especially fun as usual.. We played Touch Ruby.. And I'm injured with a scratch match on my waist.. Which was probably the result of someone with long finger nails trying to tackle me.. And I got a feeling that I'm gonna fail my Chemistry common test really really badly.. Oh yah.. I also had a little arguement with Mrs Chiu today.. I really didn't mean to like show her attitude.. But I mean why must she make a big fuss about such a small thing like mistakenly collecting 401's time practice worksheets.. She can just like collect it back from the class as only a few sheets of it have been distributed.. What's with the "how-can-you-stupid-people-take-the-worksheets-meant-for-my-precious-401" tone.. What's with the decision of making the end classes like our class and 407 do exercises from the ten-year series while the other classes get to practice on exam papers and other worksheets.. I thought they always tell us that end classes like us can just do as well as 401 and 402.. Then why are we treated like so unfairly.. This is equivalent to destroying our morale with bare hands.. Yah.. Back to topic.. So when she confronted us of not having our ten year series with us.. I just spat at her that we were not told to bring.. Then she said that she'll print if for us but we'll have to wait until 1:50 because she have a lesson until 1:40.. So I gave her the super duper 'bu shuang' look.. Why do we have to wait and get to go home late when nobody informed us about bringing of the ten year series just because they think that we are not up to the standard of doing the worksheets that the other classes are doing.. She read my expression.. And asked me if there was a problem.. I simply answer "Yes.. Why must we wait..".. So she got fed up and gave us a revision exercise from the textbook.. She even commented that our class.. But obviously directly directing at me that I was insensitive.. But who cares.. I don't really give a damn about how she feels about me.. But I felt so 'gek' that I didn't get to rub in that "You know.. Our time is just as precious as yours..".. Cause she told us during lesson time that her time is very precious to her.. And we should stop wasting her time.. Whatever.. Who cares about an old hag who is expressionless even she is telling a joke..
Suxian didn't look very good today.. She came to school with super puffy eyes and the bubbly smile was missing from her face.. But she managed to like hold back her tears all the way until time practice.. It really hurt me seeing her like that.. Cause I know the pain she feels within.. We're sort of like in the same boat although not a completely similar situation.. I wished I could do something for her.. Like comfort her or something.. But nothing comforting seems to come out from my mouth.. Maybe because I myself needs the comfort of somebody.. I feel so useless.. All I can do is to sit there.. Watch her cry.. Hug her and provide her with tissues.. I really wish I can do something.. Do something to let her keep her mind off the sadness.. Although I know there's no way I and maybe everybody else can make her feel better.. But I just wish that I could be of help.. *Sigh*
I went to IMM with my mum and Grant to help my mum up with her shopping after school today.. Life seems really really different without him.. All my time now seems to be either spent on my studies or with my friends and family.. I miss the times when we ate lunch together.. That is when I told him about my day and the gossips that I've heard.. I miss the times when I got a shoulder to lie on on the bus ride home.. Maybe with that I wouldn't have bang my head against the window so loud when I fell asleep on the bus today.. I miss the nights when we went shopping for supper at IMM.. And the return trip back home when he put me in the trolley and pushed me back.. I miss the way back home from Westmall after a mid-night show.. Cause he always piggy-back me home cause I was too tired to walk.. I miss hearing him call me nonsense.. I miss the forgiving look on his face everytime I disturbed him from his sleep.. I miss looking into his brown eyes.. I miss him telling me very excitedly that he've saved enough money to bring me for a shopping spree.. I miss his cold jokes.. I miss his childish attitudes.. I miss his hugs.. I miss his voice.. I miss his presence.. I miss him.. A lot..
"How are you today? Hope you are not late for school today.. Bet you didn't sleep much last night.. How's school? How's work? Hope everything went fine for you.. My day went fine.. School was like everyday.. Just that I argued a little with Mrs Chiu today.. I bet you gonna say "You horx.. Nonsense.." if i told you what happened.. But.. Guess I'll never be able to hear that again.. Anyway.. Hope you can sleep well tonight.. And tomorrow will be a better day for you.. Good night.. Cover ya blanket tight kayx.. Sweet dreams.. Miss ya.."
We Once Thought That We Could Hold Each Other's Hands Till We Both Grow Old.. But Now We Know.. It Was Just Our Naive Thinking..
1:20 PM
she writes
Monday, July 26, 2004
Nothing much happened today.. Woke up at 10:30.. Went to pass Suxian his stuff for her to pass it to him.. Cause I really don't wish to see him.. But I feel bad for putting Suxian in a spot..
"Really sorry Xian.. And thanx a lot for doing me this favour.. *Hugx*"..
After that.. Went to my granny house.. And left early from there for tuition.. But when I reached there.. I realised there was no tuition today.. I forgot to check the list.. How blur can I get.. So it was a wasted trip..
So here am I.. Blogging.. And wondering how am I to break the news to my mum.. *SigH* I really wish to tell her.. But how.. I don't know how to start.. I don't know how to make her understand my reasons.. But I really want her to know.. HaiX.. Maybe I should write her a letter.. And leave it by her bed sidde before I leave for school tomorrow.. So weird.. She's my mum.. Yet I cannot bring myself to tell her.. But I'm not a vocal person.. I can express myself better on words..
"Sorry about the arrangements I made today.. But I really cannot bring myself to see you.. Anyway.. Hope you have a great day at work today.. Remember to go home early after work and have an early night kayX.. You have to attend school tomorrow.. Take care.. Hope tomorrow will be a better day for ya.."
I'm Not A Perfect Person.. There's Many Things I Wished I Didn't Do.. But I Continue Learning.. I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You..
9:22 AM
she writes
Sunday, July 25, 2004
I just quarrelled with him.. How great.. We can still quarrel when we got nothing to do with each other anymore.. Cool huh.. So now we're not even friends.. Whatever.. I don't care.. Let him do whatever he wants to do.. I seriously don't care.. He pisses me off..
Whatever!
Thought we could at least like still remain friends.. But if he really wanna think of me and the whole situation his own way.. Be it! I don't give a damn! Whatever! I got what I want anyway.. Why should I still care about anything else..
Whatever!
Had a great day today before something like that happened.. Went for the 'Woman In Black' play today.. Quite a great play.. But scary.. Suxian and me just keep screaming.. After the play.. We had the traditional photo taking session.. And headed for dinner at Swensens..
After dinner.. Suxian and me broke off from the gang.. And went to Far East to look for dear Jessica.. Cause she left us when we are at Hereen.. For whatever reasons.. I shouldn't state.. We went to take neo prints.. Then went to Long John Silver for Jessica to have her dinner.. That's when like the whole photo-taking frenzy really started.. We started like taking lame photos.. Everywhere.. Even in the streets of Orchard Road where so many pairs of eyes were looking at us.. So dumb! But it was really really fun.. Cause you don't really get a chance to be so bold to do such stuff.. But the pictures were really really dumb..
"Nothing to say to you today.. So damn pissed off.. But still.. I can't help worrying a little about you.. Where you now? What you doing? Are you safely at home already?"
I'm Sorry That I Hurt You.. It's Something I Must Make With Everyday.. I Know The Pain I Put You Through.. I Wish That I Could Take It All Away.. And Be The One Who Catches All Your Tears..
2:59 PM
she writes
A failing attempt by Suxian to make her eyes bigger..
1:41 AM
she writes
Dinner at Swensens..
1:41 AM
she writes
Puffy cheeks..
1:41 AM
she writes
Suxian's thirsty leg..
1:41 AM
she writes
Jessica's yummy leg..
1:40 AM
she writes
Star!
1:40 AM
she writes
The reward for our kind donations..
1:40 AM
she writes
My act cute leg!
1:40 AM
she writes
Jessica peeping down at the naked Suxian!
1:40 AM
she writes
Suxian is hungry!
1:39 AM
she writes
Tickle Tickle! Hope ya bra drops off!
1:39 AM
she writes
I'm hungry too!
1:39 AM
she writes
Mini one! It's a pun!
1:39 AM
she writes
Butts.. Butts.. And more butts..
1:38 AM
she writes
Cutie pie Xian!
1:38 AM
she writes
The ancient girl fighter!
1:37 AM
she writes
Jessica's coconut head!
1:28 AM
she writes
Sentimental kiss~
1:28 AM
she writes
Saturday, July 24, 2004
We just talked on the phone.. So happy.. (o^^o) I got to talk to him.. He seems to be fine.. Doing well in both studies and work.. And he seems to be handling this whole break up thing fine.. Better than I am.. Feel so happy for him.. Hope we really can be good friends..
My heart kinda ache just now.. When I see him like taking everything so fine.. But.. I guess I shouldn't be so contradicting.. Just as long as he's doing fine.. I shall be happy for him.. He alsol said he'll wait for me.. But I told him to stop wasting his time.. Cause after my O'Level I'll be going to JC.. And I'll probably be even busier then.. So I told him it's no point.. So he ask if my heart ache about the whole thing.. And I simply replied.. "Not at all.." But deep down.. Only I myself feel the pain..
Whatever.. Don't wish to be thinking too much now.. Guess time will eventually heal our hearts..
But at least now I know.. We'll officially over.. *SobX*
Today was a great day.. Only had three periods of actual lessons.. And I slept through like two of them.. Then was recess.. And Chinese we had free periods.. Cause Rainbow disappeared.. And we were dismissed after that..
Met Suxian at one.. Although I was kinda late.. Again.. But it wasn't my fault.. The frequency of 188 is like so super slow.. We went to Lot 1 so that Suxian could try out the Billabong tube.. And then head for town.. We saw like so many familiar faces at town today.. Jie Ying.. Sarah.. Liling.. Jolyn.. Wei Sheng.. Lynn.. Benjamin.. Sheryl.. Kai Yin.. Jun Hao.. And a few ex bpians.. What a small world..
The first three hours in town was like a complete waste of time.. We walked all over the whole orchard and still found nothing.. By about six.. Both of us were still empty handed.. Fortunately.. We met Lynn and Wei Sheng again.. And she kinda like become our fashion coordinator.. Telling us what kinda clothes we should wear and where we could get them.. So with her help.. Suxian managed to get her skirt at Hula & Co. at Far East.. By the time it was already seven.. So we left Far East and head for Wisma in search of my clothes.. And I managed to get this skirt which cost $50 from Fond Hugs.. And this top at Toss for $23.. By then.. It was already 8:30.. So me and Suxian rushed like mad.. To try to get back to Lot 1 so that Suxian can buy the Billabong tube before the shop closes.. We were like running in the streets of Orchard Road.. When we got off bus 190 at Cck Interchange.. We ran all the way into Lot 1.. And by the time we reached the shop.. The both of us were panting.. The shopkeeper even asked us if there was anyone chasing after us.. After Suxian got her top.. We quickly ran down toFond Hugs to check out the shoes.. But Suxian ended up deciding that she should get them only tomorrow.. So we headed for Long John Silver.. And ate our dinner.. Also my first meal of the day..
Having Physics remedial tomorrow.. But don't know if I should go.. Cause kinda lazy.. And Wan Mei also asked me and Suxian to accompany her to watch the C Boy's match tomorrow.. So what is it now.. But I doubt that I'll go for lesson even if I didn't go to watch the match.. But now.. I think.. Even if I don't go to school.. I won't be able to go for the match too.. My mum just scolded me for not revising my work.. Whatever.. Who cares about her..
"I thought I wouldn't be thinking of you so much today.. But guess I was wrong.. I just couldn't help but to think of you.. I remembered the times we used to hold hands and walk down the streets of Orchard.. The times when I saw something nice and pester you to buy it for me.. And when I was trying out the clothes.. I really wished that you were there to tell me that I look great in them.. Guess my life is gonna be so different.. So different without you.. I really miss you.."
Can We Go Back To The Days That Love Was Strong.. Can You Tell Me How Our Perfect Love Goes Wrong.. Can Somebody Tell Me How To Get Things Back The Way They Used To Be.. OH God Give Me The Reason.. I'm Down On Bended Knees..
2:59 PM
she writes
Friday, July 23, 2004
"Hey.. What ya doing now? Sleeping? Where are you now? Outside? Eaten dinner? I feel like talking to someone.. But I don't know who I can turn to.. Jessica is not online.. Suxian.. Don't wanna bother her.. She got her own problems too.. And I can't seems to confide in anyone else.. So I came here to fan you.. Hope you don't find me a nuisance.. My heart is aching so much.. Cause I'm missing you.. I'm wondering where are you.. I'm wondering what you are doing.. I'm wondering what you're wondering.. Tears are welling up in my eyes again.. Tell me how I can forget you.. Anyway.. Suxian sent me a really nice song.. 'Never be replaced'.. And I'm listening to it now.. HmmM.. Guess I should stop bothering you.. You need an early rest.. You gotta work and study tomorrow.. Take care ya.. Sleep early and cover ya blanket tight.. Sweetest dream.. Nitey.."
But If The Day Come That I'll Have To Let You Go.. I Think There Is Something I Should Probably Let You Know.. With Everything That I Spent With You.. Then I Will Miss You.. Cause I'm Happy That I Have You At All..
2:28 PM
she writes
Actually thought of going to Suxian's house today after school to help Wan Mei do her blog stuff.. But on our way out of school.. We met Uncle Roy.. And he jokingly said that if we go watch The C Boy's match.. He'll treat us to lunch.. So we said okay and insisted that he cannot take back his words.. So off we went.. With the C Boys.. To Clementi Sports Hall.. It've been ages since I went there to watch a match too..
Our C Boys played against Swiss Cottage today.. And they won.. 64-48 I think.. Not very sure.. But around there.. So now they're in the top four.. Together with Unity.. River Vally and Jurong.. Hope they get like first or second in West Zone..
After the match.. Uncle Roy kept to his words and treated us to lunch at KFC.. Then we went separate ways cause Wan Mei and Suxian both shared a cab with Uncle Roy to go back to school.. Which is like much faster than they took bus from Clementi I guess.. So I'm left all alone to go home..
When I stepped out of the building where the KFC is.. I saw a big sign that says 'Pizza Hut.. Coming soon..' And I just froze.. I stood there for a moment.. Staring at the sign.. Wondering if he was inside.. An urge overwhelmed me.. An urge to walk towards the restuarant to check out if he was inside.. I don't know what exactly was I thinking at that point of time.. All I know is.. I wanted to see him very much.. But I got a hold of myself.. And forced myself to walk on.. So I continued heading to the bus stop.. When I reached the bus stop.. I see so many couples holding hands walking past me.. Many were from ITE.. And I can't help but wonder.. "Will I see a sight like that in the near future.. His hands clutching the hands of another girl tightly.." And tears began to well up in my eyes again..
All I know is.. I need to run.. Run away from everything.. So I went running again.. Not at the usual place.. Cause it was kinda late to go there.. And he accompanied me again.. But I didn't really run a lot today.. Didn't really like the track there..
I keep crying today.. And everyone keep telling me not to cry.. I really wish I could tell them just let me be.. Just let me cry my heart out.. I just need them to sit quietly with me.. And let me cry.. But I really appreciate the care and concern.. And everything they did.. "Thanx a lot guys.. Love ya loads.."
Whenever I missed him.. I just have to shut my eyes.. And feel the silence around me.. There I'll see.. The memories of us.. From the first day we met.. The first time he waved to me.. The first movie we watched.. The first time we went West Coast.. Then tears will well up in my eyes again.. And the image of us just fades away..
People say memories is one of the most beautiful things someone can have.. People say memories is something that one keeps forever.. People say memories cannot be taken away by anybody.. But though my memories is one of the most beautiful things I possess.. But also one of the most painful thing I possess.. And since memories cannot be taken away.. This pain will follow me no matter where I go..
He called me just now.. But I didn't pick up.. I didn't want to give him hope again.. I just want to make him think that I'm heartless.. That I've forgotten him.. That I'm much much happier without him.. That I don't love him anymore.. Just hope that all these will build up the hate of me in him.. And make him get over it faster.. I didn't want to hear the hurt in his voice as well.. Cause it stabs my heart..
Although I really wants to talk to him very much.. But I know I can't.. Cause I just can't destroy the the hatred of me or the idea of giving up in him.. I want to get it over.. Once and for all.. So I'm just gonna write everything I wanna say to him at the end of each blog everyday.. Till the day I got nothing to say to him anymore.. I guess it's gonna be boring.. So you guys can just leave out the last paragraph of my blog each day if you don't wanna waste your time.. But people.. Please.. Promise me none of these will get to him kayx.. Please..
"How have you been these few days? Was school fun? Did you hear any more cold jokes? Have you started your CCA yet? Have you been late for school these few days? Did you remember to eat breakfast before you go to school? How did the training go today? Did you make any new friends? Are they nice people? Did you get to eat pizza for lunch? Does your injection still hurt? Is the training very tiring? Or was it fun? Don't tired yourself out kayX? Remember to take care of yourself well.. Remember to eat ya breakfast.. Dinner and lunch.. And remember to sleep early.. Don't always go home so late or play online games till late in the night.. But also must remember not to neglect ya studies kayx? Must be constantly revising and do ya homework everyday.. And don't you ever dare to skip school because of work.. Anyway.. I didn't really have a very good day in school today.. But I'm dismissing early tomorrow.. At 10:40.. And after that I'm going shopping.. For clothes to wear to the play this saturday.. Anyway.. You have a good rest kayx? Hope tomorrow will be a better day for ya.. Good night.. Sleep tight.. Sweet dreams.. Take care.. I miss you.."
I Wish I Am An Angel.. Then I Can Wipe Off Every Tear That Fell From Your Eyes.. And Heal The Broken Heart Deep Inside.. Watch Over You Day And Night.. And Pray That You'll Always Be Alright..
12:36 PM
she writes
He left me a voicemail yesterday.. I kept thinking and thinking how to reply to everything he said this morning.. And again.. I chose to do it the hard way.. I chose to pretend that I'm just as fine as I always am.. And I'm even happier.. I just wanted him to feel that I'm heartless.. Maybe that will help him forget about everything easier..
*Sigh* I keep crying today.. I just can't control.. I just can't help it.. I hate myself.. Guess I need to learn to exercise a lot of self-control.. Especially my own emotions..
Anyway.. If you're wondering why I'm blogging at this time.. It's because I'm in the school's computer lab for English again.. Doing the same PURSUE exercises.. Suzie rox! Only for these two days.. Cause she gave everyone the time to do their own stuff online..
The Stars Don't Seems To Twinkle The Same Way Like They Used To Anymore.. My Eyes Don't Seems To Sparkle With Happiness Like The Way They Did When I'm With You..
3:57 AM
she writes
Thursday, July 22, 2004
My 2.4 run is on this Friday.. That's like the day after tomorrow.. *Sigh* Hope I do well.. Cause it's like my stamina has kinda deproved.. So.. To make sure I do well this Friday.. I went for a run just now.. It feels great to have the wind blowing against my face..
I am so selfish.. I promised to control my emotions.. But I always allow myself to show everything in fron of him.. I've been crying to him on the phone for two nights.. And today.. While I was resting after the run.. I cried.. I tried so hard to control.. But I just couldn't help it.. And I think he was like kinda shocked.. And he didn't really know what to do.. But anyway.. He drew something on the ground and kept on cracking jokes and stuff in an attempt to cheer me up.. Althoug it didn't really help.. But I must say.. "Thanx a lot! I really apreciate everything you've done! But I'm just overwhelmed by too much sadness that I seems to has lost the ability to smile.. Sorry.."
It has been three days since I last heard his voice.. And it has been like an entire day since I he contacted me.. But he did call last night.. Around one.. But I was already asleep..
Without him.. Everything around me seems to be completely silent.. And whenever I'm alone.. That's when I really really miss you.. So I am beginning to look forward to school.. Where memories of us lingers in my mind lesser den usual.. Cause there is where I'm surrounded by laughter and noise.. There is where I keep myself busy with all the work and stuff..
I remembered reading through a post in Yaohui's blog.. Which I just can't seems to forget.. He wrote something like "Ill try to delete a message everyday when I didn't think of you.. But I guess I'll just end up deleting nothing.." I thought that was a rather great idea.. I thought I could adopt an idea like that.. But after thinking over.. I realised it was only a way that he cheats himself.. Cause if he really completely didn't think of Carol that day.. He wouldn't even remember the messages she sent..
I really wish your friends called me a bitch and told you everything bad about me.. I really wish your time in school was just as fine as mine.. I really wished Auntie Doris comforted you.. I really wish her sons introduced you loads of girls.. I really wish that everything goes well for your first day of work tomorrow.. I really wish that you'll take good care of yourself.. I really wish you'll study hard.. I really wish you'll make loads of new friends at work as well as in school.. I really wish you'll find someone else who loves you much more than I do.. I really wish you'll forget me..
May The Wind Brings Away My Tears.. And Each Passing Day Heals The Broken Heart That Loves You So Dear..
10:36 AM
she writes
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
He messaged me at ten plus yesterday.. And like I've expected.. He pretended that nothing happened.. So I came online.. And we began talking online.. About the same topic.. Although he was very unwilling to talk about it.. He kept trying to avoid.. But I insisted.. And he was left with no choice.. We kinda quarrelled.. And he stopped replying me.. So before I went offline.. I told him that I am determine about it this time..
But is that really true.. Am I really so determined this time.. *Weak smile* I really don't know.. I seems to have said and decided everything out of a moment of thoughts.. And I seems to be regretting it now.. But after asking myself over and over again.. What if I regret again after I told him I didn't mean everything that I say.. Then I'll have to hurt him again.. And I really don't wish to do that.. I rather I hurt him once and for all this time.. Let him hate me for life.. Than to hurt him over and over again.. Just because I'm indecisive and fickled-minded.. I rather I leave myself to regret.. Then to hinder his life and waste his time again..
So.. No matter what.. I'm gonna be firm on my stand this time.. Nothing is gonna stop me.. All I need is time..
But now.. I don't even know what exactly is happening now.. Are we like officially over.. Has he really given up.. Or is he considering over it..
I must admit that I have been missing him a lot these two days.. Probably because memories keep flashing back in my mind.. I was looking at my handphone more often than usual yesterday.. Not waiting for anyone else calls or messages.. But his.. And everything around me just seems to remind me of him today.. Especially the rain.. I remember.. Whenever it rains.. And we're walking together.. He'll always use his hands to cover over my head.. It's not as if it helps.. But I really appreciate it.. Maybe this is exactly what people mean.. You'll only learn to really appreciate and treasure someone or something when you lose it.. And this is exavaly how I'm feeling..
And I guess I was right to say that life is gonna be so different without him.. Even walking doesn't feel the same anymore.. I don't myself stepping hard on the floor anymore.. Instead.. I seems to be floating.. Nothing seems real to me anymore..
But I guess things will be much easier to handle if I kept on telling myself.. "Look.. You have been doing well without him in most part of your life for the past six months.. You can do exactly the same now too.. Just take it as if the he's away.. Away to be busy with his own life.. A better life without you..
*Sigh* I need to talk to someone.. I need a shoulder to cry on.. I'm so tired of acting tough.. Pretending that nothing had happened.. But deep down.. I feel my heart aching.. Breaking.. But guess I must learn to not be so selfish.. How can I let my emotions affect the people around me.. When all I want is everyone around me to be happy.. Even if it's at the expanse of my own happiness.. One smile in exchange of millions.. It's worth it..
Anyway.. I didn't go to school today.. Not in the mood for school today.. So I fake sick this morning.. And I managed to make it through.. HahaX.. But when I woke up at around ten plus.. My head really hurt like hell.. And my gastric didn't spare me either.. HahaX.. But I guess this is what they call retribution.. I'm punished for lying.. But I broke the record of not absenting myself from school.. Thought I can like at least keep the record for a month or two.. And I actually bought Durian cakes to share with everyone today.. But guess I can keep it for tomorrow.. HahaX..
Guess I should stop here.. Need to babysit Grant for a while.. Then pack up all my emotions and prepare to start work.. Got to try to finish all the uncompleted assignments and study for my Chinese test this Thursday..
I Don't Mind Spending Everyday.. Sitting Under The Pouring Rain.. Recollecting The Past Memories.. Of You And Me..
6:48 AM
she writes
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
I have been doing quite a bit of reflection of myself since yesterday night.. And I realised.. I have like absolutely no reason to like blame Carol for breaking off with Yao Hui.. Cause I myself am doing something as mean as her.. And I bet she had better reasons than I do..
I brought it up last night.. Not face to face.. Not even through the phone.. But SMS.. And of course.. He didn't agree to it.. And I said that he was selfish.. Selfish to tie me down when I really wanted to leave.. After that he stopped replying my messages.. I bet he went into the "refusing-to-face-the-facts" self.. And after like a day or so.. He'll just start to message me again as if nothing happened.. That always happens when I bring it up.. So.. I ended the whole session with a message telling him that love is not about possession.. It's about seeing the one you love happy.. And if really wish that I will be happy.. Set me free.. But again.. I doubt.. Anything went into him.. Cause all was silent.. No reply..
Seriously.. I don't understand what's the point of carrying on.. We're so busy with our own lives now that we hardly even have the time for each other.. Even if we have the intention or make an effort to squeeze up some time for each other.. Time just wouldn't allow.. Especially for my side.. I'm so crooped up with all the tests.. Homework and revisions.. And the fact that prelims and O'Level are just like around the corner just stressed me up.. Maybe it's just an excuse.. An excuse to exchange for freedom.. I myself am not sure about it.. But so what.. I just know I'm crumbling.. I can't take it anymore.. So why can't he just let go.. And we can go our own separate ways and stop wasting time.. He can get someone that would probably treat him better than I do.. And I can just concentrate of achieving my aims..
I've been trying to act calm about the whole situation.. Pretended that I didn't give a damn.. Pretended that I don't care.. It's just a break up.. Nothing big.. But deep down inside.. I'm really confused.. I never ever gave a thought of what life will be without him.. Although it's not as if that my life now consist of him.. But I guess it just wouldn't feel the same living a life with him and without him at the same time.. And living a life completely without him.. But I guess it's time I learn to grow up.. It's time I stop relying on someone else and learn to stand on my own feet.. What are the pair of long legs for.. And it's also time I prove to everyone that I can survive on my own.. Contradicting.. But yet.. I am beginning to doubt if I can really make it.. Whatever.. I'll try.. But now.. First.. I must know.. What can I do to make him completely give me up.. How can I make him let go.. *Sigh* My brains are bursting again..
Such a coincidence.. Suxian and me both brought up the same topic yesterday.. But we both didn't suceed.. Guess we should try harder yah..
I just read this super sad story.. It was a link from Suxian's blog.. And like she commented.. I shouldn't read it cause I'll definitely be crying away.. And she was right.. I did.. But that's me yah..
May Wings Grow On Me.. Then I'll Fly.. Far Away.. To Heaven.. To Dreams.. Where I Shall Be.. For Enternity..
7:45 AM
she writes
Monday, July 19, 2004
Just finished reading Yao Hui's entire blog.. HaiX.. Can see that he really really love Carol a lot.. *Sigh*
Guess I've been upset all over by it because I've been in his position before.. Maybe not exactly the same scenario.. Cause I'm kinda clueless about what happened in theirs.. But the feeling is there..
Thinking over.. We've been together for two years.. Five months.. And a day.. Wow.. What an awfully long time.. From February 17 2002 all the way to July 18 2004.. Didn't expect we'll come such a long way.. But we did..
Remember when we just started.. Everyone said we wouldn't last.. The most two weeks.. And I myself thought so too.. Cause I know I wouldn't make a good girlfriend.. And it's true.. I didn't.. I remember telling him all the time.. Go get someone better.. I'm not worth his love.. I remember myself not having the courage to stare into his eyes.. Afraid that soon.. I'll never be able to see the same pair of eyes again.. He always thought I was silly.. But seriously.. This is how I feel inside..
Then.. Somewhere in April 2003.. I fell for someone else.. And I started giving him the cold shoulders.. So sinful.. And then.. Somewhere in April.. Some time after my birthday.. The night before his O'Level Chinese exams.. I initiated a break up.. I insisted that it wasn't because of him.. But seriously.. Thinking back.. Now I'm not sure.. And we started to live life on our own.. Not exactly.. Cause we were still in close contact.. But not that close anymore..
So after that.. He got to know Charmaine from my class.. And I thought it was good.. Good that he found someone else and carried on with life.. But I was wrong.. When I started to learn that he got really really close to her.. I regretted.. I wanted him back in my life.. I cried till tears run dry.. I begged till he called me irritating and didn't want to talk to me no more.. I threatened by cutting my wrist and eating panadols.. But these just didn't seems to work anymore.. Cause he told me right in my face that he absolutely feel no more for me.. And I crumbled.. I blamed no one for it.. Cause I was the one who chose to gave up first.. So in what position did I have the right to blame anyone.. But I continued to pester.. Can't believe that I was so thick-skinned.. And on the 25th of August.. He finally came back to me..
After we got back together.. I started to worry about him falling for someone else when he leaves school and go into poly.. But I keep telling myself that if that really happens.. You got to accept it and never turn back again.. And this got into me real hard..
But now.. We hardly have the time for each other anymore.. From the time we just started.. Sticking to each other every other day.. To twice or thrice a week when he started working.. To once a week.. And now.. After he started school.. Not even once a week..
Thinking back.. I regretted asking him back the other time when he left me.. I should have just let things be.. First.. I broke up a couple who was deeply in love.. He really liked Charmaine.. And Charmaine really liked him.. Second.. I know I wouldn't stay devoted.. Third.. I'm someone who preferred freedom and friends over relationships cause I'm not exactly the kinda girl who likes to get involved in relationship.. But all these.. I only discovered after we got back together.. And lastly.. I got the feeling that I'm going to be the one again who initiate the break up.. *Sigh*
But whatever it is.. Whatever ending we have.. I really wanna say.. Thanks a lot to him.. Thanks a lot for grooming me into who I am today.. Thanks for being tolerate and patient to my bad temper and childish attitude.. Thanks for showering me with love.. Care and concern..
*Sigh* Just a little recollection about the past..
I Just Want You To Know.. I Found The Reason For Me.. To Change Who I Used To Be.. The Reason To Start Over Anew.. And The Reason Is You..
7:28 AM
she writes
Sunday, July 18, 2004
*SobX SobX* I just read Yao Hui's blog.. Only managed to read till April.. As in from the lastest to April.. And I really had to force myself to stop there.. Cause I'm so tired from crying.. And I really don't wish to look like a goldfish tomorrow.. I kept on crying and crying and crying.. And I just can't help it..
I wonder if Carol read everything.. I wonder if a single tear fell from her eyes.. But I bet it did.. Cause as a stranger.. Thousands fell from mine.. And I guess mine willl be so insignificant.. If she cried.. And I wonder if she still care about him.. I wonder if she still love him.. I really hoped she still do.. I really hope they can get back together..
I seriously wish I could do something.. Something to make him feel better.. Although it's kinda impossible.. He'll probably just ignore me or somehing.. And he doesn't have a tagboard at all.. Seriously.. I'm not trying to like get close to him or anything.. I don't wish to be known too.. I just hope I could like leave him a note on the tagboard to encourage him everytime I visits his blog.. Although I don't think it'll be of any help at all.. But.. Yah.. I just wish to do something.. Like try every possibility..
It really hurts to read his blog.. How he missed her every single day.. Don't get the wrong idea.. I not feeling this way just because he's cute.. I'll feel exactly the same if it was anyone else.. *SigH*
I don't know why.. Guess I'm really like too emotional.. Even at this point of time.. Tears are still welling in my eyes.. "God.. Please let him have her again.. Please.. Let them stay together.. Forever.. Happily ever after.." And now.. Tears fell again.. *SigH* When will I stop crying..
I Thought I Was The Only One Who Lived In A Fairytale Without A Happy Ending..
5:49 PM
she writes
Went town with Jessica today.. But since it's after twelve.. So it's supposed to be yesterday.. It has really been a long long long time since we last went out together.. And our purpose today was to like get something to wear for the "Woman In Black" play next saturday.. But we came back like empty handed.. So disappointing.. It's such an irony.. Whenever we go out with an intention to window shop.. We always find something that we want to buy.. But today we went there with a purpose and money.. And we just couldn't find anything.. But fortunately for me.. I still have a friday to look for clothes.. Cause we're having Speech Day this friday.. So the night study programme is cancelled.. But poor Jessica.. Choir have to perform for Speech Day.. So she'll be occupied on friday.. Hope she is able to squeeze out some time on other days to shop for something to wear..
Anyway.. We had a lot of fun.. HahaX.. We were like rushing from mall to mall.. Shops after shops.. We were also super mean lorX.. When we were at Paragon.. We were talking about big sized girls going clubbing wearing like super high heel shoes.. There'll be like a ring of people standing like 50 m away from her.. Cause they're worried that she'll steps on their legs.. And then she'll be like leaking oil as she walks.. And splashing oil if she jumps.. And she'll like malke the whole toilet bowl oily if she sits on it.. HahaX.. Can't believe we're so mean lorX.. Then when we were in the MRT.. Then a lot of Bagalahs and Indians started to get up the MRT at Outrum Park and they surrounded us.. So I started to make comments like "Why the MRT suddenly got black-out?" And Jessica told me this racist joke.. And we both started laughing like mad.. So racist! But can't blame us too.. This Bagalah was like leaning so close to us when there was so much space in front of him.. And both of us was squeezing together like sardine.. Practically sticking together.. Idiot!
*Sigh* Feel so guilty.. I made Wai Keong really upset.. Cause I told him a rumour that I heard about him which wasn't true.. That's why I say it was a rumour.. But I didn't really believe in it.. Maybe yes about the part that says he like a girl in 405.. But not the part which he beat up someone for commenting that he shouldn't like girls older than him.. So guilty.. Now he's really really upset.. He keeps blaming himself for having such a bad name and reputation.. And it's all my fault.. Just because of my wanting to find out who the girl was.. I made someone so super upset.. How selfish can I get! *SobX* I hate myself!
I Wish To Feel You Beside Me Every Night I Fall Asleep.. But All I Feel Is The Cold Empty Air Brushing Against Me..
3:54 PM
she writes
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Just came back from night study today.. Not very productive today either.. Cause I only finished my A maths exercise 18C and review problem 18.. *Sigh* And there's still like a pile of assignments for me to complete over the weekend and two tests coming up next week.. HaiX.. I'm stretched! Real stretched!
School was as usual today.. We had lessons after lessons after lessons.. But P.E. was exceptionally fun today.. Cuase we got to play Captain's Ball.. But as usual.. Like every other ball games.. It was another bimbotic games.. We were all like screaming here and there after the ball.. HahaX.. But guess it's not an unusual sight in a girls dominated class like ours.. HeeX.. And like always.. I was the one standing at the post.. But fortunately.. I got to switch post with Jessica.. So I got to run quite.. And really perspire a lot too.. It felt really great.. Especially for an outdoor person like me who haven't been playing so hard during P.E. for ages..
Mrs Ee was kinda pissed off with our class today.. HahaX.. Cause it was like raining.. So instead of using the basketball court.. We had to share the hall with her class today.. And half of our class girls were like wearing cloured bras.. But she couldn't do anything about it.. Cause Mr Chan was there.. So I guess she needs to like give him some face.. Then we were like screaming away so loudly during the game and our ball keep going over to her side of the hall.. HahaX.. Her territory I should say.. HeeX..
Got to see Melvin a few times today as well.. (o^^o) But kinda upset.. Cause I didn't get to see him half naked when he was changing in class today.. Not because his class's door was closed.. But because I was too shy too look in.. HahaX.. =X
Anyway.. Yao Rong just did an operation on his back today.. So glad that everything went fine and he was discharged straight away.. But really hope he'll be able to take good care of himself and not move around so much.. Cause afterall the wound is like on his back.. So it wouldn't be very advisable for him to move about too much.. Just in case like the wound split open or something.. *Choy* Touchwood! Just hope that hed'll recover real soon..
*Sigh* I'm having a bad headache for no reason.. And the incoming message of the messenger is driving making things worse.. *Sigh* Guess I better wrap up some homework and go to bed as soon as possible.. Wanna wake up early tomorrow to either stay at home or go somewhere else to finish all my work.. Really got to be more harworking this weekend.. If not i'll have to spend next week catching up on all my unfinished assignments.. And if this carries on.. I'll never have the time to do my revision.. HaiX.. I feel really stressed up.. But what to do..
Please Let Me Love Again.. Cause I Need Your Love To Comfort Me And Ease My Pain.. Or Four Seasons Will Bring The Loneliness Again..
2:49 PM
she writes
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Today is the 14th day I'm like infatuated all over with Melvin.. And I managed to take a few good looks at him today.. Especially during recess.. So glad that I went down.. HeeX..
Me and Suxian got a little cranky during Geography lesson today.. It all started when I commented that I thought Desley is kinda cute.. And she started to talk to the Peter Pan picture she sticked behind her school diary.. Asking him if he thought Desely is cute.. Then it went on to the Peter Pan "glaring eyes".. When we both started to imitate the way Peter Pan glared.. Then.. I started to draw on her hands with all the colour pens and highligters.. And I drew something that was supposed to be a woman.. With a super kissable lips.. But Suxian thought it looked more like a monster.. HahaX.. And I actually like highlighted a bit of my lips with the pink hightlighter.. And coloured it with the glittering pink coloured pen.. I was trying to create the Maybelline Wet Shine lipstick effect.. HahaX..
I skipped tuition today.. Kinda tired.. And there's so many things to complete.. So school.. Me and Suxian went to Jurong Point for lunch and a walk.. What an irony.. I said I had lots of thins to complete.. And yet.. I went Jurong Point.. But it've been kinda long since I went shopping.. So I just wanted to take a walk..
Kinda guilty.. Cause I've been causing Jun Qi and her to quarrel recently.. At least I thought it was my fault.. Guess I shouldn't occupy so much of her time.. *SigH* So sorry!
Feeling kinda down now.. Seems like a lot of things bottled up inside me.. But I'm really not sure what.. If only things were easier to understand..
Anyway.. Did some changes to my blog.. But seriously.. I'm still not very satisfied..
Life's Empty Without You By My Side.. My Heart Belongs To Yo.. No matter How Hard I Try..
11:23 AM
she writes
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Found this link on someone's blog.. Thought it was kinda intresting.. And I must admit it's kinda accurate too.. HahaX.. I drink what I am.. So here I am..
How to make a Jolynn |
Ingredients:
5 parts friendliness
5 parts silliness
5 parts instinct |
Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little caring if desired! |
Personality cocktailFrom
Go-Quiz.com
11:03 AM
she writes
Wanted to write my blog yesterday.. But because I only reached home at 10 after my Physics tuition.. And I had to study for my Chemistry test and do my a maths.. I didn't have the time to blog.. So.. I should now make up for it..
Actually.. The only thing I wanted to talk about yesterday was that I walked past Melvin! And I frozed right after he walk past me.. I could feel my heart beating so fast that I nearly couldn't breathe.. HeeX.. He's like so super duper cute! And he got double eye-lids.. Cute right! (o^^o)
Anyway.. I also took my Social Studies common test yesterday.. I think I wrote a lot of crap.. And I didn't write a lot for the first part of the question.. Hope I don't get penalised for that.. Hope I can pass! *Pray*
As for today.. I got to see Melvin for quite a number of times today.. A few times during the change over of periods.. After his P.E. and during recess.. HahaX.. (o^^o) But kinda disappointed! Cause I didn't get to see him half naked again.. =X HahaX.. Cause he was changing inside the class but his classroom door was closed.. So I didn't get a chance to peep in.. HahaX..
I nearly died in the Chemistry lab today.. Cause we were suppose to mix like this unkonwn solid R with the concentrated hydrochloric acid.. And the gas product was chlorine gas.. But the chlorine was so pungent that it kinda choked me.. And when almost everyone was doing that particular experiment.. The whole lab was filled with the pungent smell of chlorine that we had to get out of the lab to get some fresh air..
Nothing else happened today.. So I guess I can stop here.. Should try to go complete some of my homework.. Do some revisons.. And if time allow.. Practice some papers.. HeeX.. Got to work really really hard now.. Should just get it done and over for this few months.. And next year when I look into the mirror.. I can see myself wearing Hwa Cheong school uniform.. HahaX.. Can't help feeling excited at the thought..
There's Always A Happy Ending To Every Fairtale.. But In Mine.. Things Just Don't Turn Out The Same..
9:25 AM
she writes
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Went to the NDP first preview with Suxian yesterday.. People normally say that the only different between a preview and the actual day is only that during preview.. We don't get to see the real MPs and President.. But the preview we watched was like so different from the actual day lorX.. We not only didn't get to see the president.. But first.. We didn't have funpack.. And they keep telling us to shake our shakers.. Wave our flag.. But we didn't have our funpacks.. So all of us just stared at them like idiots.. Second.. The stadium was only like a quarter full.. Third.. Some of the performers didn't have costume.. And lastly.. Which was what made me the most pissed off was.. We only get to hear fireworks.. And not see them.. When it was time for the firework display.. Someone exclaimed..
"Fireworks! Fireworks! Check it out!" And everyone was looking up in the sky and there was nothing.. What's an NDP without fireworks.. And me and Suxian was feeling so damn cheated.. But the day was rather enjoyable afterall.. Cause it has been like a long time since I last went out with Suxian.. And we had a rather good time laughing at pointing at super enthusiatic and stuggling performers.. HeeX..
Have been feeling kinda down since yesterday night.. Guess it's the sensitive and emotional me taking over again.. *Sigh* But I'm feeling so taken for granted.. I'm only remembered when people meet with problems.. I only cross their minds when they're bored or got nothing better to do.. I feel just like a toy.. Only being played when they got no other toys to play with.. The rest of the time.. I'm just thrown at a corner.. Not even worth looking at.. *SobX* I always thought I was near perfect in someone's eyes.. But now I know.. It was all just my imagination..
How Do You Feel When In Everybody's Eyes.. You Are Just A Nobody.. You Feel Just Like Me..
4:01 AM
she writes
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Just came back from Night Study Programme in school.. Although we end up like talking a lot and not being very productive.. But we did something we all felt was more than what we'll do at home.. And I guess this is the first session.. So everyone is still not very used to it.. I believe we'll pick up very soon..
Today wasn't a great day for me and my class.. Four of us.. Including me.. Got caught even before lessons start.. And the whole class got reprimanded during CME lesson as well as during recess.. But seriously.. It's nothing unusual.. HahaX.. And I guess no one took it to heart..
Didn't really get to see Melvin a lot today.. Just saw him in his class.. Styling his hair.. And going down for lesson when I was in Jessica's class having Chinese.. But I guess the greatest moment today was when I saw him half naked in class during recess.. He was changing.. HahaX.. But I was kinda in a shock.. So I didn't really like take a very good look at his body.. =X I just got a glance of it.. But.. Satisfied enough.. HeeX.. (o^^o)
It's gonna be a very short weekend.. But I have so much things to complete.. Guess I better start early.. Before I drown in panic and stress on Sunday.. HahaX..
If One Day I Was To Forget.. Forget About Everything.. I Wish I Will Have Another Chance To Know.. To Know You All Over Again..
2:12 PM
she writes
Friday, July 09, 2004
Can you believe! I finished every single assignment I was supposed to today.. Chemistry worksheet.. Chinese worksheet and even the Chinese letter writing.. HahaX.. I feel so proud of myself.. And I'm in a hardworking mood now.. Guess I'll try to finish some of the weekend homework if I have the time later..
I'm so upset over Melvin today.. First.. Melvin didn't sign up for the night study.. *Sad* I thought I could like look at him for another three hours more before the weekend.. But.. *SigH* Second.. I didn't get to see him at all today.. As in like really see him clearly.. I only managed to like get a glance of him once when I walked past his class.. I didn't even have the chance to see him when I left school.. *SobX* Cause his class ends only at two.. But I dismissed myself at one-thirty although I had Chinese lesson until two.. And we were asked to stay in class to do a worksheet although she wasn't coming.. But I decided I could do that at home.. And third.. I think there's this bunch of girls from 3B that likes Melvin.. I saw them walking past his class yesterday.. Jumping.. Probably hoping to see him through the window.. And one of them exclaimed
"Melvin is inside lehX!" (if I didn't have a hearing problem) Although it's nothing special.. Cause Melving is like so super cute.. But how can a group of "air porks" like the same guy as me.. How can I allow them to like someone so cute like Melvin.. Hope you got what I mean by calling them "air porks".. I feel mean.. But it's true.. I can't let this happen.. I must eliminate them.. Bring them to the slaughter house.. And let them be sold in the market as pork.. But I'll swear to stay away from pork for the rest of my life.. *Evil laugh*
And.. I'm also kinda upset over something else today.. I realised that when we make mistakes.. We'll never ever know how bad we were behaving at that point of time.. Until we see the people around us making the same mistakes.. We realise exactly.. How disgusting and disappointing we were behaving.. *SigH* But what's us without making mistakes..
But there's definitely something that I feel happy today as well.. That is having a best pal like Jessica.. Although I've probably been mentioning this umpteen times.. But I still have to say.. She's one great friend.. Sheltering me from the rain all the while.. Getting all drenched with me when the umbrella breaks.. And also catching a cold with me when the sun shines brightly on us after the rain.. (o^^o) "I really love ya a lot girl! Words are seriously not enough to describe how fortunate I feel having you! But I know you understand.. And really sorry for the quarrels we've been having recently.. But they only helped to show one thing.. That our friendship stands strong no matter what.. Love ya so much! *MuackzZz*"
Anyway.. Tomorrow will be a kinda long day for me.. I'll be having school as usual.. Dismissing at 12:40.. Then I guess I'll head for home.. Take a nap and a bathe.. And if time allow.. Do some homework.. And head back for school for the night study programme.. Which is from six all the way to nine.. Hope I can finish as many weekend assignments as possible.. Or at least finish studying Social Studies.. Chapter 5.. So that my weekend burden will be lessen.. And I'll have more time to do the excahnge diary.. If not Jessica is probably going to strangle me if I don't give it to her by Sunday.. HahaX.. But seriously.. I can't blame her for that.. Cause I really have been holding on to it for an awful long time too..
Guess I'll stop here for today.. Got to go finish my CME project.. Some dumb election speech.. And hopefully quickly study for ting xie.. So that I can start on some of my weekend assignments.. Anyway.. If you're wondering why I'm learning ting xie everyday.. It's definitely not because I've been failing it.. It's because I'm having ting xie every Chinese lesson until we catch up with her teaching pace.. *SigH* Kinda glad that I didn't go into small details today.. If not I'll end up writing super long post like I did for the last two days.. HahaX..
Love Is Not About Saying "I Love You" All The Time.. But Understand And Looking At Each Other In A Way That No One Else Can..
12:48 PM
she writes
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Humans are indeed very vulnerable creatures.. We're so easily affected by the people and things happening around us.. Why can't we just like learn to live with somethings till the end of time.. Why do we never seems to be satisfied with the things we have.. Instead.. We always yearns for the things that we do not have.. I'm seriously not pointing at anyone.. Cause I admit that I myself is very vulnerable too.. I'm just talking about this in general..
Things didn't go well the moment I finished updating my blog yesterday.. Remembered that I mentioned yesterday that I wanna study fot my ting xie and the Social Studies common test on Monday just before I ended my blog.. But the moment I settled down comfortably on my bed and opened my book.. My light started to flicker.. So I gave up the idea of studying and went to bed.. And I woke up this morning feeling so grumpy and unwell.. But I went to school anyway..
Went through the boring lessons as usual.. And English was a torture today lorX.. It's a three period lessons again.. So I can't help but to fall asleep.. We had Geography after English but Suxian and me were so busy eating the fried noodles her maid cooked for us.. And poor Auntie Julia even got "suan" by me when she was trying to stop us from eating.. HahaX.. Kinda guilty.. But.. Can't blame lahX.. Nice teachers are easy victims..
Anyway.. When I was on my way to Chinese.. I was caught by Mr Osgodby cause I was wearing this super ankle socks.. And he made me take off my shoe in the middle of the corridor and pull up my socks.. How embarassing.. What if Melvin walked out of his class at that very moment.. I guess I'll have to dig a big hole in the ground to hide in.. And to make things worse.. I couldn't write so many words of my ting xie when it was like the first time I seriously studied for it lorX.. How bad can my day get.. And everyone is so busy after school today that I was left all alone.. Jessica had A maths extra lesson.. Suxian.. Zhen Zhen they all had O'Level Chinese oral.. And the pathetic me was left aimless.. So I left without a choice.. I had to date my mum to IMM for lunch and accompany her to Giant to get some stuff before I headed for tuition..
I had such a hard time keeping myself awake during tuition.. I was so damn tired.. I don't know why.. I was wishing so much that the lesson could be over soon.. On my way home from tuition.. I went to the coffee shop to get myself dinner.. And this man.. In his early 30s.. Most probably a stall vendor came over to ask me how tall I was.. So I told him.. And then he was like
"Wah!" Then he asked if I was secondary 4 or 5 this yera.. So I told him secondary 4 and he went like
"Wah! Best arhX.. Like that you can be model liaoX lorX.. If you're slimmer a bit.." I was so darn super pissed lorX.. I know I'm fat.. But imagine if someone was to tell you that right in your face.. A complete stranger.. He was lucky that I was feeling too weak to punch him.. >_<
Anyway.. Today is the 7th day that I'm so infatuated over Melvin.. But I didn't really get to see him a lot today.. Saw him during recess and walking home after school with his friends.. As usual.. But at least.. Today.. I got a handphone number which was likely his today.. Thanx to the contribution made by Jessica.. HahaX.. But knowing myself.. I'll just like store the number in my handphone and not do anything about it.. Until a day when I forgets whose number it was and delete it off.. So what's the point of me having his number.. But whatever it is.. Thanx to Jessica..
I seriously don't know what's so wrong with me these two days.. I'm like spedning so much time writing super long posts.. Going into every single detail.. *SigH* And now I feel guilty for not completing my assignments before I blog.. Cause I'm left with like a few hours to complete them.. So I better be off..
Everytime I Think About You.. I Feel Myself Dreaming.. But I Find Myself Awake.. Is It True.. Or Is It Just My Fantasy..
12:06 PM
she writes
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Seems like I haven't been blogging for quite some time too.. So I guess I should do a summary of my past few days..
OkayX.. I went to watch Spiderman 2 or Sunday.. It was quite a good show.. But after watching it.. I still seems to have loads and loads of movies that I wanna watch..
Cinderella story.. Which is supposingly opening on the 22nd of July..
Mean Girls.. If I really have extra cash.. Cause I think it's gonna be a kidna bimbotic show like
The Confession of The Teenage Drama Queen..
King Arthur.. Which I already promised Jessica that I'll watch with her.. And also
Qian Ji Bian 2.. But I'm not really sure when it'll be opening..
After listing so many movies.. I realised it has been ages since I watched a movie or went shopping with Suxian.. And I think the last movie I watched with her was
Hot Chick on her birthday.. And the last time I went shopping with her was like a month before June holiday.. To Jurong Point.. When she bought the FBT top.. What an irony.. We sit together like 5 days a week.. But yet.. We seldom get the chance to go out.. Guess I must really find a time to ask her out for a movie and shopping spree..
Today was an alright day for me.. I woke up earlier than usual to make breakfast for Suxian.. Jessica.. Yong Hwee and myself.. Self-satisfaction.. Although I made a mistake by thinking that Jessica was the one who didn't like pineapple on pizzas when it is suppose to be Liling.. *Opps* And like every other day except weekends.. I went to school.. Attended lesson and didn't fall asleep at all.. But I am kinda guilty for cheating for both English and Chemistry test.. =X But I swear I wouldn't do it again kayX.. From today onwards.. I must take every test seriously.. Oh yah.. And Suxian bought me 2 star rubber bands.. One purple and the other one blue.. They are so sweet.. Pretty and nice.. HeeX..
"ThanX a lot Xian! Luv ya loads!"..
After school.. Zhen Zhen and me went to KFC and we bought a "Buddy Meal" take away.. And went up to the quiet corridor lift lobby on the fifth floor to eat together with Suxian.. Charmaine.. Shi Han and Heng Pei.. But it wasn't a very quiet corridor afterall.. Groups of other school students kept on walking past.. And Shi Han kept on saying "Hi" and "Bye" to them.. Usually being ignored or occasionally.. Entertained.. When the guys said "bye" or waved back.. HahaX.. And when we stepped into the cinema.. Which the corridor was leading to.. The groups of people that she greeted were all there.. HahaX.. How embarassing.. After that.. I went to POPULAR to get a giant ring file and decided it was kinda late.. So I came home.. I bathed.. Slept till six.. Had dinner.. And did my homework.. Why am I going into such small details today.. I'm not really sure too.. Just feeling kinda weird today..
I didn't really get a lot of chance to see Melvin today.. Saw him once during the morning assembly.. And during assembly.. He was sitting like diagonally behind me.. So I caught a few glance of him.. And I also saw him going home after school.. As in crossed the road in front of the school with his friends.. I just seems to get my eyes off him.. I kept on looking at him until he was out of side.. I just can't seems to get enough of him.. But I really don't wish for him to discover about my infatuation over him.. If not he'll probably be running everytime he sees me.. *SigH*
I've also been doing a bit of self reflection today.. And I realised I did many many many things that I really wasn't supposed to do.. And I feel kinda guilty about it.. HaiX.. But seriously.. I guess I wouldn't be feeling this was if I wasn't attached.. But whatever it is.. This period of time is not the time to think about stuff like that.. All I can do now is try to aviod everything and concentrate on my studies.. Prelims might be on the last week of this term.. Which is like less than 2 months away.. I need all the time in the world to do nothing else but study.. Study.. And study.. And really wish to do really really well.. And I believe I can if I put in the effort.. *Jia You*
Anyway.. I'm kinda proud of myself.. I finished my A maths.. Excercise 18A.. My chinese compostion.. As well as the chinese comprehension.. Although it's not a lot.. And I still haven't finished my Social Studies holiday assignments.. But at least I made a little improvement.. HeeX..
我知道
只要按下传送键
思念就能飘洋过海
最进我听到了一个传说
很想分享给你......
风雪笼罩的北国
一条被遗忘的轨道
有个贴满票根的车站
名叫"幸福"
只要求开往幸福站的车票
即使相隔千里
仍能情繁两端
坚贞不移
爱侣们总是不辞劳苦
只为了追寻一个永远
How dumb can I get.. I actually thought this was supposed to be the other way round until I was closed to finish typing it.. Read it from the last sentence to the first.. And that was what I thought it was supposed to be.. *Der!* Anyway.. This is a little paragraph that I got from the Ou De Yang's lyrics book today.. And I thought it was rather meaningful and sweet.. And if you cannot read it.. I guess you need to right click and select "encoding" and then followed by "automatic" or something close to that..
Guess I should stop here.. Spent so much time writing today's post.. I should be gone to study for tomorrow's ting xie and a bit of Social Studies's common test next Monday..
Whenever I Look Into Your Eyes.. Wishing That You Will Look Back Into Mine.. You Turned Away.. Not Taking A Moment To Notice How Much I Yearn For You..
2:14 PM
she writes