stay with me

don't let me go

cause i can't be without you

just stay with me

and hold me close

because i've built my world around you

and i don't wanna know what it's like without you

so stay with me

just stay with me

Sunday, August 31, 2008

deeper and deeper;
the aching in my heart sinks.

"imu."

Destined.

4:55 AM

she writes

Friday, August 29, 2008

for the last time;
stop pushing me.

why must i always pretend to be so strong in front all of you?
why can't any of you accept the weak side of me?
why do all of you have to keep forcing me?
why won't any of you leave me alone?

i'm not a puppet;
i can't be controlled to behave in the way you all want me to be.
cause i have my own emotions running through me as well.

don't try pushing your luck too far.
till the point that i can no longer breathe;
i'll just leave everything behind,
and make myself disappear from the surface of this earth.

so please;
neither do i wanna say anything to anyone anymore.
nor do i wanna hear what anyone has to say anymore.
all i ask is to be left alone.

"whether is it the happy or unhappy moments;
you're always the first person that i wanna share them with.
no exception this time either.

really wish you were right here with me;
to wipe off all my tears,
give me a big warm ducky hug,
tell me -
"silly. it'll all tide over soon. everything will be alright. no more tears okay?",
and then plant a big wet ducky kiss on my lips,
giving me all the strength that i'll ever need;
to carry on again.

baby..."

exhausted;
really.

Understatement.

2:22 AM

she writes

Thursday, August 28, 2008

dreamt of his dad last night.
he told me a lotta stuff.
though i can't exactly recall the content;
but i do remember that they were very comforting words.
:]

relationship is never about only 2 people.
cause if it is;
i prolly wouldn't be missing his family members so much as well.

i miss his parents-
they always make me feel like a part of the family;
always asking me to come along when they head out for dinner during special occasions.
and just by looking at the both of them;
i learnt that love is all about loving everything of your other half,
including all their flaws.

i miss his brothers-
they gave me the feeling of having 2 more brothers;
and taught me how to care for younger siblings.
most importantly;
they never fail to put a smile to my face from time to time,
especially the youngest brother.

i miss his grandparents-
they were always so hospitable;
always inviting me over for dinner at their place.
even till now;
they still insist on giving me a treat whenever i bump into them at the coffeeshop.

it's upset knowing that you might never have another chance to be part of a family like this.

"now that i'm left with nothing;
all i can carry with me now is faith-
the faith that our love for one another is strong;
strong enough to bring us through all obstacles.

i must have faith-
that this period of absence and distance;
will make our hearts grow fonder for one another,
not apart.
and that one day when we both know we're ready to love again;
we'll spend forever together.

but if all these is only me assuming things again;
then like you once told me during the initial stage of our relationship,
when you wanted to give me up-
"fly like a butterfly. be free."

my love for you;
can't be selfish,
only hoping for happiness for myself.
instead,
it should be selfless.
that as long as you're happy, safe and healthy;
no matter how much pain i'll be put through,
i know it's all worth it.

cause i love you."

I Wanna Be; The Reason For Your Happiness.

1:22 AM

she writes

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

words seems to be failing me;
so let the song take over.

freya lin fan - i miss you

i thought i heard your voice yesterday
when i turned around to say
that i loved you
then i realize
that it was just my mind
playing tricks on me

and it seems colder lately at night
and i try to sleep with the lights on
every time the phone rings
i pray to God it's you
i just can't believe
that we're through

i miss you
there's no other way to say it
and i and i can't deny it

i miss you
it's so easy to see
i miss you and me

is it done and over this time
have we really changed our minds
about each other's love
all the feelings that we used to share
i refuse to believe
that you don't care

i miss you
there's no other way to say it
and i and i can't deny it

i miss you
it's so easy to see

i've got to gather my senses together
i've been through worst kinds of weather
but if it's over now
be strong
just can't believe
that you're gone
i've got to carry on

but...

i miss you
there's no other way to say it
and i and i can't deny it

i miss you
it's so easy to see
that you're part of me now

i miss you
it's drving me crazy
and i don't wanna live without you

i miss you
it's so easy to see
i miss you and me

"for these 43 days;
this is the way that i've been feeling.

let your mind take a rest;
and ask your heart if you feel the same way.
if your answer is yes;
let me know will you?

cause i love you;
so much so much so much.
still."

i feel my heart slowly dying...

Can't Believe.

1:26 AM

she writes

Monday, August 25, 2008

it feels as though i went back to the time when everything just happened.

tears kept welling up in my eyes unknowingly;
from time to time.

again;
i feel nothing else;
but sadness.

i tried to drench myself in the heavy rain;
hoping that these feelings will drown.
still;
not feeling a tinny winny bit better.

i searched so hard;
for any signs of miracle.
even in others' life.
just to make my still harbouring of hope;
justifiable.

there's always so much focus on the outside;
that people fail to see what's going on inside of you.

"what about you?

do you know what's going through deep down inside of me?
do you even care?

since the day you left;
i've never truly lived a single day.

i can't hang on any longer."

No Longer.

12:00 AM

she writes

Sunday, August 24, 2008

to my dear ah neo (one-third of the threesome)-
"HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!
threesome is finally all 20! how does it feel? old right? haha! hoped you enjoyed your day out with us! though it was nothing special and really simple. hope you like your "lao-sai green" (as contributed by jason) psp too! hahahaha! thanks for being one-third of the threesome all these while! love you! :]"

so as mentioned;
the shang gang celebrated ah neo's birthday.

stupid xianlong kept saying that i look like a plastic mannequin!
wth!
do i really look so fake?!

we caught death race;
exciting show.
but gruesome too.
:\

2:33 AM

she writes

Saturday, August 23, 2008

i've been trying really hard to avoid working at dior on friday;
especially afternoon shift.
cause i'm afraid of going home alone after knocking off at 11pm.

he'll usually be there to pick me up on friday nights;
then we'll head for supper.
then home for our routine gaming or online movie-ing session.
no longer now;
i'm all alone.

but i'm not so lucky to escape work on friday all the time;
so i was on afternoon shift.
and i broke down.
though i know it was a big no for me to cry outside;
but i really couldn't help it.
i just can't go on pretending anymore;
i really can't.

words seems to be starting to fail me.
i can no longer describe the feelings deep within;
the pain.
the emptiness.
the yearning.
the fear.
the hope.

since the day he left;
i've been so afraid to sleep.
cause i'll hafta cry myself to sleep every single night.
and wake up every single morning only to be reminded that he's no longer in my life.
i keep reliving the pain over and over again.

"i've always been trying very hard to be your superwoman.
though i know i'll never be perfect;
but i keep trying and trying.
still;
i realise that i'll never ever be good enough.

are you happier now;
as compared to the times when we were together?

can i honestly tell you that i'm not?
and that i'm miserable;
so much so much more than you can ever imagine.

i miss you;
truckloads.

i love you;
very much still."

i'm so scared;
i really really am.

Let Your Heart Say You Love Me.

2:17 AM

she writes

Friday, August 22, 2008

"i miss you!
i miss you!
i miss you...

so much so much so much..."

if only i could scream it out loud.

Dying Within.

12:23 AM

she writes

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

开始发现原来自己什么都做不好。
好讨厌这样的自己。

不要再逼我了好不好?
我已经快透不过气了。
因为你们想要看到的；
根本都不是真正的我。
而是那个你们希望是我的我。

对不起；
我真的做不到。

"为什么一直到现在；
我还是希望能看到你坐在我家楼下等着我?

我是不是很傻?"

你有没有听见?

6:57 PM

she writes

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

got waifong to head to sentosa with me earlier.
it's been ages since i've got the chance to sit quietly by the beach;
listening to the waves and feeling the wind in my face.
it feels great.

took the chance to re-live the memories of this year valentine's day;
when we spent a day there together.
i remember he was super duper sweet that day-
he took the effort to arrive early even though he didn't really get a lotta sleep the night before.
he didn't grumble even though i was late.
he finished up the entire bread that i made for him even though it was stone hard.
he gave me this mini flower even though we agreed beforehand that we'll both do without presents.
he accomodated my blur-ness even though he initially had some other plans.
he tried so hard to stay awake throughout the movie even though he was like friggin tired.
he insisted on sending me home even though he had to travel all the way back to hougang again.

i remember being so happy and touched that day.
even till now;
it still doesn't fail to put a smile on my face when i was telling waifong all these.
but it's been ages since i felt the same kinda happiness.



"i always thought that -
because of you;
i lost myself.

but it's not until today that i realised;
maybe...
because of you;
i am myself.

when i'm with you;
i don't hafta pretend to be strong.
i could totally portray the weak side in me;
without having to hide.
cause i know no matter what;
i'll always have you with me -
to help me overcome everything,
or wipe off my tears and tell me that everything's gonna be alright.

it's because of you;
that i no longer needa hide the weakness in me.
it's because of you;
i can be myself.

now that you're no longer with me;
they tell me that i should just be myself.
and at the same time that i should be strong.
but why does the girl who's trying so hard to be so strong now;
feels like a complete stranger to me?
so who should i be?
i no longer know.

i miss you.
i love you.
truckloads."



like waifong said;
though i moved on with life.
but my heart will never move on.

Your Superwoman.

9:53 PM

she writes

Saturday, August 16, 2008

"it's been a month.
but it feels as though a year has past without you.

i've been trying very hard;
to be strong.
to hold back the tears when i'm in front of anyone;
and only allow myself to scream and bawl when i'm all alone.
i've tried so hard;
really.
do you see it?

i've been trying very hard;
to lead a life without you.
keeping myself occupied;
with work, friends and studies.
i've tried so hard;
really.
do you see it?

i've been trying very hard;
to be independent.
refusing to pour my heart out to anyone;
not depending on anyone.
i've tried so hard;
really.
do you see it?

i've been trying very hard;
to leave you alone.
even when i see you online;
all i do is to open up your chat window and speak to you aloud;
as if you were standing right in front of me- listening.
i've tried so hard;
really.
do you see it?

can i tell you i'm tired of pretending;
to be so strong when deep down i've long crumbled?
can i tell you i hate the endless activities that i've planned for myself;
when all i want is just to have a good rest?
can i tell you i'm on the verge of bursting;
with so much so much that i'm keeping to myself?
can i tell you i feel crazy "speaking to you aloud";
and all that i really want is to talk to you like the way we used to?

i'm sorry i've never tried to forget you.
cause i know i'll be be so alone the moment you moved out of my heart;
i'm afraid.

i'm sorry i've never tried to stop loving you.
cause the love just keeps adding on it's over-flowing;
it's scaring me.

if i admit that i'm weak;
can i give up and not go on anymore?
cause the pain and emptiness never ever stop growing;
it's eating into me.

can i tell you i miss you so bad;
i wish that you'll always be here with me."

Stay With Me.

6:10 AM

she writes

Monday, August 11, 2008

the last thing that i'll ever need at this juncture of my life;
is having someone so close to me judge me.

i do not see a need to neither apologise;
nor explain myself.

i just wanna say-
it has never occurred to me that i could hang on till today;
if not for the people around me who care.
i'm always thankful.
i always appreciate.

but if you think of me like wise;
then so be it.
i can't change the way people look at me.

i no longer know;
who to put my heart into.
being abandoned over and over again;
by the people so dear to my heart.
the fear;
no one will understand.

enough said.
i'm keeping mum from here on.

"this is such a difficult phase of my life;
where are you?

wipe off my tears;
and tell me everything's gonna be fine.
will you?

i miss you;
truckloads."

It's Getting Harder And Harder To Breathe.

6:34 PM

she writes

Sunday, August 10, 2008

back.
the only things that are worth mentioning during the trip are -
1) i got into the casino;
but table games are too stressful for me.
and jackpot is just too brainless.
the entire place is just outta eat all ya money actually.
2) i finally tried the fish spa thingy;
it's super ticklish.
and the massage that comes as a package with it almost killed me.
3) i met chel chel, ah chua and levonne there;
i planned to meet chel and chua there.
cause i know they'll be there too.
but levonne was kinda unexpected.
saw her while i was loitering around.









































i rather be taking pictures together with you again at the same spots;
than taking photos of those places which looks terrifyingly empty without you.

i miss you so badly;
really.

hope you've totally recovered from your cough.
loads of luck for coming exams;
jia you!

i love you;
still."

Don't Know Where To Turn To.

10:23 PM

she writes

Thursday, August 07, 2008

dbl o-ed last night.
it was a last minute thingy;
wasn't even dressed to club.
but it's okay.
at least i gotta experience a lotta first time -
first time hanging out with my colleagues.
first time having a purely girls night out.
and drinks were free whole night long.
so tequila shots and vodka;
one after another.

will upload photos soon.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

leaving for genting tomorrow night.
spending the national day weekend there.

not really looking forward.
didn't really wanna go in the first place.
cause i'll be missing my annual national day celebration with my girlfriends.
but mum insisted with the intention of it being a get-better trip for me.

deep down i know that this will definitely not be a get-better trip for me.
cause there's loads of memories lingering there as well -
i remember leaving the room prettay late at night;
going around snapping pictures in the indoor theme park and shopping area.
i remember sharing an ice cream;
even though the weather was so friggin cold.
i remember the ferris wheel ride;
and the photos that we took up there.
i remember the cartoon picture of us that the "artist";
and how much we laughed about it.
i remember our pizza hut meal;
where we took so many funny photos.
i remember...

"i don't wanna go anywhere this national day;
i just really wanna spend it with you."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i dreamt of him last night.
and the moment i woke up;
i picked up my phone and was ready to text him about what alicia told us in the dream.
only to have reality setting in...

the cruel thing of dreaming about someone you love but lost;
is waking up to re-live the loss all over again.

tears kept threatening to surface in my eyes the entire day today.
i tried to stay strong.
i refuse to let it fall.
but the moment i stepped into the house.
i lost it all.

"when my two darling angels left;
i remember praying so hard to god to not take away the only happiness which i'm left with -
you.

but now that you're gone from my life;
how do you expect me to be happy again?"

Make It Go Away.

4:18 PM

she writes

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

when i say i still miss him;
they tell me i should move on.

when i still cry over him;
they tell me i should move on.

it has come to a point that i no longer wanna say a word to anyone.
it has come to a point that i no longer allow myself to cry in front of anyone.
cause all they tell me is that i should move on!

but how?!
tell me how do i move on?!
when i don't wanna forget!
when i can't let go!
when the pain just seems to sink in deeper and deeper everyday!
tell me how do i fucking move on?!

it's so easy for them;
cause it's not happening to them.
all they do is say it -
say they understand how i feel;
but what exactly do they understand?
when he isn't a big part of their life.
when he isn't the one they wanted to spend forever with.

but he is a big part of my life!
and the one i really wanted to spend forever with!
it's all happening to me!
me me me!

so-
stop telling me that i should move on!
stop telling me that time heals all wounds!
cause it all seems like total rubbish to me!

"if only you were here;
you would have wipe off my tears.
and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

if only you were here...

i miss you;
so much."

in the end;
i'm left to battle alone.

Cuts Like A Knife.

12:41 AM

she writes

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

just read about a car accident who took the life of a 19 years old girl.

"i couldn't stop worrying about you as i was reading about the accident.
just like the way i've never stop worrying since the very first time you started driving.

everytime you tell me that you're heading out;
my heart will never rest until your next message comes to let me know that you've safely arrived at your destination.

i've never meant to track you down by always asking you to let me know where you are;
i just want to know that you're safe.

but i guess none of this matters now.
most importantly is that you're always safe.

though i can no longer be there beside you to make sure it happens;
but i'll always be praying for you.

so please;
always be safe."

Can't Think Of Anything; But You.

1:11 PM

she writes

Monday, August 04, 2008

"life will never ever be the same without you."

Can't Let Go.

9:12 PM

she writes

Sunday, August 03, 2008

over and over again;
i tried to salvage this relationship.

though i hate to admit;
it's over.

there's no point waiting for another chance;
cause it'll never ever happen.

i don't wanna take the risk again and again;
only to fall so much harder each time.

i won't forget.
but i'll pack up all my emotions;
till the memories no longer hurt so bad.

"the last thing i'll ever ask from you -
be happy.
be safe.
be healthy.

i love you.

for the last time;
baby..."

and i'm numbing my heart.

A Fool.

11:15 AM

she writes

Saturday, August 02, 2008

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEL CHEL!

thanks for being part of the threesome!
love you!
:]"

12:00 AM

she writes

Friday, August 01, 2008

i was supposed to say -
"happy 31 months anniversary baby! love you so so much! muacks! :]"
but in the end.
i'm only left to tell myself that.

"i remember asking you last month if you would want me to take off today.
i was planning to go to your school to wait for your class to end.
then we can head out for our usual late night supper routine then catch a movie or something.
but all these just can't happen anymore."

life's unpredictable;
isn't it?

Left To Tell Myself.

12:00 AM

she writes

l a d i e s .

alison
angie
candy
celestine
emel
florina
germaine
izyanti
jessica
jessica
jiamin
jiamin
joanne
joanna
joey
kaili
layjun
levonne
liling
lynn
lynette
marilyn
michelle
michelle
nadalala
rachel
ruohan
shufang
shukleng
silin
suxian
waifong
wendy
xiaoli
xiaoyun
xinyi
yinghuey
yeuyeu
yuzhen
yuzhen

g u y s .

benjamin
hong ian
shirong
tepang
yonghwee

b e m i n e .

- chloe eau de parfum
- external hard disk
- guess tiffany large tote
- gucci bag
- holidays to bali/gold coast/hawaii/hongkong/japan/phuket/maldives/ tioman/taiwan
- iphone
- kate spate bag
- kate spate wallet
- lv damier canvas griet/hampstead gm
- new hairstyle
- samsung F480
- scuba license

w o r d s .

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t h e g i r l ;