Friday, October 31, 2008
these few days,my mood seems to have totally fell to rock bottom.
wish i could just get out;
whether to work,
or just head out.
i just wanna keep myself occupied,
and my mind off things i shouldn't be thinking about.
haven't even really started preparing,
for tomorrow morning's paper.
physically,
i seems to be slipping with my mood.
no matter how many hours i try to sleep,
i still feel really tired.
not much appetite,
plus the constant throwing up again.
was a little taken aback,
when i threw up yesterday;
and there was a lotta blood;
a lot more than usual.
"i'm scared,
having to face the long and winding road ahead;
all alone.
it seems so bleak,
with thousands and thousands of unknown.
i wish i could scream for you;
i really wish i could."
how long more,
must i go on;
pretending to be so strong all the time?
Looking At You.
5:16 PM
she writes
"you make me,
feel more and more disappointed;
in you."
You Don't Know.
12:50 AM
she writes
Thursday, October 30, 2008
the moment i got off at amk station,memories flooded right back;
outta control.
it got even worse when i stepped into amk hub.
tears filled up in my eyes;
right to the brim.
it was so hard to blink them away.
it's precisely this reason,
i've avoided going near that place for the past 3 months plus.
cause there's just too much memories.
far too much to bear.
i wanna be better.
i just wanna be better.
but why does it hafta be so hard?
why?
no matter how much i told myself,
not to pin any hope.
but i still did.
and what did i earn?
nothing,
other than loads of disappointment, unhappiness and tears.
i stayed up,
waiting.
and ended up,
crying my eyes out.
ended up having only about 3 hours plus of sleep,
i left for my paper.
and obviously,
i couldn't concentrate at all.
the tiredness just wouldn't stop eating into me,
and the sadness just simply refuse to rest.
so i simply rushed through my paper;
dumping in every shyt that i could remember,
and left half an hour earlier;
without even giving a second thought about checking through.
so not something that i'll do;
especially not during exams.
but still,
i did.
i just couldn't care more.
i seriously hate this weak monster that's taking over me.
"you're on my heart;
just like a tattoo.
has the promise made at 17;
really became just a moment of wishful thinking?"
Miles Away.
1:25 AM
she writes
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
11 hours more to er paper.it's gonna be so much worse than finance.
cause i ponned like almost half of the lectures for this module.
plus the fact that i'm always late for the remaining lectures that i attended;
arriving at least half an hour late for the lectures,
or arriving only in time to attend the last half an hour of the lectures.
plus the fact that even if i attended the lecture,
i never listen to anything he said;
either doddling away on my lecture notes,
dozing off,
playing nad's word search,
talking,
or simply just sitting outside the lecture hall - "chilling out".
how the hell to pass like that?!
so please wish me luck.
and please pray for me.
i'll be needing it so much more.
"i keep wondering,
if you'll message,
and wish me good luck again?
i really really really wish you will.
but at the same time,
i have this feeling you wouldn't.
i don't want to be putting in so much hope,
i shouldn't.
is this considered greedy?"
No Other Way.
11:12 PM
she writes
seriously;
why am i so dumb?
why must i make a move,
that caused myself to be so upset?
"baby,
i miss the way we used to be;
really."
paper's tomorrow;
and i still have a lot undone.
i gotta stay focus.
i gotta be strong.
i gotta hold the tears.
you over emotions;
remember.
you over emotions.
Don't Make It So Hard.
2:02 PM
she writes
Happy 20th Birthday Waifong!
"mushroom! how does it feel to hit the BIG 2?! haha! sorry i didn't plan any birthday surprise or celebration this year; papers' dates too close this week. hope you understand. at most i make it up with a kiss tomorrow kay? i'm sure this will be so much more valuable than any celebration or surprise! hahahaha!
anyway, just wanna say a really big thank you for always being there for me and keeping all my secrets for me. love you!
have a good year ahead! and hope andy and you will last a lifetime together!
ps: make sure you look at me enough when we see each other before exam period is over! don't start complaining and missing me so much during the holidays. you know how i always go MIA after exams; as usual. haha!"
11:11 AM
she writes
Monday, October 27, 2008
seriously,i don't think i'm the only one who's feeling so stressed up.
this was what happened when my 5 years old nephew,
was asked to do his abacus homework.
the "ritual" dance he performs after he got each question right.
and the celebration dance after he finished all the sums.
if you didn't catch what he was saying in the two videos,
his song goes like this -
"oh baby, oh baby, oh yea, oh yea."
damn obscene i know!
gosh!
kids these days!
ROFL!
11:37 PM
she writes
2 papers this week.
employment relations on wednesday,
and prices and market on saturday.
comparatively,
i need so much more focus and concentration this week.
yet i'm failing terribly.
i haven't even completed 1 topic for wednesday's paper,
and i'm supposed to study 5.
that what i hate about having to stay at home;
not working or going out.
it makes me temperamental.
it makes me cry a lot.
it makes me unable to sleep at night.
"you would tell me that -
i needa stay focus on my papers.
you would tell me that -
i need control my emotions instead of emotions over me.
i know;
but it's really hard.
especially with the stress level this high;
i can't help but to break down so often.
if i were to ask you -
if you would want me to be away in melbourne for a year.
what will your answer be?"
if i had a choice;
i wish i could be dependent on someone again.
cause i'm tired of being the superwoman;
i just wanna be me.
i miss wenli so much.
:[
Cause You're Just A Boy.
10:44 PM
she writes
with the absence of booze and dancing,
i still had a crazy night!
like running in the opposite direction on the travelator at vivo,
and frantic snapping of stupid pictures at keppel bay.
will upload the pictures when i've gotten the entire series!
i have this extremely bad feeling.
about what i can't really go into detail here.
but people always say women's intuition is always right?
i really really really hope not.
"cause once i lose my trust in you,
you're prolly never gonna gain it back."
i feel really taken for granted at times.
just because i don't flare up,
it doesn't mean that i don't have a temper.
so don't try pushing your luck too far.
i feel really invisible some times.
just because i don't show,
it doesn't means that it's no longer affecting me.
so stop being so insensitive.
"looking at the christmas decorations slowly being put up along orchard road,
i can't help but have tears welling up in my eyes.
we've spent 3 christmas together,
yet this year,
i'll hafta spend it alone.
i cannot imagine the loneliness, sadness and tears that will be flooding me then.
2005's christmas was the most memorable christmas i've spent with you.
though we were yet an item then,
but we were behaving like one.
you came over for christmas party over at my place;
though you didn't know any of my friends,
you still stayed throughout and kept me company.
then we went suntec in the evening.
had marche for dinner,
went sky terrace to chit chat,
and watched cronicles of narnia.
though simple,
but i remember how happy we both were;
back then.
and i remembered how deeply we were into each other;
back then.
baby,
i miss you."
dear santa,
if i promise to be a good girl from now on,
will you fulfill my wish?
i wanna spend all the coming christmas with MLBF again.
please?
Way Back Then.
1:23 AM
she writes
Sunday, October 26, 2008
happy 21st joanna!"loves! :]"
looking at alicia;
i feel that i'm seeing a reflection of myself.
really really really wish that i could do something to make her feel better;
words of consolation or advices or whatever.
but i seems to be trapped in a somewhat similar situation as her,
what kinda good advices can i possibly provide?
and how can i possibly console her when i can't even console myself most of the time?
keeping thinking about the decision to go melbourne these few days.
maybe it's is the desperate wanting to make a fresh start.
"it's good to be able to be around you again,
though just casually,
though just as friends.
but at least it's an improvement;
from complete strangers.
you seems to have changed quite a bit,
but at the same time,
i feel the same kinda familiarity when i'm near you,
makes me want so much more,
makes me wanna be so much closer,
but i persistently shook off that greediness.
seeing you wear that watch,
and using the wallet,
you don't know how happy i was feeling deep down within.
i don't wanna be thinking too deep into it,
but just glad that they are of use to you.
you seems to be doing prettay well without me;
all happy and unaffected.
i'm really really really happy for you,
i swear.
though i can't stop that throbbing pain where it wouldn't stop beating.
though it makes me feel all pathetic about myself comparatively.
whatever it is,
i'm really really really happy to be able to see you today.
cause i miss you;
real bad,
i can't deny.
i overruled my emotions today;
instead of emotions over me.
you should be proud of me.
i wanna fall head over heels in love with you,
all over again.
and i wish you would fall head over heels in love with me,
all over again.
maybe?
i don't know.
only time will tell.
i'm leaving it to fate."
The Heart That Beats For You.
4:29 AM
she writes
Saturday, October 25, 2008
finance paper down.but...
sigh.
i was like fringgin nervous,
even before the paper started.
everyone seems to know so much more than i do,
i'm like totally clueless about everything;
i kept asking them questions,
yet i just can't seems to get whatever they say into my brains.
it was so much worse when the paper started;
i totally freaked out.
blanked-out so many times;
unable to figure the answers to so many of the questions,
even when i've practiced the same kinda questions so many times.
i almost didn't have enough time to complete the paper.
to make things worse,
i hafta drop my formula sheet,
which flew a distance away;
i had to get the invigilator to get it.
then just when she turned and walked away,
i dropped my ic,
which also landed beyond my reach,
and i had to get another invigilator to get it.
to think that i'm majoring in finance.
to think that i was pending on getting high distinction for finance.
:[
"the moment i sat at my designated seat for the paper,
this question started repeatedly flooding my mind -
'can i really do it,
now that you're no longer here with me?'
and i immediately knew the answer,
when i ran back to my bag,
and looked at your good luck message stored on my phone.
i still need you here with me.
i still want you here with me.
you said -
'control your emotions instead of your emotions over you.'
i tried.
and am still trying.
really.
but i'm sorry i'm such a letdown
to you,
and to myself."
should i go melbourne?
Tired Of People Asking.
2:30 AM
she writes
Thursday, October 23, 2008
15 hours more,and i'll be meeting my doom.
wish me good luck.
pray for me.
i'll be needing those;
real bad.
Fall Back In Love With You.
10:17 PM
she writes
totally broke down
i cried uncontrollably;
wetting my entire pillow.
i screamed and brawled into my pillow;
as if it had done me wrong.
only managed to really settle myself down,
and slowly fell asleep at 4 plus am.
then there i was at 7 plus,
wide awake.
then at 8 plus,
and 9 plus too.
so i gave up trying to fall asleep,
dragging myself outta bed at 10 plus.
looking into the mirror,
i realised i was rewarded with the classic goldfish eyes;
yet again.
but it's a sight that i've more or less got used to.
it's been some time since i behaved this way;
emotions totally beyond control,
tears totally unstoppable,
and totally unable to sleep or eat well.
i don't know what have gotten into me,
just really depressed i guess.
first paper's tomorrow.
i seriously don't know how i'm gonna handle it;
with absolutely no mood,
with absolutely no concentration,
and absolutely no energy.
i don't wanna flop my paper,
yet i just can't seems to pull myself up.
"you don't know how much i'm dying to tell you -
baby.
i love you;
so much.
baby.
i miss you;
so bad."
i'm sorry;
i'm just not the comfortable with sharing kind.
so please don't ask me to talk to you.
Forever Was In Your Eyes.
1:23 PM
she writes
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
when stress gets the better of me;the tears just wouldn't stop flowing,
the memories just wouldn't stop flooding.
on the outside,
i'm looking as though i have everything.
but on the inside,
i'm completely empty.
i wanna just cry out loud.
i wanna just ask for a really big hug.
but then the questions start coming;
to who?
from who?
MLBF?
the M from the term disappeared,
and we're like complete strangers now.
so i can't.
family?
i don't wanna be getting mum worried.
so i can't.
dad's totally outta question,
he's not the i-will-listen-to-your-problems-and-advise-you-what-to-do type.
so i can't.
things between me and sis never patch up since the last time;
though we're no longer quarelling,
but there just seems to be this gap that can't seems to be bridged.
i miss her,
i can't deny.
i wish she could be here with me,
i can't deny.
i wish we could go back to the way we used to be,
i can't deny.
but neither of us is willing to take the first step;
cause i'm stubborn,
and she's even worse.
so i can't.
friends?
i don't like to be bothering them;
when they have their own things to worry about as well.
plus who would like to listen to the same shyt all the time?
so i can't.
even my dogs run away from me when they see me cry.
how more pathetic can i be?
i'm just nobody in everybody's eyes.
all alone.
and it gets me wondering;
why the hell am i still living?
i'm really depressed.
don't talk to me.
Screwed.
5:18 PM
she writes
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
mandy refuse to get diet pills for me.:[
nevermind,
i'll find other means to get hold of it.
first paper on friday;
yet i still can't totally concentrate on my revision.
loads of other stuff in mind,
loads of other stuff to be done.
i feel tons and tons and tons of stress building up.
"i wish you were here with me.
i need you here with me.
baby,
can i dream of you tonight?"
i feel like going plane-watching.
Don't Walk Out On Me.
11:32 PM
she writes
Monday, October 20, 2008
you fucking dumb girl!he has already moved so far ahead.
he is really really really happy now.
so why are you stil standing at the same bloody spot?!
turning and turning and turning around.
move will you?!
even just a tinny winny little step!
move will you?!
move!
i hate myself.
4:19 PM
she writes
"i dreamt of you last
again.
that familiar gentleness in your eyes,
that familiar warmth in your hug;
do you know how badly i was wishing,
i could fall asleep with that dream forever?
it felt so real;
really really really real.
cause in the dream,
i actually remembered that i had to work later on that day.
and i kept telling myself that if that hug was gonna last,
i really didn't mind not going to work,
even if i had to risk losing my job.
i don't know if i should be glad to be dreaming about you;
so often.
cause the extent that i'm affected,
can only be described with two words -
very badly.
but on the other hand,
it might be a good thing;
cause you seems to be unknowingly encouraging me through these dreams;
constantly reminding me to be strong.
and through these encouragements;
i find my only source of strength to go on.
i know how pathetic and desperate these all sounds like a self-consolation.
but i just wanna make myself feel better;
i just wanna be better.
baby,
i miss you;
so so so bad.
so much more than you know,
so much more than i know.
this i can't deny;
no matter how hard i try to hide and wipe it all off my face.
i miss you."
i'll keep trying,
i'll keep trying,
i'll keep trying,
to be better.
don't cry,
don't cry,
don't cry.
I Walk A Thousand Miles.
4:07 AM
she writes
Saturday, October 18, 2008
she's my single khaki!
to think about it,
i've been meeting her for 11 consecutive days already!
since last wednesday!
gosh!
so to my single khaki -
"shawn is gay! gay is shawn! LOL!
anyway, just wanna say, thanks for hanging out with me so often recently; being crazy with me and all! you really added a lotta fun into my life. thanks a million! loves!
i'm not les! so don't worry. haha! even if i am, i wouldn't fall for you! cause you're taken by braces already! you're so so so gonna kill me! hahahaha!"
the best pick-up line that i got today -
'can i drop an application to be your fling?'
wtf?!
i really should have replied him the way nana suggested;
'sorry, but the application is closed. and it'll never be open for you.'
haha!
i wanna take diet pills!
i wanna go drinking!
i wanna club!
i wanna get my scuba diving license!
i wanna get a car!
i wanna sleep for an entire day!
i wanna have a lotta money without having to work!
i wanna go for a shopping spree!
i wanna pass my exams with flying colours without studying!
i'm crazy!
i'm depressed.
"if only i can hate you;
it'll be easier to forget,
it'll be easier to get over,
it'll be easier to move on.
but i just can't.
so i can only hate myself."
Nothing More To Say.
2:35 AM
she writes
Friday, October 17, 2008
sometimes you think you're over a guy.but when you see him just smile at you,
you suddenly realise,
you're just pretending to be over him.
just to ease the pain,
of knowing that he'll never be yours,
again.
"baby,
is this what you're trying to tell me?"
I Wanted You.
1:23 AM
she writes
Thursday, October 16, 2008
i dreamt of him for two consecutive nights.the night before -
i dreamt that i saw him draw a lotta pictures of me,
and he said he miss me.
but people say dreams are always the opposite of reality.
last night -
i dreamt that he smsed to ask me to go over to have dinner with his parents,
because they miss me.
then i happen to bump into him.
he was all drank,
but i managed to stay by his side to keep him company and take care of him.
but people say dreams are always the opposite of reality.
"i love to have dreams of you;
cause those are the only times i get to see you.
but i hate dreaming of you just as much;
cause not only do i hafta wake up;
reliving the pain that you're no longer here with me.
i also hafta spend a huge amount of effort to convince myself;
that they are only dreams.
just like this morning,
when i woke up umpteen times;
just to flip open my phone and check if you really did sms me.
and when i couldn't find any of your messages in my inbox,
i even search through the folder where i store your messages;
thinking that i must have moved your message into the folder already.
wenli said dreams are reflections of things which have been going through your mind.
i must have been missing you;
so much so much so much more than i dare to admit.
baby,
i miss you."
Turn Around.
1:59 PM
she writes
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i'm really really really tired;physically,
mentally,
and emotionally.
exams are just round the corner,
and i haven't started my revision at all!
it's definitely not helping when;
i've so much on my mind,
too many other stuffs to do and settle,
and i'm scheduled for work almost every other day.
i just wish i could be a little more selfish sometimes;
to think about myself more,
and stop worrying about others so much.
but i just can't;
i guess i'm naturally borned as a worryhead.
i need more energy.
i need more concentration.
i need more discipline.
i need to be strong!
"it's exactly 3 months;
since you left.
but i'm still desperately wishing;
i could be running to you for some form of comfort,
during times like these.
and you're still the only reason;
i keep myself going."
i needa stop.
Only You.
2:48 AM
she writes
Monday, October 13, 2008
there are those days;that i just can't seems to find any reasons to be strong.
and today;
is one of those days.
it's so simple;
wanting to love just that one guy your entire life.
yet so difficult;
to fulfill this simplicity.
"i really really really wanted to only love you;
for the rest of my life."
i should stop thinking.
i really really really needa study!
Will Never Be Understood.
11:41 PM
she writes
Sunday, October 12, 2008
clubbing at dbl o last night spells only one word -F U N!
minus the drank part;
cause i wasn't even i tinny winny bit high no matter how many drinks i tried to down.
i really went like wild and crazy!
it was the dancing that got me really high instead of the drinks.
haha!
gotta know a couple of guys.
haha!
but i only want my strips polo tee desmond!
damn sad!
but at least i gotta chance to dance with him.
so self consolation can?!
haha!
it kinda help to go out and have fun like that.
i should really go out more often.
SHAWN IS GAY!
GAY IS SHAWN!
hahahahahaha!
"there was only this one ocassion last night,
that got me so close to breaking down;
because of you.
with tears already welled up in my eyes,
i took so much effort to shake them off.
but at least it only occurred once,
which i thought is an improvment already.
i will try harder;
to be better.
to be stronger.
you'll see a different me;
real soon.
i promise.
i don't know if your new semester starts tomorrow as well.
but if it does,
i hope you'll have a good semester ahead of you;
with everything going well and smooth.
jia you for all your projects, assignments, tests and exams kay?
you can do it!
i'll be praying for you.
loves."
Only On The Outside.
11:59 PM
she writes
Saturday, October 11, 2008
to slowly let go;is the only way that i can release myself.
that's what wenli told me;
and i guess i should start doing that.
i wanna believe that one day i'll be truly happy again,
though it will prolly take some time;
how long i'm not sure.
but ultimately,
i'm sure it will happen.
maybe he'll be the source of my happiness again,
or maybe it'll be someone else.
i don't know.
i don't wanna think about it either.
for now,
i shall start learning to enjoy my singlehood;
with the same kinda attitude i possess at work -
i don't need the men!
i'm sure i'll do just fine;
strong and independent.
well.
for a start,
my definition of enjoying singlehood will be -
have loads and loads of fun!
go really really wild and crazy!
and have many many guys!
opps!
haha!
but nothing serious for me at the moment of course;
i'm kinda suffering from guy plus relationship phobia.
so i'll guess i'll just remain single;
but not available.
clubbing at dbl o tomorrow!
super looking forward!
long time since i really clubbed.
cheers to being drunk, crazy and wild!
whoo!
it was d&d at island ballroom
and they got kumar for their entertainment show.
he said something which goes like this -
"most of the people working in shangri-la are from china.
so you better don't make them angry.
especially the girls.
if not they'll squeeze their milk (with the squeezing of the breast action) and poison you."
seriously ROFL!
but putting myself in the china staffs' shoes,
i'll prolly be f-ing angry.
but too bad i'm not from china!
so LMAO!
:X
is there a way to slim down without your boobs getting smaller?!
cause mine seems to be deflating!
i'm sorry i hafta be saying this on world wide web.
but it's seriously happening to me!
"baby,
i really really really hope everything in your life will go smoothly for you.
and like i've been saying;
be safe, be happy, be healthy.
find someone who'll love you the way you want her to;
i'll be really happy for you,
i promise.
you'll always have a very special place in my heart.
and i'll always miss you.
remember that.
bye bye."
why am i crying?
i shouldn't be.
if you know me well enough,
you'll know that i'm actually feeling the worst,
when i'm being and acting all crazy;
just to shake off the tears,
just to suppress the sorrows.
so can i cry now?
It's Always Difficult; Saying Goodbye.
4:35 AM
she writes
Friday, October 10, 2008
i seriously feel like an idiot;a very big one in fact.
"i just wanted a chance to start it all over;
even just as friends.
at least it's better than strangers,
at least it's better than now.
but you just wouldn't let me.
why be so unfair to me?!
baby,
it's time to give up isn't it?"
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
can i really do it?
i can't.
You Make It So Hard To Breathe.
1:38 AM
she writes
Thursday, October 09, 2008
feeling super duper unwell these few days.the constant throwing up after food;
makes me really really really afraid to eat.
i'm not anorexic!
so many nights like tonight;
where i feel damn sick,
but there's no one here with me.
can't tell mum;
cause i had her worrying enough.
but i really wish there was somebody who would tuck me into bed,
and stay right beside me to take care of me and make sure i'm alright.
no one.
no longer.
"you don't care at all;
don't you?"
i wish i could just disappear;
vanish from the surface of this earth.
No One; But You.
3:06 AM
she writes
Monday, October 06, 2008
bestie dropped by to accompany me for my lunch break today,and brought along a milk chocolate mini fingers from marks & spencers.
:]
"thanks a million bestie. for taking time just to give me a hug. i'll be fine. so don't hafta worry about me alright? loves."
have been constantly throwing up after eating or drinking;
again.
and i'm finding blood in my spits;
again.
plus the frequent black-outs that i've been experiencing.
i don't wanna see a doctor.
:[
exams are just around the corner.
yet i haven't even started preparing;
not even a bit.
i don't have the mood and concentration to start either.
:[
"gotta go through this entire exam preparation and period without you here with me;
your encouraging words, hugs and kisses when i'm super stressed up,
and your good luck wishes and kisses right before my papers.
i really don't know if i can do it.
my heart just can't rest;
cause i miss you,
so so so damn bad."
At The Edge.
11:58 PM
she writes
Sunday, October 05, 2008
only managed to reach home at 4 plus am this morning.immediately climbed into bed after a shower knowing that i'll hafta drag myself up at 1030am to head to work.
but i just simply couldn't fall asleep at all.
tossed around till almost 6am before i managed to really fall asleep,
but the less than 5 hours of sleep which i was left with wasn't a really rewarding one either.
i practically woke up for at least 10 times throughout the less than 5 hours duration.
too much flashblacks occupied my mind.
from the moment i broke down at loading bay all of a sudden,
to the things ah chua said to me,
to the moment when i saw him dead drunk,
to the time when i was sobbing furiously on joanne's legs in tingsin's van,
all the way to the stuff rachel, joanne and joanna were trying to put across my mind.
rachel said something last night which was really true;
my heart is dead,
it died the very day he left,
causing me to feel nothing else now,
other than all the emotions concerning him.
thus,
i simply refuse to allow any other guys to come near me;
returning them with cold replies once i know they're toeing the line.
for someone who's easily swayed by guys being nice to me,
for someone who has always been so dependent on other people,
for someone who requires so much companionship,
i shock myself with this way that i'm behaving.
i guess this 2 years plus relationship together with this breakup have made me grown so much -
through this relationship,
i've learnt to love someone so wholeheartedly;
till the point that i'm not at all willing to sacrifice even a tinny winny place in my heart to fill someone else in.
since this breakup,
i've learnt to slowly become independent;
keeping the weaknesses only to myself,
and roaming around outside alone more often than not.
i feel myself falling back into depression mode;
not because of the things that happened this morning.
it's been this way for a few days.
not eating,
not sleeping well,
tears welling up in my eyes because of the slightest thing,
and survivng only on my c diet.
so unknowingly,
i lost weight again;
1 kg which i gained back recently,
plus another 1 kg on top of that.
so i'm currently 54kg,
which makes me fall 1 kg below my ideal.
it kinda scares me.
"seeing you in that dead drunk state last night really made my heart ache.
wish i could be there by your side to accompany you and take care of you;
but am no longer in the position.
i know you go all out to avoid me as much as possible.
but i really don't want you to be torturing and hurting yourself in the process of that.
just let me know;
i'll disappear and avoid you instead.
i rather it be this way than seeing you in such pain the way you were this morning again.
pathetic;
i know.
at how well you're leading your life now;
you can laugh at me for all you want.
but i just can't help being so silly;
when it comes to you.
i'm sorry."
i know i gotta get outta this hole.
but am i willing to get outta this hole?
am i ever able to get outta this hole?
I'm Yours.
11:59 PM
she writes
Saturday, October 04, 2008
"seeing you getting on so well with life,i really am happy;
happy for you at least.
for the very very very last time -
i love you."
i really should start setting myself free;
shouldn't i?
Nothing Left.
3:28 AM
she writes
Friday, October 03, 2008
WAKE UP WILL YOU?!THE MIRACLE THAT YOU'RE WAITING FOR WILL NEVER HAPPEN!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DUMB!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING USELESS!
SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING WEAK!
ALL YOU'RE DOING IS ONLY MAKING YOURSELF SO DAMN MISERABLE!
CAUSE YOU'RE NOTHING TO HIM!
NOTHING AT ALL!
SO WAKE UP WILL YOU?!
12:49 AM
she writes
Thursday, October 02, 2008
for the past 2 months plus,i've always been afraid when the 1st and 15th of the month approaches.
hafta be sure that i make plans beforehand to keep myself occupied for these two days;
cause i'm sure that i'll prolly cry till my eyes pop out if i were to stay home.
so,
a really really big thank you to the shang gang for spending
though it was just a casual outing and not me being the reason that this was planned,
but still,
i hafta thank them for keeping me occupied.
:]
got a new repeated piercing but just on a different ear with michelle, joanne and joanna today.
it's funny how we decide one after another to do it.
haha.
will prolly pierce my tongue next.
mum said better not,
but she didn't say no.
so i guess that means she's agreeable?
haha.
"because i love you;
i let you go.
but i just can't seems to set myself free;
knowing how badly i still miss you, love you, and want you back deep within.
i pushed myself to the limit;
to be strong and independent.
starting all over again from scratch;
learning how to lead my life,
without you.
i drain every single bit of energy that's in me,
try really hard to shake off the tears with a smile,
and constantly remind myself that you would want me to be strong.
yet,
i can barely make it through each day.
it's gonna be such a long journey ahead.
i really don't know how much further beyond limit i can continue to push myself.
i'm tired.
i'm scared.
i don't wanna go on anymore.
can i?"
i really wish;
i would be better in time.
Can't Take Away.
1:55 AM
she writes
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
"希望心跳能够停止;这样才能够不再想起你,
这样才能够不再感觉到痛.
你到底是带着什么心情离开?
为什么能够头也不回;
多看我一眼?
好累.
happy 33 months anniversary my love!
i love you;
truckloads!
muacks!
i really really really wish i could still say that to you;
really."
Denial.
2:08 AM
she writes
